A sphincter says what?
Quote just overheard from the husband to the dog: "Oh no! You just got smacked around by the penis glove!"

Some things...you just don't want to know...
posted at 04:30 PM | link-

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If we met tomorrow for the very first time

It's getting so lonely inside this bed
Don't know if I should lick my wounds
Or say woe is me instead

And there's an aching inside my head
It's telling me I'm better off alone

But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you will get some

They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Well it's 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it's 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light

And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

I looked above the other day
'Cuz I think I'm good and ready for a change

I live my life by the moon
If it's high play it low
If it's harvest go slow
And if it's full, then go

But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you're gonna get some

I'm searching for things that I just cannot see
Why don't you don't you don't you come and be with me
I pretend to be cool with me, want to believe
That I can do it on my own without my heart on my sleeve

I'm running, I'm running, catch up with me life
Where is the love that I'm looking to find

It's all in me, can't you see
I can see, why can't you see it's all in me.....

I guess there's a lot of talk going on out there about so-called A-Lists and inner-circles in the blog world. Reading things like that always makes me sad. Even more so when I see my name in the mix. I'm not naive. I've seen my site stats. But you know what? I still see myself as the same person / blogger as I was the day I started with 10 readers. If I ever feel any differently, that's the day I turn in my mouse and keyboard and walk off stage with my lovely parting gifts and year's supply of Turtle Wax.

I think Melly addressed this topic best back in November. She said, and I quote: "It is not necessary to consider yourself a blog deity. If you quit, in time, people will forget. It's just the way it goes."

And that's true. To quote Dr. Evil: "If anything should happen to you I don't know what I would do. I'd probably move on and get another [blog] replica but there would be a ten minute period where I would just be inconsolable." If any single blogger out there -- myself included -- up and quit tomorrow, sure there would be the obligatory "please don't go" comments and well-wishes. But the whole world would keep on turning. People would still have things to say. And they'd still have stuff to read. Blogging continually evolves. The way it's written. The way it's read. No one has a corner on the market.

If anyone out there truly thinks that I take myself -- or my blog -- seriously, you really don't know me very well. Stop and think a second about my life. I get fully dressed at most twice a week -- that includes doing my hair and makeup. I can't drive a car. I don't have a real income. I don't have "power lunches". I pop open a box of Lunchables and drop the cracker bits down the front of my shirt as I munch away. If that ain't a big ol' put yourself right in your place slap o' reality, I don't know what is. I started out with 10 readers a day just like everyone else. Maybe I got more exposure -- not because I'm "good" or even "deserve" it -- but because in the beginning I had more time to read and get to know other bloggers than someone who was juggling a career, kids, and a husband. I've got one of the three. Granted, my free time has been severely lacking lately (which sadly includes e-mail and being in touch with people as often as I'd like) -- but it was certainly there in abundance when I started out.

I think one of the saddest things I've ever had to digest when it comes to blogging is people being afraid to comment. Unless you go anonymous and/or come here with the sole-purpose of trashing my friends, my Sooners, and sometimes Y (my Bucs) -- I want to hear what you have to say. I don't purposely have a lynch mob ready to rip you apart with a wave of my hand (unless you steal my work). And I had to give up holding virginal sacrifices by blogging decree in early 2002, so you're safe there as well. Hell, someone I consider to be one of my closest blogging friends wouldn't even read me in the beginning because he thought I was in too many Blogrolls. But he did visit, we did get to know each other, and somehow someway we're going to figure out how to meet in person dammit.

If there's an A-List, I never received my formal invite in the mail. I didn't get the t-shirt. Hell, I didn't even get a complimentary 6-month subscription to Yahoo! magazine. And I certainly don't want people to feel like they can't read me or approach me because they happened to glance at my Nedstats tracker this week. I'll confess I've had a bit of an attitude lately. I took it from all sides for weeks on end, and I have just enough of a cat in me to make my back arch, my claws extend and my hair stand up on end. If you got in the crosshairs, I do apologize. But admit it. Isn't that why you love me and tease me that I'm a Princess™?

Just because I disagree with someone -- privately or publicly -- doesn't mean that I don't love or adore them. Hell, it makes me respect them more. Nothing garners more admiration from me than a strong will and the courage and self-respect to tackle the things placed in front of you. If we were all alike, what a truly boring world this would be. Just imagine the same 50,000 monkey clones at 50,000 typewriters. That can -- and would -- be wrong.
posted at 03:52 AM | link-

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Should auld acquaintance blah blah blah
Check out the "key and stupid web moments of 2002" (page 1, page 2) courtesy of FARK.
posted at 12:43 AM | link-

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If this Jetta's a rockin', don't bother kn-kn-knockin'!
Double-post! From my guest-blogging duties over at Blog Anon ... the "best & worst make-out cars" for steaming up windshields.
posted at 05:41 PM | link-

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Slim pickin's
Tell me why I don't like Mondays...

