Confidential to the rich bitch at Lowe's
Yes, I realize you are probably a full two income tax brackets ahead of me. But even your fake tan, fake boobs, and fake nails do NOT give you the right to literally shove me out of the way when looking at cabinet knobs in the hardware section. I know, I know...I had the audacity to arrive there first. But you see, I wasn't finished looking yet. Maybe if you'd have stopped and taken a second to say, "Could you please excuse me...but...", I might have taken pity on you. I might have realized with your Prada purse shoved right there in my face, that the world really did stop turning for you when you asked it to. I might have understood that because of the 5-carat rock on your left hand that it was my place in society to step back and give you the time and space you obviously needed. But you didn't ask. You just stepped on in leaving me nowhere to go but back.

I have had a shit day. I have been yelled at. My husband has been yelled at. We are about theeeees close to opening a full can o' whoop-ass on anyone that dares get in our way. You lady, got in the way.

So you go ahead and stand there all shocked and incredulous that I dare say "PARDON ME!" after your brief looky-loo turned into a full five minutes of idle time letting you go ahead and do your thang -- because not only did your little ass take up the bottom two rows of knobs -- your big fucking ego took up the five rows above it. And continue to play dumb that no one has never, ever had the nerve to think the things I thought, much less tell them to you in your face.

But when I said, "Pardon me! But proper etiquette in a store dictates saying 'please excuse me...' before butting in, shoving someone aside, and taking over the whole knob section when the other person was there first." Well I did not need to hear, "But I never touched you...," in return. That's correct. In fact, you did NOT touch me. That's because I had to dive-bomb out of the way because my own determination be damned, you were going to OWN that knob section before the day was through.

Surprisingly enough, even though you were probably convinced otherwise -- you didn't have to wither up and die while being forced to wait your turn either. In fact, I saw you at the checkout just moments after we were being bagged up. You did survive. See? It's not so hard. I'm glad I could do my civic duty in setting you straight for all the other low-lifes that have already been cut down by your titanium card's harsh glare. Even my cashier said, "You go girl!", after hearing the story, and then seeing you herself.

The hormonal floodgates straight to hell have been opened folks. Speak softly and carry a big salt-lick.
posted at 07:12 PM | link-

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Nappy time anyone?
I know weekends are supposed to be lazy anyway -- but when they are rainy and gloomy, it's just impossible to keep your eyes open. I have so much work to do, and I think I'm going to have to sew my eyelids open to my eyebrows in order to make it through. So very, very tired...
posted at 02:16 PM | link-

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Boomer Sooner
"Things that make your husband whine like a little girl for $200, Alex..."
posted at 01:45 AM | link-

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Who has the last laugh now?
Remember the Queen of the Bad Cosmetics Katherine Harris -- the Florida Secretary of State who helped her ol' buddy W. win the election? Well turns out Ms. Versed in Election Law wasn't so well-read when it came to her own national bid.

"The secretary of state admitted she failed to read the elections law, which requires her to step down to seek a federal office. Harris said she made a mistake when she qualified to run for Congress last month by failing to submit a letter of resignation required of all state officeholders seeking federal office.

State law requires all state officials to submit a resignation letter when they qualify to run for federal office. Otherwise they face 'an automatic irrevocable resignation, effective immediately, from the office he or she presently holds'. She said she didn't think the law applied to her because Florida's elected secretary of state post is being abolished in January."

Katherine Harris back-dated her resignation by two weeks because she qualified to run for Congress on July 15th. Now the legality of everything done by the Florida Secretary of State's office during the last two weeks is being called into question -- because technically by the back-dated resignation, we've been acting without a Secretary of State during that two week period. Not only is this opening a pandora's box of legal fury regarding the Secretary of State's office, her opponent in the Congressional race is also discussing the option of a potential lawsuit over Harris' ability to run now, since she failed to follow legal guidelines in announcing her candidacy.

"This is beyond egg on your face," said Richard Scher, a political science professor at the University of Florida. "This is just plain dumb."

Excuse me whilst I pick myself up off the floor in heaps of laughter. (Read the full article at the St. Petersburg Times.)
posted at 06:12 PM | link-

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He passed!
I extend my middle finger in the general direction south, pointing it towards a certain company that shall remain nameless. Because even though they only gave him four days and four nights to prepare -- Todd PASSED his MCSE 2000 today! Everyone bow in the general direction of Mr. Smarty Smart... Congrats babe!
posted at 04:08 PM | link-

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How 'bout this instead?
Yahoo! moved their links around on me. This is the photo you should have seen today:

The caption was: "A two-month-old puppy takes a nap on a bottle of cold water to cool off from the summer heat in Beijing, China Monday, July 29, 2002. (AP Photo/Str)"

And just in case you might be unhappy with your job: "One of the most exclusive grocery stores in the UK needs a new chocolate taster and will pay 35,000 pounds a year for the successful candidate. Fortnum & Mason is looking for a chocolate buyer to travel the world, taste as much chocolate as possible and select only the best for its discerning customers. REUTERS/Kimberly White"
posted at 02:43 PM | link-

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It's Friday - I'm in love
Mindless surfing to shut my brain down before bed...

