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Posted: 05.25.2003
In the sun, in the sun I feel as one

[kevin smith]

It's a message you never expect on your voicemail after a day at the beach. "Hi, this is Kevin Smith's sister. Can you please give me a call as soon as you get this message?" Especially considering you haven't seen her since she was in grade school, and she's now a grown woman who barely even remembers you. The pit of your stomach sinks as you know it's not good. It can't be good. So you call a good friend close to home to see if they've heard anything. They haven't. And then you open your e-mail and immediately see the name of another good friend with the words, "Call me please." You know it's officially bad. Your fingers can't even tremble out the right numbers. It takes you three tries to dial. And it is bad. Then the phonecalls begin so you can pass along the news "in person", too...

A boyfriend of mine in college, and still someone I consider a very good friend, committed suicide this weekend. I believe he would have been 29 this fall. We talked as grown-apart couples and friends who are married (he, since divorced) do. Here and there. On occasion. E-mailing for several hours straight. Then not again for weeks. I honestly can't remember if I talked to Kevin this year. I can't remember a lot from this year to be honest. I know we talked at the end of last year. I know things were going well for him. He'd had a really tough time with his divorce and the death of his father, but he'd done very well for himself. He graduated near the top of his class at UT's law school and was working for a very prestigious firm in Pennsylvania. At the time, he had a new girlfriend and they had just moved in together. We talked a lot about football, and about how happy we were the Sooners were doing well. He had a new replica of Memorial Stadium he had with him at all times on game day. I had my lucky t-shirts.

Apparently he had just moved back to Texas within the last few weeks, and that's where it grows hazy for those of us close to him. He had started a new job with his firm, and was apparently seeing the girl he'd been engaged to before he dated me. We understand he'd been in touch with several people he'd been estranged with recently. I wasn't one of them.

But then again, we weren't estranged. I had seen him fairly recently. He was down here a few summers ago and we spent the afternoon together goofing off and catching up on old times. We had lunch with Todd. And then he was gone. I had no idea that would be the last time I'd see him. My name and number were on a note he left to his sister so I'd be notified. How do I come to terms with being on a list like that?

To be honest, I have no idea how this is effecting me yet. I've tried to cry, but the tears just stay there welled up like they can't fall. I'm in shock. Not in shock that this is actually something he did, because I dated him for a long time. I was friends with him even longer. I loved him. I knew him. We had fought about suicide when Kurt Cobain took his life. It was a wicked fight. (We had a lot of those, anyone who knew us well can attest to -- they were the basis of our relationship it seemed at times. But the bigger the fight, the deeper the friendship.) I knew how he felt about suicide. And I remember telling him at the time if he ever did that to me I would bring him back and kill him again for even trying it. But I just never dreamed...

Now I will spend the rest of my life wondering "what if". What if I'd fought a little harder with him in college to stay here with us. What if I had put my own pain aside this year and tried to find out that he had his own. What if my e-mails hadn't went unreturned the last three weeks. (Our dorm in college, where Todd also lived, has a new message board online and we're planning a reunion next year. I couldn't understand why he wasn't over there with us joining in on the fun. I was trying to get his attention and find out what he'd been up to.) What if. And why?

I miss him. And now I have to live with the fact I always will. All alone is all we are...

I know a lot of my friends from college read here from time to time. We're going to send a group arrangement from the Honors Dorm to the funeral home. The services are this coming Wednesday if you'd like more details. Please feel free to leave messages to his family in the comments and I'll make sure they're passed along, and if you'd like your name on the arrangement, just let me know. -Robyn

Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...

My thoughts are with you and Kevin's family, Robyn. Sounds trite, but it's sincere.

¤ ¤ credit: Jenni | 05.25.03 at 10:49 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I am so, so sorry Robyn.

¤ ¤ credit: Colleen | 05.25.03 at 10:53 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry Robyn... I know how you feel...we send our thoughts and prayers with you and the family....

¤ ¤ credit: Heather | 05.25.03 at 11:02 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

¤ ¤ credit: Zuly | 05.25.03 at 11:25 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, my thoughts and prayers are with you...

¤ ¤ credit: BJ | 05.25.03 at 11:31 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you all.