I guess I could understand if she was PMSing, but day-um.
Don't worry. You might still be able to play a dwarf in LoTR 3.
What is it with men and photos like this anyway?
This FARK Photoshop contest is for Ashley.
The strangest things lost at Disney World and Universal -- glass eyes, limbs and dentures -- oh my. I want in on those yard sales though!

And now, your moment of zen...
posted at 04:12 PM | link-

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Here we are now - entertain us
Now here's a little story I've got to tell
About three bad brothers you know so well
It started way back in history
With Adrock, M.C.A., and me - Mike D.

Had a little horsey named Paul Revere
Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer
Riding across the land - kicking up sand
Sheriff's posse on my tail cause I'm in demand

One lonely Beastie I be
All by myself without nobody
The sun is beating down on my baseball hat
The air is gettin' hot - the beer is getting flat
Lookin' for a girl - I ran into a guy
His name is M.C.A., I said, 'Howdy' - he said, 'Hi'

He told a little story that sounded well rehearsed
Four days on the run and that he's dying of thirst
The brew was in my hand and he was on my tip
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry
He asked me for a sip

He said, 'Can I get some?'
I said, 'You can't get none!'
Had a chance to run
He pulled out his shotgun
He was quick on the draw - I thought I'd be dead
He put the gun to my head and this is what he said

'Now my name is M.C.A. - I've got a license to kill
I think you know what time it is - it's time to get ill
Now what do we have here - an outlaw and his beer
I run this land, you understand - I make myself clear?'

We stepped into the wind - he had a gun, I had a grin
You think this story's over but it's ready to begin

'Now I got the gun - you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me...'

I said, I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border
The sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter
I did it like this - I did it like that
I did it with a whiffleball bat

So.........

I'm on the run - the cop's got my gun
And right about now - it's time to have some fun

The King Adrock, that is my name
And I know the fly spot where they got the champagne

We rode for six hours then we hit the spot
The beat was a bumping and the girlies was hot
This dude was staring like he knows who we are
We took the empty spot next to him at the bar

M.C.A. said, 'Yo, you know this kid?'
I said, 'I didn't' but I know he did
The kid said, 'Get ready cause this ain't funny
My name's Mike D. and I'm about to get money.'

Pulled out the jammy - aimed it at the sky
He yelled, 'Stick 'em up!' - and let two fly
Hands went up and people hit the floor
He wasted two kids that ran for the door

'I'm Mike D. and I get respect
Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect.'

M.C.A. was with it and he's my ace
So I grabbed the piano player and I punched him in the face
The piano player's out - the music stopped
His boy had beef - and he got dropped
Mike D. grabbed the money
M.C.A. snatched the gold
I grabbed two girlies and a beer that's cold
posted at 05:05 AM | link-

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Not. Bye, bye, bye (week).
"And TB will lose in the chilly lands of Chicago land."

"I think TB needs to be more concerned wih figuring out a way to win in cold temps then about Parcells."

15-0 score. 12-4 record. Now would you like to try again with your real name and ID? I'm sure I'll be taking my fair share of smack when/if we play the Eagles at home...
posted at 11:27 PM | link-

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Karma, she's a real bitch, ain't she?
Remember this? Well now we are seriously laughing our asses off.

Bucs say talks with Parcells amount to tampering
The Buccaneers have notified Bill Parcells' agent Jimmy Sexton that talks with the Cowboys are in violation of NFL's tampering rules, claiming Parcells signed a four-year contract with Tampa Bay last year before deciding not to take the job...

...The Bucs contend teams must first seek permission from them to talk with Parcells and would be entitled to compensation if Parcells agrees to coach elsewhere next season.

Read the full article over at ESPN.com and snicker along with us...
posted at 04:47 PM | link-

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I want my...MTV2
Not that I can remember the last time they actually played videos...but...

