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Personal blog entries now here. Blogger Boobie-Thon moved here.
Want a new view? You're not stuck with this design -- skin the site!

You wouldn't have to be a great detective to
see the things you do to me are self-reflexive
I think I'm in real danger of becoming 'the song blog' this month...but this song just came on randomly in my rotation, and after some of the things I've seen / heard floating around out there about me this week, I found the timing especially fitting...

People love to watch you die
And wonderful to tell
People you have never met
Claim to know you well

People love to watch you die
Dig your dignity
One guy said '(S)he's better dead
Than how (s)he used to be'

They'll sell the souvenirs
And the relics of your tears
They build a little shrine, wait until it shines
They love to watch you die and you know why

People love to watch you die
It gets them sexually
And then they smoke a cigarette
And make a cup of tea

People love to watch you fry
They love to throw the switch
They'll either have you crucified
Or burn you as a witch
They send bouquets of flowers
And then stare at space for hours
They build a little shrine, wait until it shines
They love to watch you die and you know why

People love to watch you die
Then give your family hell
They call it grief but it's just a relief
And they know that full well

People love to watch you drown
The symbol's what they need
They'd rather not see you at all
Than watch your hair recede
And just to watch your pain
They'd bring you back to life again
They build a little shrine, sing you Auld Lang Syne
They love to watch you die and you know why...

Lyrics Credit: John Wesley Harding
posted at 10:16 PM | link--it | mail it | (25) shout it

Blame won't change the end result
If anyone thought I was actually making fun of the Rhode Island club victims and families yesterday, please read this blog entry. I can assure you, I was not. The only thing I can even equal it with in scope and gravity within my own community in my mind is the Oklahoma City bombing. I'm so very sorry, Crystal.
posted at 02:03 AM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it

I've asked myself how much do you commit yourself?

[you snoozed you losed]

If I could buy my reasoning
I'd pay to lose
One half won't do...

...It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends

Funny how I blind myself
I never knew if I was
Sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

I'd tell myself what good you do
Convince myself

It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends...

...It's my life
Don't you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends....

[Click here for song lyrics]
posted at 12:26 AM | link--it | mail it | (2) shout it

Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Ok, brain-dead fun very much needed.....head on over to MTV's website and help pick the "22 Greatest MCs the last 22 years". Vanilla Ice and Hammer are nowhere to be found on the list...what up wit'dat? It's criminal.
posted at 06:02 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it

Once bitten, twice shy
Has there been any good news this month? Seriously?

Suddenly I'm very glad my clubbing days are pretty much over... First the, stampede Monday night in Chicago that killed 21. Then Thursday night, a fire (at least 10-20 dead, over 110 injured as of 4:30 a.m. EST) at a club in Rhode Island. I guess it's probably the wrong time to ponder the fact that 80s hair band Great White actually had 300 paying fans in 2003, huh?

Footnote: According to CNN, the worst nightclub fire in U.S. history occurred November 28, 1942. November 28, 1972, is my birthday. Eeep.
posted at 04:29 AM | link--it | mail it | (37) shout it

Move along...there's nothing to see here...
I've removed the content and the comments from this entry*.

Normally it is not my policy to remove all traces of anything of that nature. However, because I got upset at someone I perceived to be bringing in more grief and strife into my blog at a time I had more than enough of that in my personal life -- and then I publicly lashed out at them for doing so, telling them to take it elsewhere and lose my URL -- I only succeeded in getting myself called a whore and a stripper. I was given links to midol.com during a miscarriage. Comments were left in that individual's blog, after they decided they wanted a flame war and publicly begged for it (one I refused to play in), stating "karma for her is a mother fucker". That phrase referred to the loss of my two children, and hinted that somehow because I have banned commenters and deleted comments in the past, that the ends were justified by the means. Whatever.

Attack me all you want. I've been called worse than a whore and a tramp in my 30 years, I can assure you. I was a cheerleader in high school. I'm a natural blonde. Enough said. But you do not EVER go after my unborn children. Game over. My blog has been permanently changed.

Since the site owner and his little group can't be adult enough to move on once and for all (somehow I've warranted four entries since this all began) -- well, I am. This entry is gone. Links to that individual's site have been removed. Comments are closed on all of the entries I referred to in this original rant.

