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Posted: 03.17.2002
The 'baby' part of Blog Blog Baby
Reading Joy's blog this weekend kind of gave me a gentle-nudge that I'm ready to talk about something I've rarely/barely addressed here. We're not pregnant. I know certain people seem to waste a lot of time combing through every possible photo of me/us taken since last summer, and I'm finally ready to just come out and say they are not going to find what they are looking for...because there is nothing to look for...

Todd and I have been doing the infertility dance for well over 18 months. Everything is fine on his end, but well, everything not fine on my end. I've had mulitple tests, surgeries, drugs -- you name it. Nothing has worked. We were invited to participate in a drug company study last summer, but for reasons private to us, decided not to opt for that medication at the last minute. Since then we've felt extremely grateful to have made the call we did -- because studies are now finding out this medication may cause cancer. The last thing I need to deal with on top of everything else I'm facing...

At first it was painful. It was hard. I won't lie. With every baby I saw, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Everywhere I turned it seemed someone, everyone, but me was pregnant. But that was then. Since then we've had a lot of time to regroup and collect ourselves. Our marriage has never been happier or stronger. We enjoy things being just the two of us. Really. We haven't hit 30 yet, and that clock isn't screaming at us right now. We've been through so much in our almost 6 years of marriage, it's been really nice to have the pressure off and just be "us" again. We've found ourselves enjoying each other's company so much more without the constant "pressure" of peeing on a stick every 30 days -- and once again just seeing one line. And let me tell you, I really don't miss those twice-a-month invasive, internal ultrasounds!

That's not to say that if some miraculous conception happened tomorrow that we wouldn't be ready -- or overjoyed. But it is to say that we've taken the pressure off ourselves. It's not in our plans at the moment. It isn't the end-all-be-all of every waking moment's thoughts. We both really appreciate the thoughts and prayers of everyone who's known what has been going on. Words can never even begin to express just how much they've meant to us!

We're going to make wonderful parents one day. And there will be a "one day". I believe that with all my heart. That day just isn't today... And finally we can loudly say, "That's ok by us!"

Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...

Man. That was sad, yet inspiring. You guys are lucky to have each other. As long as you're together, everything else will just be like bumps in the road. Thanks for the eye opener

¤ ¤ credit: Vinny | 03.18.02 at 12:03 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I agree Robyn...M and I have been together for 7 years...I too see babies or I hear that one of our friends is having another baby, I go into this depressed state, cuz I want a baby... M don't like the fact what the dr will do to him So we just keep trying....Guess one day when the time is right we will both be parents....

¤ ¤ credit: heather | 03.18.02 at 12:09 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Dude, you can totally have mine! :)

¤ ¤ credit: Sekimori | 03.18.02 at 01:55 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Mine too :) Seriously though I think taking a break is the best thing. My sister went through the same thing (she even did the upside down hang off the side of the bed thing) for years and no baby then they just decided to stop all the testing etc and a year later she got pregnant and boom next thing we new she had three boys (not at once ;))
You know God's will and all :)
Rock on sister
if you ever get to feeling all motherly though you are soooooooo more than welcome to come borrow one of mine I have 3 ages to fit your needs :)

¤ ¤ credit: cheyenne | 03.18.02 at 04:12 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I doubt my body could support growing a baby just yet, and to be honest, I haven't been checked out and I really don't know if I can either. I don't think I have any female problems, but after years of CFS and nasty bugs running around my body, one never knows. I'm just so happy that the two of you have each other, and it's a wonderful joy practising parenthood on pets!! You can put them out the back and leave them for a few hours - no pressure hehehe

¤ ¤ credit: Joanne | 03.18.02 at 05:17 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Hey Robyn, I know I haven't commented in a while, nbut I felt it was time. Thank you for being so honest and putting yourself out there like you did. That kind of honesty and straightforwardness is simply awe-inspiring. Thank you again.

¤ ¤ credit: Sara | 03.18.02 at 08:08 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm sorry things have been so rough! I think you're right, though, there will be a someday for you guys! :-)

¤ ¤ credit: Candi | 03.18.02 at 08:55 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Hang in there sister! You are still young and anything can happen. You'll be a great Mom too from what I can tell. Good luck to ya.

¤ ¤ credit: JE | 03.18.02 at 10:18 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn that's a great attitude. I'm sure it will happen for you! Besides, I think it's great that it allows you more time to enjoy married life without the stress of children. Good luck! ;)

¤ ¤ credit: Linh | 03.18.02 at 11:17 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

two of my close friends are trying so hard to have a baby -- it makes me so sad to see what they (and their respective relationships) are going through.

you have such an amazing attitude about it -- I hope things work out for you two.

¤ ¤ credit: erika | 03.18.02 at 12:24 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

This was a beautiful post, straight from your heart, and I'm so glad you shared.

