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Posted: 12.18.2002 To be, or not to be
I just took myself out back and gave myself a couple of good, swift kicks in the pants. I stopped for a minute to think about the afternoon I had, and why I didn't write about it. A couple of my friends know. My husband knows. I've been hurt, angry and upset. I've sat here either with tears streaming down my face or venom spewing out of my vocal chords. But rather than write about it -- in my journal -- I stayed silent.
"Why?", you might ask. Or, "What's the big deal?" Well you see sometimes my mom reads here. Not always. And usually only entries that I forward to her. But there are days she -- and her coworkers -- are still here. So as much as I'd like to claim that I don't really censor myself within my four cyber-walls, that just isn't the case anymore.
If this was a "paper journal" I would have been spilling my guts out today. But it's not. Things I feel -- and say -- don't just hurt me. Now they have the potential to hurt those I love if I decide to talk about them. And since I absolutely, positively suck at keeping paper journals on a regular basis -- what's a girl to do? Since my husband has first-hand knowledge of what has me so upset, I asked Todd if I should blog about it this afternoon. He answered, "Only if it doesn't stop with your last e-mail..." I'm not angry at what Todd said. I'm not angry with his advice. But I am ticked off (at myself) that it's at the point where I have to ask my husband what I should -- or shouldn't -- write about here. In MY journal. Does that even make sense? So in case you make it this far (and mom, if you're here, this is your cue to hit the back button) here's what has me so upset... My mom doesn't do well with Christmas. Whether she sees it this way or not, since the day I was old enough to realize it -- the woman becomes the world's biggest ball of stress on the planet from late November thru early January. You tiptoe quietly. You avoid. You roll your eyes. You pray you're not on the receiving end today. If of age, you hit the bar or bring a flask depending on location. It's something my sister and I have just quietly -- and sometimes not so quietly -- adjusted to our whole lives. I can't even say what brings it on exactly. It's just always been that way. It was beginning to look like we were going to avoid "the change" this year. I caught myself actually getting homesick, and starting to regret the lack of bank account balance that would take us home. (We haven't spent a Christmas in Oklahoma since 1999. In fact, our last time back was my grandfather's funeral in early November of 2000.) But today I decided that since Thanksgiving was late this year, an internal clock must have been thrown off or something. Today I got. The e-mail. <brief history update> My mom is married to a man I've met three times at the most. They've been married, I think, three or four years now. He's my mom's fourth husband. It's her second husband since Todd and I were engaged. I would guesstimate that I've spent less than 20 hours total around him. I barely know him. </brief history update> Well my mom got her Christmas present yesterday. Inside the shipping box was a (wrapped) gift to her and two cards to both of them. My mom wrote to make sure the gift wasn't just to her. She said her husband is very "tender-hearted", never wants to leave anyone out, and his feelings would be very hurt if the gift wasn't to the two of them. And...how would I feel if they did the same to Todd... For starters, Todd has been around since 1992. She's known him since he was 20. She spent more time with Todd during the few weeks we dated in college than I've spent with her current husband. She was at our wedding. (I did not attend her last two. She ran off to Vegas for one, and we couldn't afford to fly out for the second on such short notice.) She stayed with Todd for several weeks when I first got sick and was in the hospital -- and for another week when I had surgery in 2000. They've spent a great deal of time together. They know each other very well. For all intents and purposes, her current husband is a stranger to me. I never had much of a dad (be it blood-related or step) around in my life growing up. I don't want one now. He doesn't have a good relationship with his kids so my mom is always asking me and my sister to give him Father's Day and birthday greetings (and I assume gifts) in their place to "make it up to him". I don't want to be the one to "make it up to him". I don't want to have a personal relationship with him. He loves her. She loves him. They're happy together. That makes me happy. But that's where it ends for me. I'm very guarded when it comes to allowing new men in my life. You have a dad walk out on you at two and a grandfather -- who was your father -- die on you at three, and that tends to happen. Especially when your mom is on her fourth marriage before you turn 30. That's not a slam against her, so please don't take it that way. There were very real reasons for the divorces that happened and they