I am grieving regardless of what anyone may try to insinuate. And the thing that started it all was the fact I wanted an end to the bullshit I saw being slung around here again. And obviously I am not the only one who took that individual's comments the way I did. He was ripped a new asshole every time he tried to open his mouth here. The sentiment was nothing new. They may not see it that way at all. They may think their comments were completely justified and non-inflammatory. That's fine. But in my house, it's my rules. Public blog or not, I -- and I alone -- have the power of the delete key.

Unfortunately, that crowd decided to exercise a level of grace and control Anna Nicole Smith would be proud of and attempted to rip apart a woman at the weakest point of her life. I don't care if I had personally written FUCK YOU in red lipstick across the windshield of your brand new car and spit in your face, nothing -- and I do mean NOTHING I did -- warranted the response I got in return. Get pissed. Fine. Call me a bitch. Ok. I wear that title proudly. But leave my dead children OUT of it.

And speaking of karma, just remember folks...it's a two way street. Someone else is going to be waiting in the wings for the lowest points in your own lives. I just hope they have less self-restraint than I do when it finally happens. You deserve nothing less.

*I have them all saved in text file form, so if you think there's something sinister here and think you really need that file and everything in it to prove you have 'the whole story', then go here.
posted at 07:04 PM | link--it | mail it | (0) shout it

Popcorn love - just wait! They will see...
This is what we do to amuse ourselves when we should be working and just can't concentrate...boy band / bubblegum pop e-mail wars... It's kinda like a staring contest, but with really bad lyrics. Today I emerged victorious:

Her: Boy you know it's true...ooh, ooh, ooh...I love you!
Him: Tearin' up my heart....
Her: You got the right stuff...baby. You're the reason why I sing this song.
Him: You're the one that I want. Oooh oooh oooh.
Her: Oh boy I think I love ya -- always thinkin' of ya'. I want ya to know I do it all 4 love.
Him: Ooh I think I love you from head to toe.
Her: I must confess I still believe -- when I'm not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign...
Him: Heh heh ... I'm out. :)
Her: Hey! I didn't even get to New Edition yet! Lah-oooo-ser.
Him: You are just too mighty for me. I couldn't think of any more songs. I bow to you. :)
Her: I take it. I reign supreme!
posted at 04:36 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it

Listening to the teacher rap just ain't my bag
"So...I still pass the class...right? Jihads don't effect your grade on the final do they?"
posted at 02:33 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it

Too Far Down
I feel like I'm back in high school again. My musical selections this week have reflected my mood -- and have largely consisted of The Cure, Squeeze, John Wesley Harding, Elvis Costello, Morrissey/The Smiths, (dark) Depeche Mode, the Lemonheads, and Hüsker Dü:

I'm down again
And I don't know how to tell you
But maybe this time I can't come back
Because I might be too far down

I wish for real
That I could turn it on and off
Like hot and cold and up and down
Because I'm down again

I'm too far down
I couldn't begin to smile
Because I can't even laugh or cry
Because I just can't do it

If it was so easy to be happy
Why am I so down?
All I can do is sit and wonder when it's going to end
Or if I should just go away forever

When I sit and think
I wish that I just could die
Or let someone else be happy
By setting my own self free

And you don't want the emotion
Because the taste it leaves is for real
But nothing's ever real until it's gone
And I might be too far down

And is this just another thrown away
Or is this the end of the whole stupid road
But you wouldn't want to know how I feel anyway
Because the darkest hole is at the end of the road

I'm down again
And I guess I'm not the only one who dreams
That there's not any way to tell you
Because I might be too far down

Lyrics Credit: Hüsker Dü

Still waiting for the day where I wake up feeling like "me" again...please be patient...
posted at 04:24 AM | link--it | mail it | (18) shout it

Right from the start, I gave you my
Obviously a few days late...but the February 2003 "Fifteen Minutes of Fame" is online. I just had to feature her dress one last time.
posted at 12:15 AM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it

Step right up and get your ticket

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.....
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me feel so frightened, so sick, so excited, so scared, so safe, and so thrilled, altogether! Some didn't like it. They wanted to go on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Quote Credit: Parenthood

I was reminded of the above after reading this entry.
posted at 04:43 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it

Beta (writer's) blocker
Just a quick heads-up -- Textpattern Beta 1 is now available for download. (This software was created by the same person who brought us the supah fly Textism referrer script.) This software is a content management system alternative to Movable Type (version 2.62. just released!), Greymatter, pMachine, etc. Check it out if you are so inclined.
posted at 04:12 PM | link--it | mail it | (1) shout it

The most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
I recently bought Todd the Muppets Lab Playset with Beaker. Palisades Toys has the coolest Muppets desktops if you dig around the site a bit. Here are just a few (image 1, image 2, image 3, image 4, image 5, image 6, image 7, image 8)... Future sets include Pigs in Space, the Swedish Chef Kitchen, a Kermit and Miss Piggy wedding cake topper (next to impossible to find other than eBay), and finally Pepe. We might as well sign over any tax refunds now.
posted at 02:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it

Only love.