¤ ¤ credit: Sunidesus | 05.25.03 at 11:34 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

i dont have the right words for this.


¤ ¤ credit: Ruthie | 05.25.03 at 11:34 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, all of you... I'm so sorry.

¤ ¤ credit: Hey Lisa | 05.26.03 at 12:05 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Its a terrible feeling losing a friend. I'm truly sorry you lost one today.

¤ ¤ credit: Camille | 05.26.03 at 12:19 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, I'm so sorry!! What horrible news.

¤ ¤ credit: Laura | 05.26.03 at 12:20 AM | link--this ¤ ¤


¤ ¤ credit: -e- | 05.26.03 at 12:20 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

thinking of you...

don't do the "what if's", honey... it doesn't fix anything and it'll break your heart over and over again. it's almost impossible to change someone's mind when they've made it up...

remember him well.

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden."
Claudia Grandi

¤ ¤ credit: ratty | 05.26.03 at 12:23 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

You and everyone involved are in my thoughts.

¤ ¤ credit: jay | 05.26.03 at 12:29 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

my thoughts are with you and those involved.

i went through something similar many years ago...and there are no words for it.

¤ ¤ credit: lor | 05.26.03 at 12:31 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

As the daughter of a dad who died of suicide, the 'what if's' will be there forever, please try not to let those get to you. Think of his happier times and the laughter you two shared.

¤ ¤ credit: susan | 05.26.03 at 12:48 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

My thoughts are with you and his family.

¤ ¤ credit: Lisa, Gal of Unix | 05.26.03 at 12:50 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry, Robyn.

¤ ¤ credit: Kymberlie R. McGuire | 05.26.03 at 01:17 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Sincere condolences from another one who knows how it feels... June 13th will be the 3 year anniversary since I lost a lifelong friend to an incomprehensible end. I second ratty & susan's sentiments. Remember the positive things but don't be afraid to mourn his absence and always remember, no benefit will come from burdening yourself with contemplating whether you could have changed the outcome.
All the best,

¤ ¤ credit: Maria | 05.26.03 at 01:59 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I am so sorry Robyn. (((hugs)))
My thoughts are with you and Kevin's family.

¤ ¤ credit: Nancy | 05.26.03 at 02:03 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

You're in my thoughts and prayers...

¤ ¤ credit: Dyanna | 05.26.03 at 02:13 AM | link--this ¤ ¤


¤ ¤ credit: mikey | 05.26.03 at 02:41 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so very sorry Robyn...

¤ ¤ credit: lynn | 05.26.03 at 03:50 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry. There are no words.

¤ ¤ credit: Christine | 05.26.03 at 03:59 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. My heart goes out to his family, that they find peace with his choice and not beat themselves up that they could have "done" something.

That happened to a friend of mine, and the sagest thing someone said was "who are we to know why and how god brings his children home?"

May your friend's spirit soar. Listen for him in the windchimes, in the birds. He is there.

¤ ¤ credit: Rori | 05.26.03 at 08:32 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Rori said it better than I can.

¤ ¤ credit: Quinn MacDonald | 05.26.03 at 09:40 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Our thoughts are with you and his family. So sorry, Robyn.

¤ ¤ credit: Buzz | 05.26.03 at 10:27 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Todd and everyone from the Honors Dorm. I'm so sorry Robyn.

¤ ¤ credit: Sara | 05.26.03 at 10:44 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

so young. god...:(

i'm so sorry Robyn. And please don't think "what if" you shouldn't have guilt for any of this.

my prayers are with his family right now.


¤ ¤ credit: stacey | 05.26.03 at 10:50 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm going to come out of 'lurkdom' sp? for this one.
On December 27th 1999 my father suicided, he was 45 years old. It was right after Christmas and he was having a rough time with life, he had broke up with his long time girlfriend and he was generally down. He argued with his mother on Christmas day and ended up spending it alone. For the past 3+ years I have grappled with the what if's. If I would have done this or that, etc.. It was especially hard for me because Christmas Eve I passed by his house on my way back home a 3 hour drive away, and I didn't stop. I use to berate myself every day for not stopping.. I know now that nothing I could have said or done would have stopped my Dad from doing what he did. It still hurts like hell, I have dreams and I don't understand how a person could get that low. But then we don't really know what goes on inside of another's head. While some of us air our feelings some of us don't. It's hard now and it will be hard for you for a long time, but you've got to keep telling yourself that there was nothing you could have done. It's not your fault. Chin up sweetie, trust me things will get better just remember the good times and if you feel like laughing, crying, screaming or all of them do it. Go for a drive and 'let it all out'. My thoughts are with you and yours.