"You thought you were sick of J. Lo now? MTV has released plans to tighten its already limited video playlist and concentrate on 10 videos that will receive substantial airplay -- 30-plus spins per week. The initiative, which is being referred to as “The Big Ten,” was the brainchild of MTV/MTV2 Executive VP of Music and Talent Programming Tom Calderone, and saw videos from Justin Timberlake, Jay-Z, Eminem, Jennifer Lopez and Snoop Dogg receiving between 48 and 52 spins during its first week in effect. While one might think that expanding playlists would be the logical step to increase total music sales, Calderone apparently has different ideas: “We are serious about selling music and breaking bands,” he tells HITS magazine. “The more impressions, the more penetration, the better the sales.” Fortunately, there are no plans at this time to apply this policy to MTV2."

Lovely. Timberlake killed the video star. (Story from FARK.com and CMJ.com.)
posted at 03:17 PM | link-

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Apron strings
Since it was brought up in my comments, I thought maybe this should be addressed on the main page instead... Adoption for us isn't as easy as just saying we want to / we're going to do it. In fact, adoption will most likely be in our plans one day. But. And here's the big but. (And not the one on my backside.) I am disabled. Public adoption is pretty much ruled out for us. Which completely invalidates your theory. There is no way I could pass the screening process, even though we are perfectly capable of raising a child together. (Key word: together) We've been told we have little to no chance of adopting a child through state-funded means. And even if we did...you don't just apply and get a baby. You wait. And wait. And wait some more. Just like we've been doing since we originally started trying to have a baby in 1998, and then I learned I couldn't have one in the spring of 2000.

Which leads us to private adoption. Yep, we've done our research here, too. We've been told to have a minimum of $10,000 on hand for this. Shaw...right. We're lucky to have $1000 in savings in a given year. We live on one income. Although if we had a child tomorrow we'd be perfectly capable of raising it on what we make now -- starting out with -$10,000 from day one would cripple us in any given scenario.

Then there's private foreign adoption. We watch this very closely each time we learn of someone pursuing it. In the examples of family friends that have done so, we've been told to have a minimum of $20K on hand -- and up to $50K saved depending on the country. Besides the legal expenses involved, some countries have a knack for upping the ante at the very end -- and if you can't pay, you can't play. Since I don't have a rich aunt Edna somewhere waiting in the wings to buy us a child, again, we wait.

Adoption is tailored to a two-income family -- or at least a one-income famlily with two healthy individuals. We are neither. I'm not exactly sure where you're getting the figure that it's cheaper than having a kid in the hospital, but that's certainly not our case. We have excellent insurance and each prenatal visit's co-pay would be $10 each. The actual birth and hospitalization would cost us a maxium of $150. Versus a $10K pricetag...well, no... I've had several thousands of dollars worth of surgeries, drugs, and treatments to date -- and we've been out no more than several hundred in co-pays. Of course, our arms are still empty. But no matter what path God ultimately leads us down, it will never be as easy as just wishing it done. Ever. We have finally accepted that.

And even though I was open to the idea of adoption from day one, Todd was not. That's a very big, and private, decision in a marriage. You just can't go along telling someone they "should do it". We reached the decision together after travelling a path together that was filled with an enormous amount of pain, physically and emotionally. I cannot fault my husband for wanting his own flesh and blood. That's a part of human nature. And he certainly can't fault me for exhausting every bit of modern technology possible when trying to give that to him. But again, these are very private decisions we have to reach together for private reasons -- emotionally and financially.

If anyone out there has $10K lying around, well then I'd love to consider starting my family tomorrow. Otherwise, I just have to continue to believe there are reasons God has said "not right now", and that someday I will understand them.
posted at 02:45 PM | link-

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I gotta go Saturday night, Saturday night
This was the first evening of the whole Christmas break that we've both felt decent at the same time, so we went to the International Plaza briefly tonight to check out the sales...which were severely lacking. This year Body Shop only had $1 off their Christmas line products, three days after Christmas. What the hell is up with that? This time last year everything was 75% off. No wonder it's the worst retail take in 30 years. Even with a bit of Christmas cash from Santa, about the only place we scored, and bothered spending our money, was at Crane's. (I'm a not-so-secret stationery addict.)

I did get a chuckle at the woman ahead of me in line at the Clinique counter though. She would be me...if I could have children. She had two little white-blonde angels that both reminded me of my own head of hair when I was little. One was just barely walking and the other couldn't have been more than three. They were already getting tutored in cosmetics by mom. Then as she walked off with them, dad, and her purchases in tow she squealed, "Look girls! Shoooooooooes. We must respect the shoes." Todd and I shared an all-knowing smile. And then as we exited the store, we saw the girls were getting their next life-lesson at the Origins shop. Yeah, times like that really remind me how much it sucks that I can't complete the purchase, but still have to pay the monthly bill...