[you snoozed you losed]

[Click to view the song lyrics]

"You never see the hard times in a photo album, but they're the ones that carry you from one happy snapshot to the next."

Quote Credit: Just Married
posted at 03:29 AM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it

More than words is all you have to do to make it real
I know a lot of people are speechless right now. Please don't feel bad about that, if you just don't know what to say to us. To be perfectly honest, we're speechless, too. I don't know what to tell myself to make it all better, and I certainly don't expect you to have the words that will fix things either. There are always going to be "I think they meant well" comments in any circumstance like this. It's a part of life. And a part of grief. Sometimes the need to say something, anything quickly because you do care can leave you accidentally opening your mouth and the wrong words tumbling out...

I went and looked in Google for a list of things not to say during a miscarriage, and found several lists of them. Maybe this is something to file away for friends and family who might unfortunately go through the very same thing in the future. The following are not my own lists, or my own responses. I just put together several of (what I felt were) the best ones here in one place. And if you've said any of the following, please don't feel badly about it. I've probably mistakenly uttered some of the very same things myself. And these are not "one size fits all", as some of the sayings below have actually brought me comfort. Every couple hears, interprets and feels things differently based on circumstance.

But I think it's universally agreed...the very worst thing to say is nothing at all...or act like nothing has happened. I know I've never felt so alone or isolated in my life, and I have a great support network around me. Many thanks to those who have left comments and/or sent e-mails. I just can't say that enough.

    What not to say to a couple following a miscarriage*:

  1. "Well, nature takes care of her mistakes." The day before, oblivious to any problem they had been excitedly planning their baby's future. They loved it, anticipated it, were excited and thrilled. They imagined their baby, thought up names...looked forward to it. It was never a mistake to to them.

  2. "At least you didn't get to know the baby." That baby was carried inside it's mothers body. How can any relationship be any stronger or more intimate?

  3. "Now you have angel looking after you..." They didn't want an angel - they wanted their child.

  4. "It's for the best." How exactly? Isn't the best a successful, healthy pregnancy?

  5. "You are young you can have other children." This child was a person. It can not be replaced. You would not tell a grieving child, "Don't worry, your mom is young. She'll marry you a new dad." They don't want another baby. They wanted this baby. And you don't necessarily know for sure if they can have another child.

  6. "I know how you feel." If you have never lost a child, you do not know how they feel. Everyone feels their grief uniquely. (Edited by Robyn: I just wanted to say again that I did not write this list. And if you've had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or lost a child yourself, it most certainly does not apply to you. You have our deepest sympathies.)

  7. "You should be over it by now..." It doesn't matter how long it's been. You do not ever just get over it.

  8. "You should be happy it didn't suffer." Of course they didn't want their child to suffer. They wanted a completely healthy and happy child.

  9. "It's nature's way of getting rid of something that was deformed." The couple probably prefers to think of their child in memories as beautiful and perfect, not deformed. That perfect child is the one they are now grieving for in their hearts and minds.

  10. "At least it didn't live a few hours and then die, that would have hurt worse." Maybe they would have loved to have had the opportunity to hear their baby's cry, to see the color of their eyes and hair, and to tell them how much that they loved and wanted them face-to-face.

  11. "You're young, you'll get over it." What does age have to do with pain?

  12. "Good luck to you." The couple is feeling anything but lucky at this moment.

  13. "It could've been worse, it could've happened later." Things can ALWAYS be worse. And later term pregnancy losses are more traumatic in many instances. But this can make them feel as if the loss and sadness are totally dismissed. There's never a good or easy time to lose a child.

  14. "Have you ever thought of not having children?" Yes, they probably have. They realize that they may never be parents now more than ever.

  15. "It was Gods will...God wanted the child with him...God needed another flower in his garden...etc." Such comments can have the effect of making a parent very angry and bitter with God, which may block a possible source of comfort. Religion is very personal.

  16. "God never gives you more than you can bear." Well this seems pretty unbearable at the moment.

  17. "Count your blessings that you didn't have it." They may be finding it hard to find the blessings in anything right now.

  18. "What is God trying to tell you with this?" This implies God killed their baby to teach them a lesson. The couple believes God loved their child as much as He loved them.