You know there isn't much hope for the rest of us if Maxim thinks they have to digitally trim down Beyoncé Knowles derrière for the cover. I told Todd just last week that if I somehow inherited a few billion dollars, I would buy up every publication I could get my hands on and forbid anyone to ever airbrush away pounds and cellulite on a celebrity again.
First seen at wKen's and now on MSNBC.com -- Anna Nicole Smith appeared on the Howard Stern show where he gave her a brief lesson on world politics and tensions in the Mideast. When told about suicide bombers, she asked, “Doesn’t that hurt?” Ya' think?
It's not just us. Even Angelina Jolie's dad Jon Voight thinks she's gone all insane in the membrane.
What do you want on your Tombstone? How about motor oil and brake fluid!
And just because it's Friday, a couple of "rate my's" that aren't safe for work (one, two). What will they think of next? Wait. Forget I asked that...

Happy (almost) weekend everyone! Look at the cute l'il puppy...
posted at 04:10 AM | link-

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Deep thoughts...by Robyn Pollman
Has a really good rainstorm ever just made you start crying for no reason at all? Almost like a soul-cleansing of sorts, right along with Mother Nature...
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Blondes have more fun
The August 2002 Wedding Dress of the Month is now online!
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excess bloggage
Before everyone begins to panic -- nothing bad has happened to Todd. However, where he works is now monitoring everyone's tracks, and he wants his material off the "open web" ASAP. So please e-mail one of us if you'd like in. Thanks!
posted at 06:03 PM | link-

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Their A&R man said 'I don't hear a single'
Take that RIAA! I was just getting ready to blog this story and saw it mentioned here, too...

I've long been a fan of the group Wilco. I saw them in a small club setting when I lived in Mobile back in the summer of '95. The cool thing then was to get a Wilco gas station lighter from the tour. An excellent new article on CNN documents the making of their latest album:

"Before the [Yankee Hotel Foxtrot] album's release, Wilco acted contrary to music business wisdom by making the album available to fans for free on its Web site. Ultimately, it seems those fans -- and more -- also bought the disc when it became available.

'It hurt when they [Reprise Records] said they didn't like our record,' [band leader Jeff] Tweedy said. 'But we went out on tour and nobody canceled our shows. Our tour was basically sold out. People came to the shows and sang all of the songs, and not one of them had to pay a penny for it. That felt good, actually.'"

Many of you will recall a similar fight Weezer faced with their record company over the release of Maladroit this spring. Ultimately, Rivers Cuomo won the right to put tracks from Maladroit -- and any past, present or future release -- on the weezer.com site for download. Has this hurt the band? Obviously not.

I'm sorry, but record companies and the RIAA have a long way to go to prove to me that they are fighting fair and in the artists' best interests. These are two very big instances where they were dead-wrong and were going against their bands' own wishes. (Read the full article at CNN.com.)
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Express yourself - don't tell me what I cannot do, baby
So I'm ok with the fact no one has voted for our chestesses in the new Boobie Blog. No really. I'll be fine. I have these comments from their original posting to console me. I may not give you any more pics in the future as punishment. But don't you worry about me...

And can someone please let me know when it suddenly became AUGUST?! Hello??? Pleasant hooters...
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Let them eat cake!
The best part about "Today Throws a Wedding" -- it's time to pick the cake. I wish we got to do a taste-test first! Based on the wedding colors and flowers, I'm going with choice #1 (although that chocolate cake looks divine).
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Just might be the next best thing but not quite me

Finally something I didn't have to lose to Wil Wheaton over. I know this may shock some of you, but I've won the July 2002 Bloggy Award for "Most Posts".

I'd like to thank the Academy. And my third grade teacher, Mrs. Botkin. Conjunction Junction was my function. And my hairdresser for always helping me find the true me behind the dye. And the waitress we had at Bennigan's the other night. I never had to ask for a refill. Not even once. And my dance instructor for convincing my mom those stomach aches weren't actually 'real', and suggesting soccer instead. Oh yeah, and my husband. Sorry honey! *waves* And that guy who dashed in front of us at Target the other night to beat us to the check-out. If it weren't for him, I might never have discovered those cute flip-flops. Totally changed my life. Where was I? Am I out of time yet? Blondie for letting me know when the tide is high, it's time to move on. But I'm gonna be your number one. Ben & Jerry for all of the emotional support in times of crisis. Oh no. There's the music... Thank you. Thank you all!
posted at 01:24 AM | link-

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If I can't have everything well then just give me a taste
Ok, there will be absolutely no more feeling sorry for myself this week! We went out for dinner at Taco Bell tonight because I'm juggling three designs at once and Todd is studying for an MCSE 2000 exam on Friday (he already has an MCSE but his company is forcing everyone to upgrade). Neither one of us wanted to cook so we took a break. On the way home we stopped by our P.O. Box because I knew something was on the way. Turns out, it was a big envelope stuffed with these from Toren for work on his site. (Toren did the translations on these.) Todd was positively giddy as I opened them all.

