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Posted: 06.16.2002
Dear Daddy, I write you in spite of years of silence

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared...

Father of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your golden girl
Back before you went away...

Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
and you don't see me...

Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
With a five dollar bill
I never understood you then
and I guess I never will...

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame...

Today my husband and I both join the legions of other 70s and 80s children (whose fathers left them, remarried, and promptly forgot they even existed) in sending a hearty "FUCK YOU" to the men who donated the sperm to make us all possible.

I did it without you dad. And quite honestly, I feel I'm a better person for it. So wherever you might be -- just know you will never, EVER be allowed to hurt my children one day the way you hurt me.

Happy fucking Father's Day. And thanks for saving us the cost of a Hallmark and a stamp.


Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...

You too? My dad left for a business trip in '77 and decided he would rather be single in Florida than married with four kids in Virginia. We never heard from him again. Que sera, Robyn. We were better off on our own anyway.

Anyhoo, Happy dad's day to the guys that have earned the title. The rest of you can piss off.

¤ ¤ credit: Ron | 06.16.02 at 06:00 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Yeah, Todd and I both have similar stories actually...believe it or not. I had two grandfathers as father figures growing up (both have passed away). I was much better off that way! Sounds like you were, too...

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 06.16.02 at 06:03 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn:I can honestly say i know that pain.My four sisters and i had an absentee bio-father.Luckily had saintly mother.I believe it was tougher for mother and sisters than me.Later in life i saw two of these sisters and their children abandoned by their husbands & fathers-one on her birthday,with three small children to run off with another married woman.I'm sorry that some men can leave their children and cause this hurt.It is beyond my understanding.You have so overcome it and i'm glad you found such a good man to marry.You expressed it so well.

¤ ¤ credit: JoeW | 06.16.02 at 06:06 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

As odd as it may sound, it is so much easier that mine is dead now. I am no longer worried about what to say, or even worse, how to react when he does the off-the-wall shit that he so often did. I am, however, glad to have at least a few positive memories, and hope that your day goes well in spite of his thoughtless actions. {hugs}

¤ ¤ credit: Susan | 06.16.02 at 06:18 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Susan-"ditto".The love and pride these men could have had in such wonderful daughters-a shame.You gals have a wonderful daughters day.

¤ ¤ credit: JoeW | 06.16.02 at 06:24 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Im so right there with u all...My life is so much better since I don't have a father...yeah I miss it some but then I rmemeber all that was done...and think that things are so much better!!!

¤ ¤ credit: Heather | 06.16.02 at 07:17 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Why are some men such utter assholes. While my father didn't leave us, he has his moments and is rather selfish at times. This week the "asshole man" story award goes to my sick friend who's been sick for the 18 months of her marriage and the couple of years BEFORE the marriage. 18 months to the day, hubby just decided he'd had enough of her being sick and rang her and told her not to come back from visiting her mother, that he didn't love her and not to come home. She's just lucky it happened 18 months into the marriage and not 6 years and 2 kids into it. Lucky escape if you ask me.

Men that abandon people like that usually end up as hobo's, drunk as a skunk and smelly sleeping under a tree, so there is a small amount of justice in the world ;)

¤ ¤ credit: Joanne | 06.16.02 at 08:12 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

that song says it all...everclear rocks...

¤ ¤ credit: queen | 06.16.02 at 08:51 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

good for you, girl! and forget him. he doesn't even deserve the attention of your anger.

¤ ¤ credit: redsugar | 06.16.02 at 09:11 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

And look how wonderful you turned out. A splendid and terrific person. I only hope Caroline can do the same. You rock Robyn!

¤ ¤ credit: annessa | 06.16.02 at 10:56 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

It isn't only men that leave.

¤ ¤ credit: wKen | 06.16.02 at 11:50 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Thank you for this post. I just made a similar post on my blog and popped over to catch up and these comments made me cry. I have a great dad but my son has a donor as well. Seeing all of you talk about how you overcame your father's weaknesses and lack of contributions towards your lives helped me tremendously because I worry so much about my son. I'm sorry your father was a shit but you all are to be commended for who you are. And wKen, I know it isn't only the men who leave. I have several male friends who are exceptional fathers, much better than the mothers, and kudos to them. They are the ones who deserve the real recognition on this day.

¤ ¤ credit: Trish | 06.16.02 at 12:24 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Although I know I am lucky to have a wonderful father, I am no stranger to pain. I am so proud of the woman that you are Robyn and even prouder to call you "friend". And nothing that your father did or didn't do could change that. Your strength amazes me. Love you!

¤ ¤ credit: Christi | 06.16.02 at 01:22 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

*hugs*, dearest robyn.

wish me luck with mine...