We stopped for BBQ and at Barnes & Noble on the way home, and I picked up the new second edition of this book. (Amazon only lists the first edition at their site.) I'll give a review after I've actually had a chance to read it -- which won't be this weekend -- but the f/stop, shutter speed, ISO, light meter and white balance sections looked very helpful. I'm a complete novice when it comes to that stuff -- and so far I've yet to find the perfect newbie tutorial. Hopefully this will come close.

Now it's back to work for me. Yeah, we're two wild 'n' crazy guys...
posted at 11:13 PM | link-

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For all you Eagles fans talking smack after MNF

Yeah, we watched. And we liked it. We liked it ah-loht.
posted at 04:41 PM | link-

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But I look at your pants and I...need a kiss
Ahhhhhh...the joys of being a natural blonde and guest blogging. I opened up a new blog comment e-mail and started reading without glancing at the subject first:

"I'm a little out of sequence here, but you once mentioned the thought of either finding someone for a threesome or using a prostitute. Have you though about going with your boyfriend to a strip-club? My husband and I like to go sometimes. We both get an eyefull of lovely ladies. I get a few lap-dances and feel soft boobies and girl breath on my skin. Then we go home and put on porn and fuck til dawn."

For a split-second there I was like, "Uhhhhhhhh.....oh yeah."

posted at 04:01 PM | link-

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Takin' what they're givin' 'cuz I'm workin' for a livin'
I finally got my portfolio page cleaned up and updated tonight (with many more to be added as sites wrap in the next week or two). It's nothing fancy, but the purpose is served. Now hire me. Just give me two weeks to breathe first, ok?
posted at 05:31 AM | link-

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And just when I thought it would be a boring nite
Sometimes stupid people just aren't even worth the keystrokes...
posted at 03:36 AM | link-

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Red-tag sale
Here are two designs a client hated, so they're up for grabs. I removed their personal pics and put in complimenting photos of Shirley and Marilyn instead. If anyone wants them, they're yours for the taking. Feel free to keep, or swap out, the images there now. The horizonatal, empty box is where the site name and logo would have been -- and the site links would have went with each corresponding color/coded box. If anyone needs the .psd files, I have those as well.

http://www.connect-dots.com/shirley_giveaway.jpg (dark colors)
http://www.connect-dots.com/marilyn_giveaway.jpg (pastels)

I really liked these and hated to see them go to waste. If anyone wants to use them, please drop me a line when you're done so I can see how they turned out!
posted at 01:00 AM | link-

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Here comes the bride
Another new advertiser over at WM! -- e-WeddingSite.com. "Getting married? Looking for a great way to tell everyone, and an innovative way to keep family and friends updated on your upcoming wedding? Get a Personalized Wedding Website!"
posted at 12:03 AM | link-

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This space for rent
It's really hard to find amusing headlines during the holidays, but I did my best...

Please for the love of all that is holy, someone please tell me she's not cloning herself. I think this group watched "Superman 2" just a few times too many!
You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. Companies are drawing up policies about what you can talk about in your blog. Dick surrenders.
Yeah that was an "accident". Mmmm...hmmm... Sure.
Do you have to buy the Cheesy Bread to get to heaven, because I really prefer the Cinna Stix.
"...No arrest was made because there's nothing illegal about tackling a deer." Ok, I need a moment for that one.

And for those of you with too much time on your hands -- Toilegami (origami using toilet paper). Only from FARK.com.
posted at 11:18 PM | link-

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The stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine
Don't you love it how if you're sick, they get sick right along with you for comfort?
posted at 05:21 PM | link-

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I like Chinese
Leave it to China -- a zoo where you can walk like the animals, talk like animals...eat ~~like~~ the animals? I don't expect Disney's Animal Kingdom to follow suit any time soon.
posted at 02:50 PM | link-

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And that's the way it was
Last year I ripped off Mena's idea for a yearly "top 10 - best of". But last year I had 745 entries to choose from. This year, I had 1855. So the "top 10" is actually being bumped up to a "top 25" for 2002 instead. One to grow on...plus fourteen...

25. Getting to see Weezer in concert. Because it wouldn't really be my blog if I didn't plug Rivers Cuomo, now would it?

24. Becoming the #1 Robyn in Google. I finally dethroned Robyn Hitchcock, a musician I love. And there was much rejoicing.