should not reflect on her character. But it makes you guarded, nonetheless. My sister is somewhat close to this husband. But she lived with them for several weeks. She's been in the same metro area for almost a year now. She sees them at least 2-3 times a month. However, my sister very much understands my reasons for the distance I choose to place between us. That's because the second time I ever met the man, my sister was in the hospital in intensive care on heart monitors and a ventillator after a suicide attempt. Rather than sleep on the floor at my mom's empty house with them (they had just sold it following their wedding), I chose to stay in a hotel room -- with my own bed -- with my grandparents. My mom's husband, who I'd spent less than two hours total up 'til this point, went off on me in full view and earshot of the entire restaurant for picking my grandmother over my mother during such a difficult time. I ran out of the room crying and stood in an alcove during a sleet storm to call Todd on a pay phone, while my grandmother and grandfather proceeded to rip him a new one for doing that to me when I'd barely stepped off the plane. However wrong I might be, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for that. Or if I even want to get to know him for that. At the time, we didn't even know if my sister would have limited brain damage yet...and here was this stranger trying to play dad and give me a lecture. That didn't fly. Fast-forward to the gift I bought my mother this year... It was very personal in nature, related to an inside-joke and bond we've shared since I was a little girl. It's something I've had my eye on for months now for her. I didn't want to put his name on it. It was to my mom. And we're not exactly wealthy -- we had a limited budget for close friends and immediate family members, and we stuck to it this year. I think the fact I even made a card out to a relative stranger (pun somewhat intended) should speak volumes to the fact I at least tried. But once again...it wasn't good enough. It never is at Christmas. So now that I've poured our family's skeletons all over my blog...maybe I should have. Maybe I shouldn't. But I'm human. I have human problems (especially when it comes to family). And this is my journal to deal with my thoughts and emotions -- which I now intend to reclaim. So you may not agree with my opinion or how I handled the situation -- but I hope you will agree or at least respect that it is fully within my right to put my life events in my own journal. Which leads me to... Does your family read your blog? If you answered yes above, do you regret they have the address? Do I regret that I've chosen to be "me" here rather than an anonymous character? No -- I do not. Well, at least not yet.  i'm glad you put this up baby. i love you. ¤ ¤ credit: dick | 12.18.02 at 09:22 PM | link- -this ¤ ¤ Todd can back me up on this...U2's "One" came on while I was writing this entry... One love The irony was not lost on me. ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 12.18.02 at 09:27 PM | link--this ¤ ¤The great thing is you get to choose your husband, but you are stuck with your family and their choices. You are doing what is right for you and that is all that matters...you have every right to make the choice you did...that's why it is called "a gift". And by the way, if I had the guy pull that scene on me I would still not be seeing my mom. He was just a rude ass. ¤ ¤ credit: daisy | 12.18.02 at 09:30 PM | link--this ¤ ¤robyn, i agree with you that you got the gift for her. she has been around you your whole life and this guy hasn't. nothing wrong with what you did. -this ¤ ¤Daisy, I've never said this to my mother's face -- but if he's treated his children their whole life the way he treated me within a span of minutes -- I think there's probably a very real reason they don't speak to him. There's always two sides to every story, and I've never heard theirs. But based on my own experiences... ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 12.18.02 at 09:34 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Wow - that's tough. I think you should not be expected to send him a gift and the fact that you sent a card DID show that you tried. My parents read my blog and I wish I didn't censor as much as I do. I admire you for putting it out there. ¤ ¤ credit: Shanni | 12.18.02 at 09:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤You're an incredible person. *hug* ¤ ¤ credit: erika | 12.18.02 at 09:45 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Hm... families, can't live with 'em, can't -- live with 'em. Hey, I can't keep a paper journal either. This blog o' mine is the first steady journal I've ever kept. Yay me. Anyway, I know where you are coming from. I've had that sort of treatment, from family and so-called friends. (Your family you sometimes, not always, have to take it from -- your friends, well... sometimes you think you have to take it from them, until you realize you don't.) Anyway -- the accusations of insensitivity, the extra-special mood swings