¤ ¤ credit: ericalynn | 06.16.02 at 01:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

wKen, I couldn't agree with you more. I've known several sons and daughters who grew up without mothers as well.

I think in my own case -- the hardest part wasn't the fact that he left or wasn't there. It was knowing that he had a new wife, life and three children -- and stuck around to raise them all. I met my half-brothers and sister in my early 20s and they had a normal "dad". His other daughter was "daddy's little girl" (and very jealous of any time or attention that he paid me). To this day I still don't understand how those children were so important -- and I only warranted "guilt" appearances (sometimes without invitation, granted) at things like graduations and weddings. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him since I was 5 years old.

Todd had a very similar situation -- only his dad took it a step further. He actually ADOPTED another child (near his granddaughter's age) yet ignored his own two flesh and blood sons. To my knowledge, he's only even bothered to meet his granddaughter 1-2 times in her 10 years on the planet.

You just can't continue to analyze situations like this and what makes these "parents" act the way they do. It could drive you mad. So instead a hearty "fuck you...I've moved on..." was in order. Although I consider myself raised by an incredible mother and grandmother, I'm very thankful to have had at least had two father-figures around for part of my life. Some children don't even get that lucky.

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 06.16.02 at 03:29 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

While I have not had the experience you had...
I am reminded of a quote from the movie 'Parenthood' that has always stuck with me
'you need a license to catch fish, you need a license to own a dog... any asshole can be a father!'

I became a father 9 months ago and I can not image ever turning my back on my child, there is a special place in hell for those that do!

¤ ¤ credit: stephen | 06.16.02 at 04:04 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

The sad thing is, when you have children of your own, you feel it even worse. My dad made the cursory once-a-year visits when I was a kid (he split when I was 3), but now that I have a daughter, he comes around a lot, and wants her to come visit him. I guess I can write some of that off to him (possibly) having matured since I was a kid, but at the same time, it really hurts. Plus, the love I have for my daughter would have NEVER allowed me to walk away from her the way he did from my brothers and me. Knowing he never felt that way about us is just another cut. But, like you Robyn, I have an awesome mom and grandma, and had an absolutely wonderful grandpa, and some kickin' uncles who took up the slack.

Incidentally, history can repeat itself...my daughter's dad hasn't seen her in over 2 years. Luckily, she's been taught to realize that's a fault in him, not her.

¤ ¤ credit: Tracy | 06.16.02 at 04:09 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

After posting that, I remembered my annual father's day card ordeal...Anybody else have to send father's day cards out of obligation, and while you're looking through the cards, you have to put back all the deep, meaningful cards, because they don't apply to your own relationship wtih your dad?

¤ ¤ credit: Tracy | 06.16.02 at 04:11 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

It didn't just happen in the Seventies... My mother's father abandoned her, her mother, and her three sisters in Tennessee in the middle of the Depression. My grandmother never remarried, and raised her daughters all by herself. The next time my mother saw her father was at his funeral.

¤ ¤ credit: Andrea Harris | 06.16.02 at 04:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

tracy, i am going through that right now. i also go through that with my grandparents, whom i haven't spoken to in 6 years or seen in 13. i always have to send generic birthday cards to them out of pure obligation!

¤ ¤ credit: ericalynn | 06.16.02 at 05:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, I too had the grandfather as a father figure and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had many people ask if I would ask my father to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. The loser didn't even get an invitation to the wedding. I am so thankful that I have a husband that would never do that to our children.

¤ ¤ credit: Holly | 06.16.02 at 07:04 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I can relate too.

I never met my father. He ran out before I was born.

I love that song too. Everclear writes the most awesome music.

I wrote a song about this as well:

It's about meeting my wife. And dealing with growing up.

¤ ¤ credit: Karl | 06.16.02 at 08:29 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Woohoo, Girl! Word straight from my own heart!

¤ ¤ credit: Lady Phoxxe | 06.16.02 at 08:37 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Oh...how this post and the comments made me sit here and weep. I am one of those kids, too. Grew up not only without a father figure, but with a stepfather who abused me. Then found out that in the interim my real father had remarried and had a son.
And now I am the proud recipient of two sperm donors. And my gorgeous, wonderful sons are now growing up without a male figure in their lives. And I just don't know what this will mean for them. I can only do my best to help them grow and learn and meet REAL men that they can look up to. All in all, a daunting task. I hope I am up for the challenge.
Thanks for this post, and for being brave enough to post it. :)

¤ ¤ credit: Tricia | 06.16.02 at 09:19 PM | link--this ¤ ¤


That is one of my all time favorite lines. It's so true.

