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Posted: 05.19.2003 Take it from me, parents just don't understand
We were just snackin' on some yummy watermelon, and I reminded Todd not to eat the seeds because they'd grow inside. So we started comparing parental stories you were told as children just to mess with your head, because your parents could do so and get away with it... Todd will comment his here in a bit -- it's a great one. One of mine was that rabbits laid eggs because of the Cadbury egg commercial. Bwok bwok bwok bwok. I actually asked my teacher if they did outloud in science class (and still won the science award that year). It took me a long time to live that one down.
Got any good ones of your own -- either from your parents, or that you've passed down to your kids? Typical Santa, Easter Bunny, and Toof'fairy stories need not apply (unless they're really good)...  My parental lie was deep and troubling. I wasn't a horrible kid, but I wasn't exactly an angel, either. I had rough moments. ;) To keep me in line, I suppose, throughout my childhood, I had an "Uncle Fred and Aunt Alice" that lived in New York and who the stories told were a hateful couple that loved to torture children. I don't remember when it started, or where my parents got the idea, but if I was ever bad, I would be threatened with being sent to live with Fred and Alice. Absolute hell. I was utterly convinced they were real and my parents used fake phone calls to back it up. As the years passed, I caught on to their little game, and didn't really believe in Fred and Alice until one Christmas when I was 11 or 12 (years after it quit working on me), a Christmas card from Fred and Alice showed up, with an authentic hand cancelled envelope from Manhattan. That threw me for a loop for years until my parents broke down and admitted that they had a friend of theirs in NYC send it. The lie was years in the keeping and so thorough that Rob and I plan on using it on our own kids. :D ¤ ¤ credit: todd | 05.19.03 at 08:55 PM | link- -this ¤ ¤ that was a cruel lie! My kids were playing at in the sandbox at the playground. They were playing with the sand bees and I kept telling them to stop because they were going to get stung. They refused to listen, so I told them "fiiiine, don't listen to me, but I want you to know bees remember your smell and they don't forget it and they will hunt you down and attack you when you least expect it." They turned white and were watching their back for days. I also told them trees come to life at night because they wouldn't stop tearing branches off, but that's a looooong story. ¤ ¤ credit: yvonne | 05.19.03 at 09:03 PM | link--this ¤ ¤my dad had a weird thing about sitting on concrete. Whenever I'd be in the garage doing cheer banners (you're with me on this one, I know you are, rob) and I'd be sitting on the cold hard concrete floor, inevitably he'd say, "Put down a cushion, you'll get hemmrhoids!" Hemmrhoids. I was 16. Give me a break. ¤ ¤ credit: Joelle | 05.19.03 at 09:13 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I feel like I spelled hemmrhoids wrong. Just goes to show it's not one of those words I type a lot. lol. ¤ ¤ credit: Joelle | 05.19.03 at 09:13 PM | link--this ¤ ¤My parents used to tell me that if I was bad, Peter Pan was going to take me away to the North Star to do Spring Cleaning for the rest of my life. To this day, I clean like a madman. My wife, she'll never understand the "real" reason why. ¤ ¤ credit: John | 05.19.03 at 09:16 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Holy shit -- I'm using the 'roids one for the rest of my life now! Too funny! ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 05.19.03 at 09:16 PM | link--this ¤ ¤My mother used to tell me that if I pushed my belly button in, that my ass would fall off. I dunno, maybe I played with my belly button a lot. The mother of all stories though, was one that my aunt (which was totally atypical of her since she's devout catholic and pretty goody goody)told to my youngest cousin when she was about 5 or 6. She told my cousin that when she turned 7, that she'd turn into a little black boy. My cousin would cry and cry, and the other kids got in on the action. She finally turned to the youngest boy and said, "wait a minute, why didn't you turn into a little black girl when you turned 7?" My cousin said, I was born a little black girl, and turned into me when I was seven. You're the only one that was screwed up. We still tell her that to this day. ¤ ¤ credit: statia | 05.19.03 at 09:21 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I lived in lots of homes growing up, so there were tons of stories to keep me in line. There was the watermelon one that Robyn mentioned. And "Don't make faces. It'll freeze that way." I