during certain holidays... the idea of Christmas, irreligious being that I am, has always made me happy, but I kept running into all these anti-Xmas people! My luck. I considered for some time whether I would use my real name on my blog. There are pretty good reasons why I maybe shouldn't -- but I decided that I was tired of hiding. Let them come after me if they want. All they can do is badmouth me in places I don't go anymore. Family-wise, I have very few surviving relatives, and my sister does not even know her way around a computer much less own one. ¤ ¤ credit: Andrea Harris | 12.18.02 at 09:45 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, i have to give you kudos for sharing yourself with us. though this is a public forum, albeit a personal journal, letting "strangers" into your private life, you should be able to say whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want. you have every single right to feel the way you feel and you can share it if you want to... how i see it is this: your family is Todd, now. and that's what my mom has said to me. when you get married, your family is your husband and your children. your sisters/brothers/parents/grandparents are second in line now. and your step-dad has to realize that. your gift is just to your mother. that was your choice. the fact that his own children doesn't want to talk to him should be a wake-up call. and he doesn't even know you, really. he can't start playing "dad" now even when he can't play "dad" with his children. now, i'm not pointing fingers... i just see this kind of stuff going on with my friends and their family members, too. and to do this around Christmastime, too... i'm just glad you have such a loving and supportive husband. i'm in kind of similar bind, too... i answered "yes" when you asked if family reads my blog... one sister does, the other sister knows of the blog, my mom knows about it, my dad's the quiet type. and i also said "yes" when you asked if i regret sharing the URL. i shared it with one sister willingly, the other sister i did it out of spite, my parents just "found out." my husband doesn't read my blog, but he does now and then... and he supports me wholeheartedly with whatever i say. because, frankly, truth hurts sometimes. take care, Robyn. *hugs* ¤ ¤ credit: Kathy | 12.18.02 at 09:51 PM | link--this ¤ ¤That was very powerful, at least for me. I have been struggling with the question of how open is too open. I posted my answers to the questions at the bottom of the entry on my blog. ¤ ¤ credit: Phil | 12.18.02 at 10:02 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, the gift was for your mom, and it was intended by you to be such. There shouldn't be a need to justify why you got the gift solely for her. Your step-dad is a grown man, and should act accordingly. [sorry I know that sounds trite] It shouldn't be expected of you to give him a gift if you do not feel you should, the card was a wonderful gesture in itself. Having grown up with a mother who marries often I know the feeling of not wanting to have another dad. No one should force that upon you. As for family, I have to ditto what Kathy said. Hoping that Christmas will be filled with good cheer. *hugs* ¤ ¤ credit: munin | 12.18.02 at 10:04 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Well, in my case, which involved a CPS caseworker reading several passages of my writings in front of a judge this summer (fortunately, really docile stuff...)to me the price is WAY to high to express myself. I've always believed you should never write anything you're not prepared to say to someone's face. (I just deleted a whole bunch of stuff here. It was nothing bad, but I don't think have a right or enough information to form an opinion on what's going on... and I hate to look stupid.) ¤ ¤ credit: -e- | 12.18.02 at 10:34 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Just for the record, other than the bit about his kids -- everything said here was said to my mom in advance of my posting it today. That was when Todd said, "...if it doesn't stop with your last e-mail you should..." I just don't want her reading the comments here, because obviously a great deal of the people leaving comments will be on "my side". ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 12.18.02 at 10:44 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I admire your courage, *high five* ¤ ¤ credit: queen | 12.18.02 at 10:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Good on you! I think you showed real courage posting this and addressing the distinction between private and public life. Undoubtedly your mother is going to read this, that's a given, and dealing with these issues this way may well prove to be the best way. Think of it as an added layer of insulation. I wouldn't dream of being so presumptuous as to give advice on a complex family thing to a total stranger, but I do think that being straightforward and honest is a prerequisite... that much you've done and should be applauded for. That's what's nice about letters, they don't talk back... well, at