  19. "You can try again soon." The furthest thing on most couple's minds right immediately after a miscarriage is the ability to try again. And trying again will not replace the child they lost.

  20. "At least you know you can get pregnant." Well, yes -- this time. But what about in the future? Do you know she will be able to get pregnant again for sure? Her doctors might not.

  21. * Not my own words. Complied via Google searches.

You do not know how I feel --
Please don't tell me that you do.

There's just one way to know --
Have you lost a child too?

"You'll have another child."
Must I hear this each day?

Can I get another mother, too,
If mine should pass a way?

Don't say it was "God's will" --
That is not the God I know.

Would God on purpose break my heart,
Then stand back and watch as my tears flow?

"You have an angel in Heaven --
A precious child above."
But, tell me, to whom here on earth
Shall I give this love?

"Aren't you better yet?"
Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart still aches --
And I'll always feel some pain.

You think silence is kind,
But it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child
Who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me,
although you do mean well.
They don't take my pain away;
For I must go through the hell.

I will get better slow but sure
And it helps to have you near,
But a simple, "I'm sorry you lost your child."
Is all I need to hear.

-Author Unknown

posted at 06:46 PM | link--it | mail it | (75) shout it

How many fates turn around in the overtime
There's a line in a song by Hüsker Dü that goes:

Now I'm hardly getting over it
Hardly getting used to getting by

That's kind of how I feel today. Like I'm not ready to blog again, but it's such a part of my daily routine that I don't know what to do without it. Is that pathetic, or does that mean I'm trying to heal? Or maybe a little bit of both... This is the first day since we got the news that I've woken up without Todd by my side. I think that's the hardest part. Nothing seems "normal" anymore.

This whole thing was such a whirlwind. We didn't even get a full week to be happy about it. We found out the good news on a Wednesday evening, and found out the bad news on a Wednesday afternoon. It's amazing how much your life can turn upside down in the span of just seven short days.

I have a lot of anger over the situation. I've screamed at God for days on end. Why now? Why this way? We'd had just over 18 months to heal, following 18 months of failed surgeries and treatments. (We started "officially trying" in 1998 when we were both 25, but didn't have our first appointment with an infertility specialist until early 2000.) This pregnancy was my one documented case of ovulation in five years time, and I was monitored for it very closely during my 18 months of treatment. But we'd come to terms with the pain. We'd come to terms with the fact I'd never be able to get pregnant. We'd come to terms with the doctors we trusted saying adoption was our only answer. There were some very dark days in the beginning, but we were finally happy again. We'd moved on. Together.

People have taken swipes at me in blog comments recently about living a "charmed life" and always getting what I want. I always rolled my eyes when I read things like that, because people who haven't known me pre-blogging, and people who don't know me in real life, have no fucking idea what my life -- childhood and adulthood -- has been like. For starters, no couple faced with years of infertility would ever describe themselves as "charmed". Is the fact I've lost the two children they said I would never have finally enough for you to end your admitted jealousy of me once and for all? Because this is my life. This is how the story goes. The miracles for everyone else become my curses. Always been like that. Always will be. Yes, I bounce back. And I do it with vigor. I do my best to pick myself up, dust myself off, and smile through the darkness while seeing the glass as half-full -- because I refuse to play the role of the victim for long. Especially when I have my best friend standing right here beside me every day for the rest of our lives. With love like that, it isn't all bad. But just because you weren't around for the ride during the dark days doesn't mean they haven't been on the calendar. So welcome to wherever you are. I suggest helmets and shoulder-restraints. It might be bumpy around these parts for awhile...

The only light in all of this has been my husband, our families and our friends. I couldn't ask for better support. I can't imagine going through anything like this without them. And some of the stories I've read in e-mails and comments since Wednesday have broken my heart all over again. Our own pain pales in comparison to them. I know this. And as much as I'd like to think I didn't need another life lesson -- or more character -- maybe I did. I know the things that were important a couple of weeks ago mean absolutely nothing now. And the things I've taken for granted never will be again. My view of my self -- and my world -- has been permanently altered. I think that just may be a good thing. At least, I hope it is. I don't want to ever believe this much hurt and despair was all in vain.

Well I know we're dying
And there's no sign of a parachute
In this chapel little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
And some elegance
No, we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful
Why does there gotta be a sacrifice?

-Tori Amos, penned after her miscarriage in '96
posted at 02:03 PM | link--it | mail it | (33) shout it

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