¤ ¤ credit: statia | 06.16.02 at 10:16 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

No, it isn't just the men who leave. Except that I didn't start out "leaving" my son. My ex got arrested, convicted and sent to prison for two felony crimes (he got off easy with two years since he was in the Army with a good conduct record before that) and I ended up not being able to afford to keep my son. I thought it would be ridiculous to (1) go on welfare and be a bad example to my child or (2) work three jobs and keep him in daycare where he wouldn't even have me, so I sent him to live with his grandparents til I got my shit straightened out.

Well, the grandparents in question were his father's parents and they were none too happy with me (I had turned him in), and they harped so much on my being a bad wife and mother (I wasn't perfect, no, but I hadn't abused or killed anybody) that I decided to take them at their word. I'm a bad mama? Okay, YOU raise him. But don't you dare tell him it's because I didn't love him. Tell him I was a bad mom and you rescued him from me.

Yeah, I'm still angry. And I know some parents really are POS's (pieces of shit) but you know something, sometimes you don't have the whole story.

If it's any consolation, I do not plan on having any more children.

¤ ¤ credit: Dana | 06.16.02 at 10:22 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Dana, I'm sorry...but you'll have to work out your own issues and your own problems in your own journal. This is my journal -- and a place for my thoughts and opinions on my own life -- in which case, I do have the whole story.

You see, I let that man in for my wedding and the days that followed with the threat should he ever end contact again, it was a one-shot deal and his chances were OVER (because grandchildren would one day be involved). He never showed up -- and never called to say why -- the day before we moved to Florida and he was supposed to help Todd load the UHaul. I haven't heard from him since. In fact, the ONLY time I hear from anyone on that side of the family is with a graduation, wedding or birth announcement (in other words "give me a gift"). They could bother to find out our address in Florida. Just not to remain in touch or send thank you cards. After this became abundantly clear, the gifts stopped -- and they got cards.

As for the rest of your rant, I know that if I had a child I could not raise due to whatever circumstance, I would walk through fire and back until I COULD do so. And I would never, ever ask someone else to make my excuses for me. I would do it face-to-face with my child -- even if it meant being in court every other day for the rest of my life until my parental rights were met. You're crying to the wrong woman on that one. You should be angry. You are relying on two other people to tell your child that you love them instead of telling them yourself.

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 06.16.02 at 10:42 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn :You ARE the best.You express yourself so well and are sooo right.Sorry to see you miss out on final race to 500 on Todd's blog (last word thread).I know you're always first AND last over there though.

¤ ¤ credit: JoeW | 06.17.02 at 12:08 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Thanks Joe! I just posted why I wasn't able to join in the fun tonight. He had me chained to the computer chair while singing, "She can bring home the bacon...and fry it up in a pan..."

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 06.17.02 at 03:36 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Fathers don't have to leave to be absent and assholes.

I didn't want to post anything on Father's Day because all I'd have to say is how he leeches and steals from my mother. He's completely conceited and selfish and self-absorbed, but won't think of leaving since my mother's his money tree.

I'm glad he was out partying and drinking all the time I was growing up because I didn't learn to be like him.

¤ ¤ credit: andrea | 06.17.02 at 03:43 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I guess I'm the "old" person here. I'm so sorry you kids had such a rough upbringing. I wish there was some way to make these dads see what they missed, because they are truly the ones who missed out. You all seem to have turned out just fine without them. I had a happy home life growing up, and so much wanted it for my own kids. It wasn't to be. But, I had the wonderful honor of walking Robyn down the aisle to a man who is an awesome husband, and hopefully he makes up for some of the things Robyn didn't have growing up. Todd, thank you for all you do and all you are. I only hope someday I can repay you for making my little girl so happy.
And Robyn, thank you for the compliment earlier. I always wondered what you thought of how I raised you. I made mistakes, plenty of them, but I did my best. And I'm VERY proud of YOU!

¤ ¤ credit: mama | 06.17.02 at 01:42 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn - W.O.M.A.N. -You kill me (not a request).

¤ ¤ credit: JoeW | 06.17.02 at 02:46 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

My heart aches for you; it really does. When my daughter turned four, I had to work that day(Saturday) and missed her birthday party. To make up for it, I took her to breakfast alone, instead. Little did I know I was starting a tradition. She's 24 years old now, and the only year we missed was when I had my stroke. Now, that I've recovered, we're doing it again, every year.

How can a man pass up such love, such joy? I have no illusions; I'm a really ordinary guy. But to my daughter, I'm just short of sainthood.

¤ ¤ credit: Lauren Coats | 06.18.02 at 01:34 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

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