least they don't until you enable comments. ¤ ¤ credit: Al S. | 12.18.02 at 11:05 PM | link--this ¤ ¤(By the way, you're the person, or yours is the blog, however you choose to see it, that inspired me to give my journal a fresh start. Thank you Robyn m'dear!) Lord only knows what turns your mom into such a passive-aggressive wonderball, but I bet it's way the hell back in her earlyish history. Sounds like there's a deeply ingrained fantasy there---that Christmas must be perfect in every facet and dimension---and anything that threatens the fantasy (or more accurately threatens her attempts to make the world fit the fantasy) threatens her. I wonder what it is she believes will be achieved by having a truly perfect Christmas? It must be very important, whatever it is. Out in the real world, however, I sincerely believe that you were perfectly justified in getting your mom a very personal present and just getting a card for your stepdad. I can't help but wonder whether you knew or had a premonition, as you mailed it off, that Trouble Would Come Of It, but that is essentially a separate issue. I'm sorry to hear that you are one of the far too many people out there who has to deal with a parent who is not fully adult. (I have one, too...) My own mom's been married and divorced three times (early, quickly-over marriage; my dad; my stepdad) and the last, to my stepdad, failed after the old bastard refused to become part of our family, but instead tried to conform us to his image of what we should be. We had a few scenes not unlike yours in the hospital. (Three cheers and a tiger for your grandparents stepping in!) If your circumstances were anything like mine, a card is more than he could really expect. Me, I would have sent a `family' card and then one to Mom in the present, but I'm passive-aggressive too. Just know you've got plenty of moral support from all points, and definitely from this Outpost on the Left Coast. --Luis ¤ ¤ credit: Luis | 12.18.02 at 11:13 PM | link--this ¤ ¤i've definitely thought twice about writing some things on my site, as i know people at home and work have my address. to some degree i wish i could have that back. at the same time, i enjoy sharing some of the entries with them, and i think they enjoy it as well. so it's a balancing act. you can always modify .htaccess files to keep 'em out! "i have no idea why you're getting a 'forbidden' message, mom!" ;)
-this ¤ ¤Coming out of lurkdom to say that this is the *exact* reason I now have two domains. I started the first one so I would have my own place to write instead of combining it with my daughter's. The second one came about recently due to the fact that my maternal unit has estranged herself from me and my brother and our families and I need a place to write about it. Most of our family reads our blogs (in-laws, grandparents, etc and at least my maternal unit used to), so I didn't feel comfortable spewing forth the emotions I am feeling relating to this situation especially since I don't think the rest of the family knows about it. Anyway I think you are an awesome person and I am glad you stood up for yourself and wrote about what *you* wanted in *your* journal. I wish I had the cojones* to have done that, but it's too late now LOL! *A side note, while attempting to verify the spelling of the word "cojones" I came across this quiz. I got a 50. I guess I am on the fence as far as the proverbial balls go. ((((hugs)))) -this ¤ ¤Dad #4 deserved to have a new one ripped for going off at you like that. I totally agree with you. Jason's mother turns into psycho hosebeast at Christmas too, so I totally know where you're coming from. We're packing house and moving on Christmas Eve this year. We'll be at the in laws at some stage with no presents and I know it's gonna cause problems, but we're spending several thousand dollars and every penny we have and more money I'm borrowing just to move so Jason has a job. They can quite frankly go kiss my shiny white ass. People that upset you on Christmas are assholes. ¤ ¤ credit: Jessica | 12.18.02 at 11:41 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone is obligated to buy anyone else a present for anything. Presents are symbols of love and care, a sign that says "i'm thinking of you on this occasion". Family or not, you should never be guilt-tripped into buying a present for someone else. I think you should kindly remind your mother that presents are not what Christmas is all about. That being said, congrats on having the guts to stand up for yourself to your mother. For me, that's one of the hardest things to do (of course, that may have something to do with the fact that I still live with my parents sometimes). My parents read my site, and unfortunately, that causes me to censor myself. And I regret that. Perhaps someday I'll start an anonymous blog, so I can say what I really want to say without hurting people I know. ¤ ¤ credit: theresa | 12.19.02 at 12:03 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Wow yet another thing we have in common. I swear on my grandmothers grave you just