Then I opened an envelope from drugstore.com. I screamed so loud in the car, a woman walking to her car next to ours jumped. There was a check for over FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. That was commission on stuff I'd sold through my site. Now mind you, in over four years I've never made more than $125 a quarter -- and that was at Christmas. So to whoever bought 21 of these, I salute you (and your baby-soft legs)!

You may remember that this past weekend, our TV bit it. We've been having that ages-old battle of the sexes disagreement of electronics lust vs. checkbook balance ever since. Which leads me to...were we responsible late-20-somethings tonight that decided to put that check right into savings? Hell no. I handed Todd the gift from the heavens above, and said, "Get whatever you want. This is your limit. I'm out." We drove to Circuit City, and 30 minutes later, back home again with a 27" flat-screen Sony Wega. We only owed the taxes on it. Granted, now we have to get a new entertainment center this weekend because the case on this is bigger than the case on our old set, and by a few centimeters we are screwed. But that's not important. He's happy -- so I'm happy. Here are a few pics of the TV (and the futon since mom yelled at me for not having any):

So there you have it. Now back to work... It was nice knowing ya'll!
posted at 10:53 PM | link-

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Desperately seeking Sonic

This is in our county! This is not (and is almost an hour away) -- but the article states, "Sonic Drive-In and its franchisees plan to build as many as 60 of the nostalgic drive-in hamburger restaurants in the greater Tampa Bay region."

I am seriously about to throw a Cartman-sized hissy fit right now. "Buuuuuut mommmm -- I waaaaant a chili cheese coneeeeey and cherry li--iii--iime-aaade." We've been patient and good little Oklahomans (where the drive-in chain originated and is headquartered) for five years now. I'm tired of driving to Orlando and Ocala.

I want my own Sonic noooooow dammit!
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We'll have a good time baby don't you worry
I never, ever expect anything in return when I help friends out with their sites -- but being surprised out of the blue ROCKS. Joy sent me a big ol' Amazon gift certificate today and I got to go wild. I bought this, and this, and these. I'm so 'cited. Thank you, Joy!!!
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Have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes
We are so screwed. All those times we broke Claire's bones in half when we got to the bottom of the bag because we didn't make it to the store on time... Turns out, she knows!

"...Dogs also know when they are being short-changed on treats because they have a basic mathematical ability which enables them to tell when one pile of objects is bigger than another..."

Read the full "Dogs are smarter than people think" article at CNN.
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Tilt your head back - let's finish the cup
And now a bit of "Wacky Wednesday" news of the weird...

"I want my blood back before you put a curse on me!" Holy crap, they were freaks.
Now you, too, can smell like Celine...but dear lord why?
As if we didn't have enough Crisco junkies in this country already -- now you can get fried Twinkies. I expect to see them on a stick at Disney World soon.
Syracuse University now offers a "Football 101" course for women. Hey baby, in this household I'm the one who came into the marriage as the football fan, mmmk? Soooomebody else *cough*Todd*cough* favored cycling back then.
Now you can get married by a real-life ZZ Top guitarist. Billy Gibbons has become an ordained minister, and can now perform weddings in 49 states.

And just because I care...from FARK.com...a list of known speed-traps across the United States.
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Glorious wastings of my time
Matt just sent me his ne=w=est skin design. Of course it gets my "you go bay-beee" seal of approval! (This ad brought to you by the "Rivers Cuomo With a Side of Mashed Taters and Punkin' Pie Foundation".)
posted at 02:15 AM | link-

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Happiness is...
...the first day of ripping into a really big new bag of gummi bears. When you can dig right past the icky yellow and green ones and go straight to the red and white without much effort. No psychoanalyzing needed as to why those are my favorite flavors. Cherry and pineapple merely rule. Thirty-one days left!
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Calling all code gurus
Last night, I updated MT 2.21 to the mySQL database option (using Kristine's most excellent tutorial). Upgrade was a snap and all went well.

Then I went to use MT Search on my site today and got a huge error message. No problem. Christine sent me a quick fix from the Scripty Goddesses. Only there was a problem. Suddenly MT Search worked again, but the search results were blank.

I was literally ripping my hair out trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. I even reinstalled MT Search all over again and got the same error. Then Kristine installed MT Search on The Red Kitchen to try and test things out on her end since we're on the same server. She now has the same problem I do. An MT blog with a mySQL database and blank search returns -- even after the MT Search "fix" is put into place. She's outlined the problem on the MT Support Forums if anyone wants to look it over. Thanks in advance if you can help!