23. I rarely discuss politics here. This time, I did.

22. I caused way too many people to quote this episode that week.

21. Hard to believe the Olympics were less than a year ago, huh?

20. Accepting the inevitable -- I can't be a mother. Not right now anyway.

19. A quick breakdown of the differences between The Queen™ and The Princess™.

18. The man I love turned 30 this year.

17. Yes, I love Grease 2 -- and I'm not ashamed to admit it! So there.

16. The Crimson Pride. What "Sooner Magic" means to me.

15. I's had all's I can stands, and I's can't stands no more.

14. And you just thought I was strange before now...a list of my food neuroses.

13. When people I love are under attack, I go out on the attack.

12. A recent entry about the so-called glamorous life of a disabled person.

11. They're not fat. They're festively plump.

10. Cat got your tongue? Don't be shy! Speak up and say "hi"...

9. Watch out! Hell yeaaaaaaahhhh.

8. Dear daddy, I write you in spite of years of silence.

7. Feed my wife, please!

6. The annual texass bitchslap. Why? Because we're better than you.

5. I'm not handicapped. I'm handi-capable!

4. And we laughed at the world... They can have their diamonds -- and we'll have our pearls. I kissed a girl.

3. Sometimes blogging really is the best form of therapy available.

2. My first blogiversary -- blogaritas for everyone!

And my number one blog entry for 2002*...

1. A little story about what makes my life worth living.

* Write-in votes are accepted. Thanks for another great year everyone! -Robyn
posted at 12:31 AM | link-

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And after the spankings...

Even if she is a crummy Eagles fan, god bless 'er -- we still think she's about the best thing since sliced bread! Happy birthday, Erica Lynn! (You're not old, by the way. Believe me, I can show you old...) Have a wonderful day!
posted at 12:28 AM | link-

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We must...we must...we must increase our...
Todd took a new rack shot of me wearing his Christmas present!

Ha ha! Made you look!

posted at 08:40 PM | link-

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Crimson and cream roses
Heads-up to the Sooner crowd out there. The Sooner football team should be appearing briefly on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno this evening.
posted at 07:13 PM | link-

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She's the baby - gotta love her
We had fun playing with "our child" this afternoon. I get Todd a new rubber ducky every year for Christmas now, and this year I got him a vibrating one. Heh. But as it turns out, the present wasn't for him. It was for Claire. She is obsessed with the little squeaker. Make sure to right-click, save, and open in QuickTime if Windows Media Player is your default - WMP doesn't like the files:

http://www.tobynopoly.com/movies/claireduck.AVI

And just because it's so fun to mess with her -- we brought out Tigger, too! (Again right-click to save and open in QuickTime if you're using Windows Media Player with your browser):

http://www.tobynopoly.com/movies/clairetigger.AVI

Parents of the year, we're not. But we do know how to have fun!
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Hell-a-thon
If you're sitting around bored out of your skull, flip over to Tech TV. Chris is smack-dab in the middle of an 18-hour Call-For-Help-a-Thon that's running 'til 4 a.m. EST tonight (1 a.m. Pacific). They even have a live, streaming audiocast. So far we've caught one "Oh shit!" blooper by a guest and lots of random silliness. Hey, it beats "I Dream of Jeanie" reruns...
posted at 05:05 PM | link-

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Fear of commitment?
While working on another project last night, I realized just how many hair styles and colors I've had in the last year. Even for me, it seems like a lot. Keep in mind, these photos are only from 2002. Issues, anyone? Always keep 'em guessin'...
posted at 03:20 PM | link-

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I do believe this means war

It's a good thing I wasn't wearing any makeup today, because I just got pelted in the face with a big ol' snowball! How did that happen when I live in Florida, you might ask? Watch your backs, because you could be next! I'll get you my pretties.
posted at 02:30 AM | link-

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Too much of a good thing is wonderful
"Women with 'pasts' interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself."
- Mae West

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! As much as I hate to say goodbye to Santa Mikey, he's back at the north pole resting up for next year. So enter...Mae West! Thus far I've only noticed the skin acting funky in Netscape 4.7, so if you're on that browser still, well you pretty much deserve what you get. If anyone else has any issues with it please let me know (as it's now also the default skin, replacing Gwen). And 800x600 users will need to choose this slightly scaled down version to prevent scroll. As always, if you don't like the view head on over to the skins page and reset it.
posted at 02:09 AM | link-

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Greatest day of all the year!

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the love and happiness
That's snowing down
All around

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the winter friendliness
That's snowing down
All around the world...