always wear white socks because in one of the places I lived, the people believed that colored socks caused CANCER. (I know, like wtf?) But the one that sticks in my memory the most...I was staying with relatives in a small Texas town. And they would have someone crawl up in the attic. Then they'd tell me there was a HUGE cricket in the attic, and his name was George. And that if I was bad, he'd come down while I was sleeping and bite my toes off. :-O Then the person in the attic would make noises. And they'd be like "See? George is listening. And he's hungry..." Gah... My poor childhood mind believed it all :-x ¤ ¤ credit: Tina | 05.19.03 at 09:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I hate to break it to you guys, but you CAN get hemmeroids from sitting for long periods of time on hard concrete. Check out this link: That's not a myth. ¤ ¤ credit: Maria | 05.19.03 at 09:41 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Okay, I can't spell either: Hemorrhoids* ew ¤ ¤ credit: Maria | 05.19.03 at 09:42 PM | link--this ¤ ¤So my parents never told me a big lie like that but my best friend when I was 7 told me that if I didn't wear a metal clamp or at the very least a heavy scarf around my neck every night while I slept that I would be bitten by vampires. I was really and truly petrified by that. I had vampire nightmares for a long time until my dad was able to convince me that they didn't exist. ¤ ¤ credit: Maria | 05.19.03 at 09:46 PM | link--this ¤ ¤The 'roids one was used in our house too, along with 'don't swim for 30 minutes after eating or you'll sink'. My parents weren't particularly cruel or nasty. I was a good kid (as opposed to being a bad girl now!) ¤ ¤ credit: Jessica Parker | 05.19.03 at 09:46 PM | link--this ¤ ¤And thus the entry takes an unsuspected turn... ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 05.19.03 at 09:49 PM | link--this ¤ ¤my grandmother used to tell me that if i swallowed a needle it would travel down to my foot. i never asked her why someone would be so dumb as to swallow a needle in the first place. ¤ ¤ credit: cindy | 05.19.03 at 10:14 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I don't know why...she swallowed a fly... I guess she'll die. ¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 05.19.03 at 10:16 PM | link--this ¤ ¤When I asked how the light turned on in the refrigerator, my dad told me there was a little man in there who turned it on. There was apparently a whole race of little men who turned lights on, because that's the answer I got when I wanted to know how the street lights turned on when it got dark. He told me they lived in the boxes where the fire alarms were. He also told me that the fur collar on his leather jacket was from the "elusive snipe", which made it very, very rare. Which of course brought out the whole story of going snipe hunting as a kid and blah, blah, blah. Is it *really* any wonder I have a chronic illness that they theorize can come from trauma? ;) ¤ ¤ credit: Zuly | 05.19.03 at 10:35 PM | link--this ¤ ¤My parents didn't really do that stuff to us. Oh wait, there is that one story my parents made up about a supernatural being that watched everything that we did and that if we did bad stuff we'd go some place after we died and burn in flames for eternity. Parents are fucking cruel. -this ¤ ¤My ex-mother-in-law used to tell baby boy that he would get skin cancer if he didn't make his bed every morning. He was actually dumb enough to believe her! LOL!!! ¤ ¤ credit: christine m. | 05.19.03 at 10:50 PM | link--this ¤ ¤We used to have these little Christmas elf decorations. They were like little happy toy elf dolls with wreaths that my mother used to put out at Christmas. My parents told us that they had cameras and recording devices in them that were wired straight to Santa at the North Pole. So even if they weren't watching us, Santa always was. This was way before mini cameras and wireless devices, so I guess they were just ahead of their time! ¤ ¤ credit: Solonor | 05.19.03 at 11:04 PM | link--this ¤ ¤We always heard the watermelon seed one; same with apple seeds. And Tina's one about your face freezing if you made faces. Same thing as Zuly about the man in the fridge that turns on the light. :) One that I remember vaguely - when we'd pout and stick our lower lips out, my parents would say "if you stick that lip out, a roosters gonna land on it." I don't know why or where that idea came from. Maybe there's more to it that I don't remember!! LOL! ¤ ¤ credit: kristine | 05.19.03 at 11:48 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Good ones so far! You guys will enjoy the site I Used to Believe, which is a big ol' database of childhood beliefs. good stuff, like: "I believed that one was born with a perfect sphere