described my mother and "her" husband to a "t" Another thing I don't talk about in my blog. My family, my mom, on her second husband after my dad, but after numerous affairs on him (my dad) she is with 'this' guy. The first thing that pissed me off about him is that, he wanted to get married on Valentines Day, knowing full well it's my birthday. He of course wanted to do this after we had a blow out. Thank god my b-day was on a Sunday that year and no one would marry them that day. My mom constantly tell me I should include him on all gift-giving...phht..whatever, I sent my mom a gift, I don't give a crap about him. He took over my mothers life, he took over my mother to where she isn't my mother anymore. She's someone that gave birth to me almost 30 years ago because she decided he was more important than my sister and I. Ugh..I could go on and on, but I can't..it pisses me off to no end... I'm starting a new blog where no one knows who I am. Where my inlaws, where my family, my ex-husband or anyone else I choose to keep out can't find me. I can't say a lot of stuff I want to becase I don't want to step on toes or hurt anyone, but what's the damn point of having a blog where you can't write what you're feeling. I applaud you for our openness.. ¤ ¤ credit: Dania | 12.19.02 at 12:16 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Presents ARE a gift of love and appreciation. They should no way, under any circumstances be expected or demanded. Hang in there. For what it's worth I think you are warrented in your actions. ¤ ¤ credit: Nicole | 12.19.02 at 01:35 AM | link--this ¤ ¤I am kinda in the same boat Robyn, I so know where you are coming from HUGS!!! ¤ ¤ credit: Heather | 12.19.02 at 01:36 AM | link--this ¤ ¤The thought that someone who doesn't know you from a hole in the ground having the adacity to disregard your feelings and tell you that has me spitting sparks here. When my Dad was in the hospital, my Mother clearly understood that I had to deal with things my way. Just like I understood that she had to deal with things in her way. My way, at times, was to sit in my car, crank up my stereo, and scream into my steering wheel. And while she would have prefered me being there beside her so she would have someone to cry with, she understood that I needed to do that. I give you credit for being a much nicer individual than I ever would have been. To this day I haven't spoken to some family (hell, I even flip them the bird visably) who decided to play king shit with me when my Dad died. Although prior to that they were far enough away (distance and the fact that I had never met them before, nor had they spoken to my family for years) for me not to have to worry about coming into contact with them except on rare occasions, had that individual been as close as your step-father (meaning, that he's with your Mother), I can't guarentee that I wouldn't be in jail. My uncle literally had to hold me back when the specialist informed us that he missed a spot on my Father's x-rays (long story). I would have killed him. If not, I would have at least made him a patient instead of a doctor. The fact that you even gave the man a card surprises me. I would have given him nothing more than a rope and instructions on how to tie a noose. But, then again, I'm sadistic, and stories like that which you told about what he said when your sister was in the hospital just get me beyond angry... Sorry for the run on sentences. ¤ ¤ credit: Veshka | 12.19.02 at 02:10 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn...it wouldn't be such a bad thing for your mom to read the comments and to know you have such great support...and as far is it being "your side"...I'm a great believer in the 3 sides to every story (yours, mine & the truth) so everything you see or hear has to be put to that test...but they are your feelings and it is good you told your mom about them. You will always love her and if the guy makes her happy that's a bonus...but YOU don't have to be his friend...that's not in the rule book. ¤ ¤ credit: daisy | 12.19.02 at 09:07 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, you are such a wonderful person *HUGS* You are so brave to stand tough in your convictions. I am going through this constantly with my dad and mom as well (they are my natural parents). I refuse to acknowledge him, send him cards, talk to him on the phone, etc. I keep in contact with my mom, email her, talk on the phone with her. And as much as she thinks that I'm ignoring my dad for the reason that it will upset her, it's not the reason. There are many reasons and I will not hijack your comments yet again! *LOL* Hang tough and know that I and others are there with you in that boat. *hugs* for strength! ¤ ¤ credit: Simply Sara | 12.19.02 at 09:22 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Been there, done that...passed on the t-shirt. I am lucky in that my family has a basic policy that you get gifts if you can, and no one is hurt if they don't get one or get one back. And don't EVER take money from buying your own kids gifts to buy stuff for