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Posted: 02.17.2003 How many fates turn around in the overtime
There's a line in a song by Hüsker Dü that goes:
Now I'm hardly getting over it Hardly getting used to getting by That's kind of how I feel today. Like I'm not ready to blog again, but it's such a part of my daily routine that I don't know what to do without it. Is that pathetic, or does that mean I'm trying to heal? Or maybe a little bit of both... This is the first day since we got the news that I've woken up without Todd by my side. I think that's the hardest part. Nothing seems "normal" anymore. This whole thing was such a whirlwind. We didn't even get a full week to be happy about it. We found out the good news on a Wednesday evening, and found out the bad news on a Wednesday afternoon. It's amazing how much your life can turn upside down in the span of just seven short days. I have a lot of anger over the situation. I've screamed at God for days on end. Why now? Why this way? We'd had just over 18 months to heal, following 18 months of failed surgeries and treatments. (We started "officially trying" in 1998 when we were both 25, but didn't have our first appointment with an infertility specialist until early 2000.) This pregnancy was my one documented case of ovulation in five years time, and I was monitored for it very closely during my 18 months of treatment. But we'd come to terms with the pain. We'd come to terms with the fact I'd never be able to get pregnant. We'd come to terms with the doctors we trusted saying adoption was our only answer. There were some very dark days in the beginning, but we were finally happy again. We'd moved on. Together. People have taken swipes at me in blog comments recently about living a "charmed life" and always getting what I want. I always rolled my eyes when I read things like that, because people who haven't known me pre-blogging, and people who don't know me in real life, have no fucking idea what my life -- childhood and adulthood -- has been like. For starters, no couple faced with years of infertility would ever describe themselves as "charmed". Is the fact I've lost the two children they said I would never have finally enough for you to end your admitted jealousy of me once and for all? Because this is my life. This is how the story goes. The miracles for everyone else become my curses. Always been like that. Always will be. Yes, I bounce back. And I do it with vigor. I do my best to pick myself up, dust myself off, and smile through the darkness while seeing the glass as half-full -- because I refuse to play the role of the victim for long. Especially when I have my best friend standing right here beside me every day for the rest of our lives. With love like that, it isn't all bad. But just because you weren't around for the ride during the dark days doesn't mean they haven't been on the calendar. So welcome to wherever you are. I suggest helmets and shoulder-restraints. It might be bumpy around these parts for awhile... The only light in all of this has been my husband, our families and our friends. I couldn't ask for better support. I can't imagine going through anything like this without them. And some of the stories I've read in e-mails and comments since Wednesday have broken my heart all over again. Our own pain pales in comparison to them. I know this. And as much as I'd like to think I didn't need another life lesson -- or more character -- maybe I did. I know the things that were important a couple of weeks ago mean absolutely nothing now. And the things I've taken for granted never will be again. My view of my self -- and my world -- has been permanently altered. I think that just may be a good thing. At least, I hope it is. I don't want to ever believe this much hurt and despair was all in vain. Well I know we're dying And there's no sign of a parachute In this chapel little chapel of love Can't we get a little grace And some elegance No, we scream in cathedrals Why can't it be beautiful Why does there gotta be a sacrifice? -Tori Amos, penned after her miscarriage in '96  Amazing how life can change so much so fast that it completely turns your perspective around on things. *sigh* As I said the other day, you have both been constantly on my mind - I know how you felt a year and a half ago or even a year ago about all of this. Hang on to one another; I sincerely believe you'll make it through. As for the "routine" things like your blog, let it flow and do what feels right for you. Know that there are a ton of people out here that care about you both and we're sending all the positive vibes your way that we can. ¤ ¤ credit: Christine | 02.17.03 at 02:42 PM | link- -this ¤ ¤ Robyn, My wife and I went through infertility treatments of various kinds for 5 years with no success. It's not something, as you well know, anyone would want to go through. Today, I have a son, 6, and a daughter, 4. once we realized the futility on trying to conceive naturally, we turned to adoption. It was a tough decision at first because it felt like failure. Well that could not be farther from the truth. It became the one sure thing that we could look forward to and know would happen. My wife and I are know blessed with two beautiful and loving children who cam to us from Korea. Looking back and as difficult as it was, there is nothing I would change about the path that got us to where we are today. I wish you well. Steve ¤ ¤ credit: Steve Hall | 02.17.03 at 02:47 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I love you Robyn. You and Todd are an amazing couple, no matter what you've been through. And to anybody who would take this tragedy in your life, and turn it into some kind of evening out of the fates since they think your life is so "charmed"...I say PISS OFF. (Yes, that is my phrase for today.) ¤ ¤ credit: Tracy | 02.17.03 at 02:48 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Steve, I think that's been one of the hardest parts about all of this. We had decided to hold off for 5-7 years, start saving, and then start the path towards adoption. We had come to the acceptance we would never have our own flesh and blood, and were excited at the prospect of adoption when the timing was right. Now we don't know what the "meaning" of all this really is anymore. They said I couldn't and wouldn't get pregnant -- but I did. The rest we're just going to have to hope falls into place and becomes more and more clear with time, I guess... ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 02.17.03 at 02:52 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I love you guys and would give anything right now to be hugging you. My heart breaks for you not that I think that can even help you just had to say it. I'm here for ya........... ¤ ¤ credit: gnome-girl | 02.17.03 at 02:52 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, We have known you and Todd for about 7 years now. We have watched you both grow as a couple and as individuals in good times and in bad. You share and amazing bond with each other & a truly amazing love. "Charmed" you may not be. But through it all I have always believed you both are blessed. Blessed to have the love and support of each other. Blessed to know you can always turn to you best friend and true soul mate whenever you need a laugh or a hug, or someone to just scream at. Blessed to be the amazingly strong and intelligent people you both are. I know this is one of the hardest things you guys have had to go through. But I also know you will come out of it ok, together. Know we are both here for you whenever you need anything, when you are ready. We love you both & you are in our thoughts. Lynn ¤ ¤ credit: Lynn | 02.17.03 at 03:03 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I am so very sorry ... please if you need a shoulder, an ear, or just to let out the anger/frustration/sorrow/emotions let me know ¤ ¤ credit: jewdez | 02.17.03 at 03:04 PM | link--this ¤ ¤do what you feel Robyn, do what is in your heart. you will make the right decision. "Personality is born out of pain. It is the fire shut up in the flint." -J. B. Yeats If you need anything - you know where I am ::HUGS:: ¤ ¤ credit: Ruthie | 02.17.03 at 03:10 PM | link--this ¤ ¤"For starters, no couple faced with years of infertility would ever describe themselves as "charmed"." I would have to agree with this. MonkeyGirl and I are not able to have children because of inferfility issues. She was pregnant for 5 weeks in the summer of 2000. This was a very hard thing for both of us to bear. To this day, I am still bitter about this, and I tend to take it out on other people who parade this children around like a bunch of trophies. I sometimes blame God and ask if I have done something wrong. I didn't want to wait until 30 to start a family, I thought that it would all said and done by now. I guess all good plans are laid to waste. I've been checking your site out the past couple days, waiting for an opportunity to send a message your way. You are not alone on this. The hurt will never go away. There will always be the memory of what could have happened. All we can do is examine the shattered pieces and slowly move on.. Take care Robyn and Todd. Our prayers are with you. -this ¤ ¤I am still just getting to know you Robyn, but felt your pain so close, I lost mine on Feb 5. 8 years ago. It is still with me each year although others have forgotten. I hope you don't think me stupid for sharing this, but I have been wanting to since friday, when I lost mine a friend told me to plant a tree in the memory, it was something that would always grow and someplace I go and reflect, think and remember. I do wish I had done so. -this ¤ ¤I don’t want to sound trite in my comments to you. No one has any of the answers you are seeking…only time can heal your hurt and it may never completely heal, but it will get better down the line. Doctors are human and don’t always have all the answers…they may think they do, but ultimately it is too complicated for them to ever be 100% sure of anything. So if you want to rant and rave...go for it...crying...your call...blogging...if it makes you feel better. Take care and know that I’m thinking of you and I’m saying prayers as well. My faith hasn’t been shaken like yours so, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep saying a prayer and hope you and Todd will continue on the path to healing. And as for the trolls…fuck’em….and delete’em…they are insignificant and you shouldn’t have to bothered. ¤ ¤ credit: daisy | 02.17.03 at 03:22 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I've only been reading this blog for a few weeks and I already feel like I know you Robin. I have been thinking of you and your husband since you you've been going through this. Don't let the trolls and the dirtbags make you feel guilty for enjoying your life. If people are jealous of your ability to dust yourself off and look at life in a positive way, let them.One of the "bad" things about the internet, is that with the free exchange of ideas come stupid ones. You are fortunate to have a spouse you love so strongly. It might not seem like it now, but it will make it easier for you to get through these dark times. I hope you are doing better. C ¤ ¤ credit: Cesar | 02.17.03 at 03:33 PM | link--this ¤ ¤You've been in my thoughts and there you'll stay :-) ¤ ¤ credit: hmw | 02.17.03 at 03:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤As a human, I can understand the pain of the loss of life. Do what you need to do, whatever that may be. Thank your lucky stars that you have been blessed with the people you do have in your life when dealing with those you don’t. Everything happens for a reason. -this ¤ ¤{{head bowed}} silence ¤ ¤ credit: Kevin | 02.17.03 at 04:02 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you and Todd and my heart is with you. *hugs* Take care. ¤ ¤ credit: kat | 02.17.03 at 04:03 PM | link--this ¤ ¤My thoughts are with you and Todd, Robyn... I wish you the best, keep your great attitude and build upon it... take your time returning, we'll all be here for you when you return - with open arms. ¤ ¤ credit: Zaldor | 02.17.03 at 04:13 PM | link--this ¤ ¤{{{{{{Robyn & Todd}}}}}} I don't have anything profound to say, and I know there's nothing any of us can say that will take away your pain. Just know that we are all here for you. I pray that your load will be lightened. ¤ ¤ credit: Sunidesus | 02.17.03 at 04:30 PM | link--this ¤ ¤*Hugs* That's all. ¤ ¤ credit: AntGrad | 02.17.03 at 04:47 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, just do whatever you feel like doing because there isn't any "Getting Through This Shit for Dummies" book out there. If it's singing, shouting, screaming, or sobbing that gets you through the moment, don't feel ashamed to do it. "Those that would judge, would be fools" -this ¤ ¤Robyn, I don't know you at all, but I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find some peace and comfort. ¤ ¤ credit: Heather | 02.17.03 at 05:31 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, just like everyone else, I have no words to give comfort. I don't have the ability to fix or even console the immeasurable pain you must be going through. Just know that you will continue to remain in my thoughts and prayers. {{hugs}} ¤ ¤ credit: GeekGrrl | 02.17.03 at 05:42 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I'm glad to see a post on your journal. I was refreshing it 9347548 times a day. *moment of silence in rememberance of the two beautiful angels* *sending love in Robyn's general direction* ¤ ¤ credit: queen | 02.17.03 at 05:45 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I wish I knew what to say... I have no words of comfort... But I can listen. I can cry with you (as I did when I read that first post). I don't know how helpful it can be, and I know a number of people have already offered their support, but I just want you to know that you need me, you can count on me as well. ¤ ¤ credit: Veshka | 02.17.03 at 05:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤sweet angels up there ¤ ¤ credit: craig | 02.17.03 at 06:15 PM | link--this ¤ ¤damn... *tear* Since I've respected your silence and privacy let me take this moment to extend my condolences to you and Todd. I feel like hugging you, my two friends in their moments of heartache and emptiness (even though we've never met). I do pray and I continue to include you in mine every day. ¤ ¤ credit: KB | 02.17.03 at 06:44 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Nothing I can say will ease your pain - but I will tell you both that you are in my prayers. {{hugs}} ¤ ¤ credit: eve | 02.17.03 at 07:29 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn and Todd, you are in my heart and my thoughts. Be strong. ¤ ¤ credit: Tracey | 02.18.03 at 03:30 AM | link--this ¤ ¤I don't have anything to say that could possibly ease your pain, but if I could, I would take it all away. Robyn, I'm glad you and Todd have each other to get through this. You're both strong people with big hearts, so I know you'll be ok. You've been in my thoughts all week, and will continue to be. Take care :) ¤ ¤ credit: theresa | 02.18.03 at 01:53 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Robyn, I was going to write about how I was sorry for what you went through, etc, etc, but the words just fell away. To be honest, I can never comprehend what you've gone through. All I can really say is that I hope life decides to treat you better and I'm glad you and your husband are pulling through. I know you don't know me, but, if you need to chat feel free to look me up. We bloggers gotta look out for each other, right? ¤ ¤ credit: Jason Stare | 02.18.03 at 03:24 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I just want to say that you and Todd are in my thoughts and prayers...gentle ((hugs)) for you...I haven't been around much for a week, so I had no idea... ¤ ¤ credit: Crystal | 02.19.03 at 03:19 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Oh, Dearest! If I had a magic wand, I'd undo everything for you. I know that we haven't talked a whole lot. As a matter of fact, our only communication involved the Wholly Matrimony site. But you have always been a blast. I've been reading your archives here, and they are some great stuff. Now, I honestly don't know what to say. For someone who's email was always a joy to receive, I don't have anything to write back to you that can make it all better. All I can say is that I'm thinking of, praying and crying for your devistating loss. Please take care. If Blogging takes a rest, then that is just fine. I'll be waiting here for you when you return. *HUGS* ¤ ¤ credit: Kathryn | 02.19.03 at 06:15 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Oh my heart is breaking for you and your husband. :( We've been TTC for about 6 years now... -this ¤ ¤
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