UPDATE: Jennifer was able to help me fix it! I had the search.pm file for the version off the MT Search website . She had the search.pm file for 1.3b. Updated that file and it worked like a charm. THANK YOU Jennifer! And thanks for all of your help, too, Kristine!
posted at 05:29 PM | link-

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I'd like to turn off time and kill my mind
Remember no matter how tough things got in kindergarten, you had that little blue mat to spread out on and hear a really cool story from the teacher just before you drifted off to dreamland and recharged your batteries... Anyone got a 5'10" long little blue mat and a copy of "Where the Wild Things Are" handy?
posted at 04:56 PM | link-

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But if you lose, the devil gets your soul
Ok, when you see the headline "Heaven-or-hell argument ends with shotgun slaying", you can't help but be drawn in like a bad train-wreck. Oh wait, my bad. That story is here. Where was I? Oh yeah. Two guesses where this latest little fracas occured <dramatic pause>... That's right -- ~~my favorite state in the Union~~ -- Texas. And even better still, it was in GODLEY, TEXAS. This stuff just really writes itself, doesn't it? Stay with me here...

Johnson County Sheriff Bob Alford said a witness who was the designated driver for the group told police the four men were sitting at a table outside a trailer park after their night on the town and began arguing about religion.

The talk became heated when the subject turned to who would go to heaven and who would go to hell.

Stoker said he would settle the argument and went into a house and returned with a shotgun, which he loaded and placed in his mouth, Alford said the witness reported.

"The victim Joslin then took the gun out of Stoker's mouth, saying, 'If you have to shoot somebody, shoot me,"' Alford said, citing the witness report.

The shotgun went off, hitting Joslin in the chest and killing him.

No official word yet as to whether or not Joslin ended up at the Pearly Gates, or two-steppin' for all eternity in a pit of hot lava. (Read the full article at CNN.com.)
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We'll hitch-hike, bus, or yellow cab it
Joy went and bought herself the perfect new domain for "Happily Ever Laughter" -- so update your Blogrolls again!
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Third verse, same as the first!
Here's a great link stolen from my Destination Weddings & Eloping Forum -- VerseIt.com. They have tons of wording suggestions for things like thank you's, wedding invites, wedding announcements, baby announcements, holiday invites and more. You just pick the category, at the next prompt select the occasion, and voila! They even offer tips on how to pretty-up the announcements and invites once they're worded -- and how to address the envelopes and when to mail them.
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Once upon a dream
WM! has a new advertiser -- "Buy the Book!": The Ultimate Unofficial Guide to Tying the Knot or Renewing Your Vows at Walt Disney World. So if you know someone planning a Disney wedding, or happen to be planning one yourself, check it out. (A full table of contents is located here.)
posted at 08:41 PM | link-

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Double trouble
Ok, today was really crappy until I saw this photo. Now I can be a proud auntie and show off Victoria and Maggie! All better now!

posted at 08:23 PM | link-

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Sounds like somebody's gotta case of the Mondays

So this is how my Monday is going thus far thanks to the lovely folks at Microsoft... And you?
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I blog therefore I am
Just in case you haven't stumbled across Blogroots before, stop by and check it out! More excellent links relating to blogging than you can shake a mouse at.
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Now let me see you shake your rump like a rump shaker
Damn, people really will believe anything, won't they?

"Blind German psychic Ulf Buck claims that people's backsides display lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny."

Personally, I prefer to control someone's destiny with the palm of my hand... <insert rimshot here>

UPDATE: Susan says it much better than I ever could!
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I got a lust for life - ooooh
Well this should be interesting... Senator John McCain has signed on to guest host on the upcoming new Saturday Night Live season. He'll appear on the October 12th episode, the second in the SNL season. No word who will get the Dubbya role yet now that Will Ferrell is gone. (Article from MSNBC.com, "SNL beats the Bush".)
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Little pink houses for you and me
Christine followed the new trend of boredom = new domain and went and got herself fancy new digs at Big Pink Cookie. Update those links and Blogrolls -- and congrats on the new domain Christine!
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Another one bytes the dust
Finished up my latest creation, DB's Medical Rants, just a bit ago. Not a second too soon, either. It's been one helluva expensive night. We bought a new futon for the computer room for upcoming houseguests -- only to get it assembled and see our living room 27" TV (wedding present) have its picture reduced to about 4" in height. So guess what we get to do tomorrow... I really think you should be able to register for wedding gifts every five years. The old shit just wears out too fast these days. So anyhoo, stop by DB's new digs, won't ya'? And hire me for crimeny's sake. Momma needs a new pair of shoes...and OU season tickets...
posted at 04:29 AM | link-

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