of booger-material at the top of each nostril. Each nose-picking whittled away at these spheres. I don't remember whether or not I thought these spheres served any purpose, but I recall lying on the floor at nap-time in pre-school with my finger up my nose thinking I'd have to pace myself if I wanted any left when I became an adult" LOL... comedy gold. ¤ ¤ credit: courtney | 05.20.03 at 12:59 AM | link--this ¤ ¤My grandma told me I could not open the umbrella inside the house because snakes would fall out of it....Now the question is, why would I want to open the umbrella inside the house? ¤ ¤ credit: beardog | 05.20.03 at 09:19 AM | link--this ¤ ¤There was a "orphanage" down the street but it was really just a home for children whose parents couldnt handle them. Whether it be behaviorial problems or financial problems but everytime I acted up that my mom didn't like, she would always threaten to go pack a suitcase and drop me off at St. Peters Village. Being older you can see how empty a threat that was but it never failed when I was a kid. ¤ ¤ credit: Darren | 05.20.03 at 10:00 AM | link--this ¤ ¤Not exactly a parent story, but still good...I have an uncle who lost the tip of his finger in an industrial accident. He used to tell his nieces and nephews that he was picking his nose and a booger bit it off. Very little nose-picking went on among the children in our family. ¤ ¤ credit: Babz | 05.20.03 at 11:31 AM | link--this ¤ ¤The little men in the refridgerator is a classic. I grew up reading Chilly Billy which really fuelled my imagination in that area. ¤ ¤ credit: Kevin | 05.20.03 at 12:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤The older of my two younger brothers was really bad when he was a kid. My parents would always tell him that if he didn't behave, they'd send him off to "juvi" (juvenile detention). One summer, when I was 12 or 13, we were home alone while our parents were at work. My friend Jennifer was there, too, and we were really annoyed by my brother that day... so we decided to get even. I called a friend who happened to have a very deep voice, and told him to call the house. We made sure my brother answered, and picked up the extension to listen in. Friend: Are Mr. or Mrs. Lastname home? Jennifer and I could hardly contain our laughter, and when I nonchalantly asked my brother who called, he just said it was for our parents. HE then locked himself in his room for the rest of the afternoon. When Mom got home a few hours later, Jennifer and I feigned innocence and told her we didn't know why he was in his room. She went in and asked him what was wrong. He wouldn't tell her for a while, but finally broke down in tears and told her that he didn't want to go to Juvi and promised to behave if she didn't send him away. Mom had figured out what happened by that time, and she assured him he wasn't going anywhere. She went upstairs and found me and Jennifer trying very hard not to laugh, and was unable to scold up because she was laughing too hard. I never miss an opportunity to remind my dear brother about this story! Thanks, Robyn for the opportunity to laugh today! :) ¤ ¤ credit: Dyanna | 05.20.03 at 04:12 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Mine was like Darren's and Dyanna's. -this ¤ ¤At our house the misbehavior threat was slightly different. If my younger sister and I were naughty, dad said he was going to sell us to the gypsies and they would take us away. It worked too. ;) ¤ ¤ credit: Synergy | 05.21.03 at 01:34 AM | link--this ¤ ¤I was told by someone....can't even remember who anymore..."If you jump on the crack, you will break your mother's back"....well, my dad was married to his second wife at the time....with whom I did not get a long...and I would STOMP on those sidewalk cracks ;) You would see my girlfriend and I walking around the neighborhood jumping on sidewalk cracks........My daughter now...very carefully walks over them. Thank you God!!! :) I wonder where she heard this from too..... ¤ ¤ credit: W | 05.21.03 at 01:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤Someone told me that dump trucks, front-end loaders, etc. were "nail trucks" and if I got too close, they'd fill me with nails. I remember nightmares full of the things chasing me. To this day, I'm leery if I have to turn my back on one. ¤ ¤ credit: Jennifer | 05.21.03 at 05:45 PM | link--this ¤ ¤I told my nephew when he lived with us, that the world used to be in black and white (a blatant rip off from Calvin and Hobbes). He believed us! Of course his dad told him that creatures lived in the toilet and could crawl up and bite certain things off. Damned kid never DID learn how to aim properly!! ¤ ¤ credit: K2 | 05.23.03 at 04:35 PM | link--this ¤ ¤
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