family. That will get you the biggest lecture you ever got from my Grandma. My wife's family, however, is a different animal. You have to buy a separate gift for each member of the family (thank god it's a small one, 6 people total). It HAS to be a persoanl gift, which is hard when 3 of them we only see once a year. I know it's equally hard for all of them to buy for me and if I had my choice, they wouldn't. -this ¤ ¤It's amazing how some people just seem to take the joy out of the holidays, isn't it? Robyn, you are an amazing woman and an inspiration to us all... I can't say anything else, since everyone else has said it so much more eloquently than I can... I hope you and Todd have a Happy Holiday and a splendid New Year! :-) ¤ ¤ credit: Lisa | 12.19.02 at 10:38 AM | link--this ¤ ¤{{robyn}} why is it so difficult for daughters and mothers to get along? why do some mothers do unthinking, heartless things to their kids, especially their daughters? obviously, I don't expect you to have the answers. I also have to deal with unreasonable things that my mom does/says and it's so frustrating. I love my mother, and can't bear to have a day go by without talking to her. when we argue it hurts so much because I'm terrified of something happening to my mom and our last exchange being one filled with hard feelings. and when it comes to our mothers' husbands/boyfriends, it's crazy how they do us sometimes. years ago, when I was 20, my mother had a boyfriend who jumped into the middle of an argument my mom & I were having and it was so bizarre. this man barely knew me, had been with my mom for one year, and had the nerve to try to tell me how I should talk to my mother. all I can do is keep loving her and trying not to trip too hard off her bullshit, and hope I never become an unreasonable, unbearable mama to my son. I hope everything smooths over for you, and soon. (sorry so long!) ¤ ¤ credit: starmama | 12.19.02 at 10:39 AM | link--this ¤ ¤oh, and some of my family members read my blog, but I don't censor much of what I write. mostly because my mom doesn't have a computer :) ¤ ¤ credit: starmama | 12.19.02 at 10:42 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Everyone has to set their own line about what they wil write about and what they won't. My line is that I will only write about stuff that is solely mine. Unfortunately many of my details include details of others' lives around me. I choose not to include them so they don't get dragged in. But that's just me. Besides I find plenty of things to blather on about anyway. :) ¤ ¤ credit: Cody | 12.19.02 at 12:32 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I think what the problem is is that when your mom REALLY likes/loves someone, she wants everyone else to love him too, whether they should or not, whether they want to or not. She's in an awkward position when you don't, she gets to deal with their "hurt feelings" (or not), she's stuck in the middle between people who don't really like each other. I don't have a stepdad, but I have a similar issue. My grandfather has pretty much been a general mooching jerk my entire life, and my mother has been clinging to him for dear life since my grandmother died. She was the middle child and nobody's favorite, and I think that had an effect on her. My grandfather ignored the family for years while he ran off to live with a girlfriend (who he moved in with while my grandmother was dying), and then after she died started sponging off Mom. I used to hate his guts- I have mellowed now, but I still don't want to talk to him or show him any faked affection. Mom has actually ordered me to love and care about him and kiss and hug him. It drives me bats. I don't need or want him in my life or to have a relationship with him, and he hasn't had much interest in doing that with me, so... *sigh* She'll never get it. I'd suggest perhaps getting stepdad #whatever some generic token gift next year, perhaps? And how could she think some specific in-joke referencing gift for her was for the both of them, anyway? Sounds like well, she was fooling herself? ¤ ¤ credit: Jennifer | 12.19.02 at 01:23 PM | link--this ¤ ¤My mom reads my journal and because of some random semi-negative comment I made about our trip to Montana this summer (with my parents) my dad has not spoken to me in 4 months. Sometimes I wish I could just write about whatever the hell I want, but unfortunately, I can't as long as my parents read my journal. :( Unless, I just completely give up caring what they think. ¤ ¤ credit: leandra | 12.19.02 at 02:49 PM | link--this ¤ ¤see rob, i told you to just get them that damned Chia Pet and be done with it... ¤ ¤ credit: mikey | 12.19.02 at 04:32 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Big holidays can be stressful on family. I hope it smooths over. My family doesn't read my weblog, they don't seem to care that it exists. I reckon my parents don't read it because they're a little afraid of what they'll find. ¤ ¤ credit: andrea | 12.20.02 at 04:13 AM | link--this ¤ ¤
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