It's nearer
Children's eyes shine clearer now
As they decorate the trees
All across the seven seas

It's nearer
Yule log fires burn clearer now
In the winter's frosty air
Sing with us and we can share our...

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the love and happiness
That's snowing down
All around

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the winter friendliness
That's snowing down
All around the world...

It's dawning
Santa's reindeer yawning now
All their festive work is done
Filling houses up with fun

It's dawning
Here is Christmas morning now
Greatest day of all the year
Listen out and you will hear our...

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the love and happiness
That's snowing down
All around

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the winter friendliness
That's snowing down
All around the world...

It's such a shame it's only one day every year
Three hundred and sixty-four days
Full of doubts and fear

You've been saving your love up
Let it out
'Cause Christmas is here!

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the love and happiness
That's snowing down
All around

Thanks for Christmas
Thank you for the winter friendliness
That's snowing down
All around the world...

Credit: -XTC (Right-click the image, or this link, to save...)
posted at 02:00 AM | link-

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Happy holidaze from our home to yours!

And more new photos can be found in our 2002 Holiday Gallery -- and also at "Through the Years" (a collection of holiday photos from 1995-present).
posted at 11:12 PM | link-

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The reason for my Christmas season

The sleigh was was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of His bed.

"Dear Father," he prayed, "Be with me tonight.
There's much work to do and my schedule is tight.
My sack will hold toys to grant all kids' wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.
I can do all these things, Lord, only through You.
I just need your blessing, then it's easy to do."

"I do this only to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.
So to all of my friends, lest Your glory I rob,
Please, Lord, remind them who gave me this job."

We're off for our annual Christmas Eve date night. Merry Christmas everyone!
posted at 06:58 PM | link-

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'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

posted at 05:10 PM | link-

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Where in the world is...Kris Kringle?
Don't forget...you can keep track of where Santa Claus is in the world tonight by visiting the NORAD Tracks Santa 2002 site!
posted at 04:51 PM | link-

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My Christmas gift to you
I just got confirmation...my comment boxes look/work like they should in Mozilla now! It's a Christmas miracle!

Now go read "The Real Story of Santa and Those Reindeer". You'll go down in his-to-ry.
posted at 03:27 PM | link-

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Only from the mind of Solonor

The Bloggers Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my mouse;
I sat at my keyboard in the rare quiet air,
The first chance I'd gotten to sit in my chair.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Zip Zaps danced in their heads;
Mamma, exhausted, was off to her nap,
So I settled down for one more blog rap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
I sprang from the desk, knocking over my toys.
I ran to the window; I ran like a fop,
Waiting to see if I should call up a cop.

Something tripped the floodlight outside in the yard,
To see some intruder, it wouldn't be hard;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a minvan, with bloggers, and two kegs of beer!

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it just must be Dick.
More rapid than Sooners these bloggers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Statia! now, Kim! now, Scott and Jason!
On, SpaceBran! on Michele! on, Stacy and Gretchen!
To the party on the porch! See the writing on the wall!
This night is not about Peace at all!"

As drunken hoards that before the wild turkey fly,
When they trip on a sprinkler, look up at the sky,
So out to the back yard the bloggers they flew,
With the sack full of goodies, and Billegible too!

And then, like a nightmare, I heard on the roof
Three kat's--her, her, her--had climbed up for a goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Hoopty came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of skateboards he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just dealing some crack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, His nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
This dude, he was wasted; He'd been hitting the snow;

He came into my dump; he invited himself,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had mucho to dread;

But he wasn't alone, as he invade my home;
He brought friends inside with him
From that damned LockerGnome.
Cheyenne, she was there, with a laugh and a smooch;
But not Chris Pirillo (he was walking his pooch).

They spoke not a word, but went straight to the TV,
And turned on the PlayStation, in spite of my plea.
They played all my games for hours and hours;
Even Lisa joined in (after watching Two Towers).

There was Becky and Kamel and, yes, three Christines;
A bastard who's evil and a bug from RHZine.
I even saw a doctor and some guy they call wKen.
They're running for President; They're so gonna win!

Annessa, Andrea and Dragonleg, too;
Ruthie, Annette, Brian and Mark Lane--all made it a zoo.
Dave ate some nachos; PromoGuy sat in a chair;
Tim, Mordant, Yvonne and Theresa, they were so there.