¤ ¤ credit: Theresa | 05.26.03 at 11:31 AM | link--this ¤ ¤



If you need them, use them. I'm here. *hug*

¤ ¤ credit: Mike | 05.26.03 at 12:30 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

*hugs* I'm so sorry Robyn.

¤ ¤ credit: Kathy | 05.26.03 at 12:47 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Once again I do not have the words I long for to offer you comfort at this time. I do however send up a silent prayer for you, your family, and for him, and his family.

¤ ¤ credit: ginadapooh | 05.26.03 at 01:28 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Late reading, late responding, but my sentiments are the same as all the above.

Doing the what if's means you wish to possibly change something that Kevin thought was special enough to include you on what was probably the most exclusive list he ever put together. Take comfort knowing that although he had a pretty stupid way of showing it, he cared. I sincerely hope that something comes along to lighten your heart soon.

¤ ¤ credit: a different Bill | 05.26.03 at 01:32 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
-Joseph Roux

¤ ¤ credit: Ruthie | 05.26.03 at 04:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm sorry.

¤ ¤ credit: Jessica Parker | 05.26.03 at 05:57 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Those are all great pictures of him, goofy, serious, and well, just Kevin. Know what? The one thing I'll always remember of him is the time the four of us, you, him, me and ben left norman and drove to tulsa to look at christmas lights at about midnight. I remember you two talking about the lyrics for "kiss off." I guess we spent a lot of nights staying up talking with the gang. And of all of them, I wouldn't expect it to be him (know who I"m thinking of?) Of course, like you said, it's not a big shock. But still...

¤ ¤ credit: jana | 05.26.03 at 10:30 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I was telling Todd about that late-night road trip last night as a matter of fact. Hands down, one of the best nights I had in college...

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 05.26.03 at 10:36 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry Robyn (sorry this is late too)... my heart and prayers are with you and Kevin's family. May you all find peace and understanding to help you through the pain... *hugs*

¤ ¤ credit: Angel | 05.27.03 at 12:29 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Wow. I'm so sorry. :(

¤ ¤ credit: nastybastard | 05.27.03 at 01:40 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

oh, Robyn...i'm sorry. i am so sorry. (((hugs)))

¤ ¤ credit: bran | 05.27.03 at 10:20 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Well, I'm a little late with an I'm sorry for your loss, but I truly am. Suicides always leave a "what if" scenario for everyone involved. A friend's brother comitted suicide not too long ago and it looked as though he knew he had made a mistake, but couldn't get to the phone in time to save himself. No one expects it to happen ever, but sometimes it's too overwhelming I guess. Anyway, just wanted to say sorry for your loss and my thoughts go out to the family and yourself.

¤ ¤ credit: Smurfette | 05.27.03 at 11:14 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I'm so sorry to hear about this and will be thinking and praying for his family and all that know and love him.

¤ ¤ credit: Shawn | 05.27.03 at 11:35 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I am so sorry Robyn. My deepest condolences go out to his family and to you. Keeping you all in our thoughts. *long tight hugs*

¤ ¤ credit: munin | 05.27.03 at 06:25 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I can sympathise with how you feel Robyn.

My mother committed suicide when I was 16. I am now 33, and not a day has gone by when I haven't thought "what if...". What if I had behaved better, what if I had done this, said that...maybe it would not have happened....

I think that if a lot of people who had committed suicide had known or could somehow see what an effect it would have on their loved ones and friends then they would not do it...

But I guess that they had gotten to such a level of depression that they had convinced themselves 100% that nobody cares about them or loves them...

This doesnt make sense, I know, but there is no comfort blanket, you just gotta get by as best you can, and be thankful for the good times.


¤ ¤ credit: Dannyboy | 05.30.03 at 06:22 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

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