I'm in a place right now where I know that I should be thinking about having kids (I'll be 26 next month - my mom was 23 when she had me), but I know that my health situation is not by any means ideal, and the thought of running around after a toddler makes me need a nap!

But I agree with you that when the time is right, it will happen. And I think we'll both be ready when that time comes, even if though its not right now

Thanks again for sharing! :)

¤ ¤ credit: kristine | 03.18.02 at 12:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I thought that you guys were dealing with this... {{{{hugs}}}} Say... We could share Rachel with you! She has blonde hair, after all... she'll probably look more like she belongs with YOU than with me anyway! LOL! :D (P.S. I've heard many stories of people trying, then giving up going for adoption, only to get pregnant just as the adoption was going through... probably because they had stopped "trying so hard". Then they ended up with TWO kids. ;-)

¤ ¤ credit: Jennifer | 03.18.02 at 01:12 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

You're right. The two of you are wonderful and if the universe has any sense of justice you'll get the same allottment of children that every gimpy-minded genetic dumping ground seems to produce. I'm the eldest of two kids and I wasn't born until my Mom was 32, so the clock ain't tickin' yet. Plus, there are thousands of unwanted babies out there. If you want a daughter I hear they're practically running a 2 for 1 sale in China.

¤ ¤ credit: jamese | 03.18.02 at 01:36 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Thanks so much to everyone for their sweet notes of support, encouragement (and the offers of their children)! ;-) Isn't that like 'free birth control' though? LOL!

I won't lie -- my attitude hasn't always been good about all of this. A lot of people can back me up on that. When we first learned I probably couldn't get pregnant (at least without several medical miracles occuring all at once), my attitude was anything but good. I had read somewhere that the news we were facing was somewhat like the grieving process, and that was so true. There was the denial phase, the anger phase (and believe me that one lasted a long time), the hopeless phase, etc.) But just like with grief, there always comes acceptance -- and we're finally there.

We have discussed that when the time is finally right, if it doesn't happen naturally, we will just adopt. That wasn't even an option for Todd in the beginning. So much has changed as the circumstances do as well. The drugs I'd been on already ripped me inside out -- and the ones up next would be 10x as harsh. All that, with still no total guarantee of getting pregnant in the end... With adoption, you are guaranteed a baby eventually. And there are just so many babies that need good homes. Maybe we could get Angelina and Billy Bob's if things don't work out for them? *g*

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 03.18.02 at 01:45 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

2 for 1! I wish, we're trying for the 1 but will gladly take 2.

¤ ¤ credit: JE | 03.18.02 at 01:50 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, thanks for sharing this...you know that you guys have been in my prayers for a long time! And I love your honesty and your attitude. You are going to be awesome parents someday - but it's so good that you can just enjoy yourselves now. You are such a great example to others struggling with the same thing.

¤ ¤ credit: Cheryl | 03.18.02 at 03:26 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

You guys are the best! And both of you never cease to amaze me with your wit and humor and thoughtfulness and sensitivity and love for eachother. You guys really will make wonderful parents one day! :)

¤ ¤ credit: susannah | 03.18.02 at 04:13 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

You already know that I want nothing but the absolute best for you both - we all know you deserve it! You ARE going to make such incredible parents and I am *proud* to call myself your friend. {{{hugs}}}

¤ ¤ credit: Christi | 03.18.02 at 06:59 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so glad that you guys are considering adoption!! I really think you'll make great parents! and there really are SO MANY KIDS that need the kind of love you guys have. :D {{{{hugs}}}}

¤ ¤ credit: Jennifer | 03.19.02 at 09:33 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Geez, I just read this post, and I feel so bad about being so late about it, but I want to say how much I totally understand that.

B/c of a recent discovery of my own personal health condition (high blood pressure and kidney disease), I'm not sure kids will be possible by the time bf and I are ready.

As everyone says, it's a great attitude that you guys have.

I also want to share with you a little story from one of the ladies in our bible study fellowship....she and her husband tried for seven years for kids, and nothing worked. She finally and sadly had to give up that hope. Not even a year later, she went to the doctors to complain about feeling sick. The doctor came back and said that she was pregnant. She was so convinced that she COULD NOT be pregnant that she actually argued with the doctor at first.

I'm hoping and believing that one day, you too will have that happy argument with your doctor. *hugs*

¤ ¤ credit: ladybug | 04.26.02 at 02:50 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I went through this too, having gone through very early menopause. When I got married a few years later, we looked into what was then newly available medical technologies/hope. We got accepted into a brand new program, got up to the moment of them being ready and needing to make a decision. (like they called one night and needed to know at 8 AM the next day)

In an very hard moment that night, I realized that it wasn't a good choice for me and I declined. It was like starting the loss over again.

The grieving process you mention above is so real and complicated by the fact that people don't think of not being able to conceive children as a loss. It is. People don't know what to say or do. You get through it one way or another, but it's hard.

¤ ¤ credit: Mary Beth | 04.28.02 at 01:28 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

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