Then the party was over; the booze was all drunk.
They packed up the Princess; put her back in her trunk.
But I heard them exclaim, ere they drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

Credit: -Solonor
posted at 03:12 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it

I have a gun. It's loaded. Shut up.
One of my favorite (Christmas) movies of all time is on WTBS right now -- "The Ref". It has one of the best movie lines ever:

"You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

Not that it would be based on personal experience in this household or anything...but I seriously damn near spewed Coke out my nose the first time I heard Kevin Spacey utter it years ago!
posted at 03:37 AM | link-

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Although it's been said many times, many ways...

posted at 12:11 AM | link-

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Putting the X back in Xmas
This entry reminded me...from Snopes.com (and the history major in me):

Claim: 'Xmas' is a modern, disrespectful abbreviation of the word 'Christmas.'

Status: False.

Origins: The abbreviation of 'Xmas' for 'Christmas' is neither modern nor disrespectful. The notion that it is a new and vulgar representation of the word 'Christmas' seems to stem from the erroneous belief that the letter 'X' is used to stand for the word 'Christ' because of its resemblance to a cross, or that the abbreviation was deliberately concocted "to take the 'Christ' out of Christmas." Actually, this usage is nearly as old as Christianity itself, and its origins lie in the fact that the first letter in the Greek word for 'Christ' is 'chi,' and the Greek letter 'chi' is represented by a symbol similar to the letter 'X' in the modern Roman alphabet. Hence 'Xmas' is indeed perfectly legitimate abbreviation for the word 'Christmas' (just as 'Xian' is also sometimes used as an abbreviation of the word 'Christian').

None of this means that Christians (and others) aren't justified in feeling slighted when people write 'Xmas' rather than 'Christmas,' but the point is that the abbreviation was not created specifically for the purpose of demeaning Christ, Christians, Christianity, or Christmas -- it's a very old artifact of a very different language. (Read more at Snopes.com.)
posted at 11:23 PM | link-

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'Scuse me
But where are the Bucs tonight? Just because you win the division doesn't mean you piss away homefield advantage for the playoffs, guys!
posted at 09:24 PM | link-

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And a beer...in a tree...

"It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?"

Mr. Robinson: Hello, boys and girls! You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. It's a time for giving, and look what Mr. Landlord gave me - it's an eviction notice. Well, that's why Mr. Robinson has to wear this Santa Claus suit to sneak in and out of his building. But it just isn't a disguise, boys and girls. Because, when I add this little pail here, and when I have this little bell, it becomes a small business. Yes, Christmas is a season for giving, and for taking! And with this little operation, I figure I'll be taking on about $300-400 a day! Oh, why oh why, must Christmas come but once a year?

You know, another reason why Mr. Robinson likes Christmas so much, boys and girls, is because I have so much in common with Santa Claus. We both like to sneak into your house late at night. Only Mr. Santa Claus likes to leave things. Mr. Robinson prefers to take a few things every now and then. Let's see what I have for Christmas today...

Oh, look. A little doll baby! Isn't it so cute, boys and girls? It's not worth a lot right now, but, through the miracles of modern science...Cabbage Patch doll! Now they're worth a lot of cabbage! I could sell these to little stupid kids for about $50 each! $50 each! Can you believe that! That's why I love Christmas!

And that's today's word, boys and girls...Christ-mas. You know any other words that start with "X", boys and girls? How about... [ flips card over to show word "X-CON" ] ...Ex-con?

Who could that be, boys and girls?

Voice At Door: "Robinson! Are you the guy that sold my kid a head of lettuce with a dress on it?!"

Mr. Robinson: And that reminds me of yet another word, boys and girls, that begins with "X" ... "Ex-scape"! Well, I'll see you later. And remember:

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit you tomorrow when you're sound asleep..."

Goodbye, boys and girls! (Click here for another SNL Christmas classic.)
posted at 07:51 PM | link-

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Not necessarily the news
Once again surfing the useless news so you won't have to...

Elephants give good...errrr, head? They also really like the firehose.
I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.
And I thought I was embarrassed when my dad showed up at my parent-teacher conference in his fishing flip-flops and bellbottoms.
This one has Statia written all over it...
Is it wrong that I snickered at "gay TV channel slashes staff"?

posted at 03:44 PM | link-

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Does she come complete?
I've had my eye on these all season long, and even though we're po' as dirt right now, when I saw they were half-off, that (and a small gift certificate balance) was all it took. Whoo!
posted at 02:50 PM | link-

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Gnomey goodness
In case you missed it, I made the 12.19 Lockergnome Windows Daily for my LaunchCast station. And a GnomeTome I wrote earlier in the year about destination weddings has been edited and is up on the GnomeTomes site. If that one's not up your alley, the new Photoshop one by Norm Stevens will be! Next paycheck, that baby's mine...
posted at 01:54 AM | link-

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Now taking orders...

posted at 11:06 PM | link-

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If all else fails...
Heads up if you're attempting to make the holiday roll recipe! Here's the story of my first holiday roll disaster.

Every year since then, I've bought the mini packets of Fleischmann's Active Dry Yeast (¼ oz., 7g size) to replace the Red Star Yeast that comes with the Pillsbury Hot Roll Dough Mix. Two of the ¼ oz. (½ oz. total) Fleischmann's packages equal the one Red Star package that comes with the Dough Mix.

Well last night, we forgot to buy extra yeast so I hoped that one year was a fluke and used the Red Star again. The holiday roll rose slightly last night, but nowhere near what it should have been. It was pretty much a total loss. So we bought more Fleischmann's and I'm making it again tonight. This time = perfection. So spare yourselves the time-wasted, cost lost, and cursing -- and buy different yeast than what comes in the box. You'll thank me later!
posted at 09:13 PM | link-

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When "thank you" doesn't seem to be enough
Just seen on an NFL commercial -- Operation Uplink -- "a unique program of the Veterans of Foreign Wars and its Ladies Auxiliary...keeps military personnel and hospitalized veterans in touch with their families and loved ones by providing them with free phone cards..." Click here to make a donation, or here to request a calling card for hospitalized veterans or active duty military personnel deployed away from home.
posted at 03:45 PM | link-

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The Sugar is starting to taste bitter
The late 80s OU teams took it up the ass from the NCAA and the sports writing community for "lack of institutional control" (that ultimately drove Switzer out and the dark era of the 90s in). Please, please, please tell me after all that's starting to surface, "Free Shoes University" is about to finally meet their due as well. So much has been overlooked during the years they were NCAA and media darlings. But now, it just keeps on happenin'. What kind of idiot starting defensive tackle gets caught in an apparent shoplifting incident a week before his team (already in waist-deep over gambling investigations, and missing their starting QB due to his stupidity) plays in the Sugar Bowl? Yeah, the BCS chose wisely on that one this year. Enjoy it FSU. You probably won't have a bowl like this again for years to come...
posted at 03:15 PM | link-

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Where my bitches at?
One of these goes in the oven in about 45 minutes. Who wants dessert?
posted at 11:22 PM | link-

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Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby!
We snuck off to the new Sonic down in Largo today for lunch, and Santa came to our house early... ~~Someone ('fess up!)~~ Statia sent us a Swiss Colony Beef Log! Susan and Jason sent monkeys and a year's subscription to Allure! Tam surprised me a copy of UHF on DVD (thank you so much!), and Lisa sent a big box stuffed with smell goods, a cool lip gloss, and Philosophy's Cookbook in homemade pies (coconut cream, lemon meringue, key lime, and blueberry - wow!). So a huge thanks to everyone. This year, even naughty girls scored, too!

Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't think I can get along...

posted at 07:34 PM | link-

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...and you can be my Cowgirl
Last night I was fuh-fuh-fuh-freezin' (not foolin') and put on a sweatshirt before we went to bed. The first one I grabbed was my old Dallas Cowboys NFL Pro sweatshirt -- the one I bought right after Dallas won the Super Bowl (with Switzer as head coach) in '96. As I slipped it over my head, I sighed heavily, groaning something about Jerry ruining my team and wishing him several industrial-sized "accidents" in his near-future. For those of you unaware, I was raised to be just as rabid a Cowboy fan as a Sooner fan my entire life -- even having a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader uniform by the age of two. I cut all ties and loyalties they day Jerry fired Barry.

Well apparently Jerry Jones has met with Bill Parcells to discuss a possible future with the Cowboys organization! What is the one headstrong, destructive force that could make the Jones Regime implode on itself? Why, that would be the lying, cheating, backstabbing Bill Parcells. Oh happy day! Those two deserve each other.
posted at 03:18 PM | link-

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I like it ah-loht
So we got really excited when we saw the preview for this movie tonight. Then... ...naturally I hopped on IMDB to look up the info for it. Please note the lack of original cast members in the prequel. Bleh.
posted at 03:10 AM | link-

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One bling-bling to rule them all
We had a fabulous time out in Ybor tonight with Stacy and Dan -- first the Two Towers, then burgers and chili fries, followed by hot cocoa from