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Posted: 10.17.2002
Maybe baby, I'll have you - maybe baby, you'll be true
Somewhat emotional, "female" conversation ahead. Click at your own risk. You have been warned.

You know those cartoons where the character has a mini "angel" version of them and a mini "devil" version of them sitting up on their shoulders holding a conversation? Well that was me this week. Only mine were named "Hope" and "Reality". Hope keeps me human. Reality makes me feel human.

Well anyway, this week I was over a week late. I haven't been over a day late in a really long time since we officially stopped trying. I also had that "I'm about to hurl feeling" all weekend/week long -- and did toss my cookies on more than one occasion. And the thing that triggered it most of all? Chicken. Now in my mind I know that it would take several medical and spiritual miracles happening at the same place and time to even give me a small prayer of that occurring. Todd can have children. I can't. Over three years worth of trying, tests and surgeries have let me know just exactly where I stand without a doubt.

But as a woman, you get the symptoms...you play the doubt game. I would give anything to go back to the pre-trying me and just play that game one more time without knowing what happens after the dice are rolled. That gut-crunching, "Oh my god...could I be..." feeling that you fear if it should happen at a certain point in your life, everything would freeze-frame and you'd lose the ability to even breathe. I would welcome that feeling with open arms today. Because it's hard for me to even remember a time when I thought having a child the 'normal' way was even possible....much less might be a reality.

Which brings me to, late tonight. My least favorite aunt showed up with extra baggage. I think she intends to stay around for awhile this time. It seems she's also taken up kickboxing while away on that week's vacation. And I feel so stupid for even letting my mind go there. I mean, I won't even throw money away on the tests anymore. If I could have that ten-bucks-a-pop back that we spent once upon a time, we'd probably be in Jamaica right now. But that still doesn't stop me from pausing and asking the mental "Magic 8 Ball" from time to time. And once again, as always, signs point to no. I'll get over it. It's a good excuse to down a banana split.



Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...



I don't have anything to say, really, except I'm sorry, which probably doesn't say enough. ~hugs~

¤ ¤ credit: Kymberlie R. McGuire | 10.17.02 at 02:34 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Sending you some love. You've been through a lot - and a lot more then you deserve in my opinion - but know that there are lots of people out here that love you to bits & pieces. I believe your future is bright, even if it isn't the dreams you originally dreamed. *smooch!*

¤ ¤ credit: Christine | 10.17.02 at 02:38 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Thanks guys! It really does get to the "eh, it'll pass" stage. She says as she digs into a big, evil banana, hot fudge, ice cream, whipped cream, and cherry concoction in the middle of the night... ;-)

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 10.17.02 at 02:38 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I truly am so sorry, Robyn. It always seems as if there's nothing to say to make you feel any better about such an awful circumstance. Just know that my thoughts are with you. {{Robyn}}

¤ ¤ credit: Susan | 10.17.02 at 03:07 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

Oh Robyn, you are brave and strong and wonderful. I'm so sending you the love your way.

¤ ¤ credit: Annessa | 10.17.02 at 07:30 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

((HUGS))

Robyn, I don't even know what to say except just more ((Hugs)).

¤ ¤ credit: Kimmie | 10.17.02 at 08:26 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

I've got two very close friends going through the same exact thing, and it kills me every month to wait with them, only to see them, or get that phone call...

[hug] I'm thinking of you.

¤ ¤ credit: erika | 10.17.02 at 09:22 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

honey, I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) and love out to you. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but I'm all out. just thinking of you...

¤ ¤ credit: deb | 10.17.02 at 09:39 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

:( *hugs*

¤ ¤ credit: sphinx | 10.17.02 at 11:16 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

i too, don't know what to say. except more hugs sent your way.

¤ ¤ credit: jen | 10.17.02 at 11:36 AM | link--this ¤ ¤

So sorry Robyn - I'm right there with ya, babe. Thinking of you as always.

¤ ¤ credit: Cheryl | 10.17.02 at 12:19 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Why is it that those who want kids can't and those who don't can? I'd trade with you if I could...

Hope you enjoyed the ice cream. You made me hungry in the process :)

*Hugs* anyways.

¤ ¤ credit: Veshka | 10.17.02 at 12:33 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Thanks everyone -- I really appreciate all the kind words! And don't worry...there isn't a right or wrong thing to say really. It just helps knowing you're not alone. That's the best thing anyone could ever do for someone facing all this! :-) I'm all better today -- ice cream always does the trick!

¤ ¤ credit: robyn | 10.17.02 at 01:48 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

I know there are really no words, but I'm sorry that you're going through this. You and Todd are in my thoughts.

¤ ¤ credit: Christine | 10.17.02 at 03:56 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Robyn, I'm here for you -- always. I'd give anything to take all your pain away. There is no one I know that deserves to have that experience, NO ONE. Love you! {{{R}}}

¤ ¤ credit: Christi | 10.17.02 at 09:05 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Kids are over-rated! They require too much attention. You have to "grow up" when you have kids and who *really* wants to grow up?!

Some of us - you, me, & a bunch of others - will always be singing along with that damn Geoffery Giraffe....

"I don't want to grow, 'cause if I did....."


See? I knew you knew that old Toys 'R' Us commercial!


Seriously, we're thinking about ya! Love from Ft. Worth!

¤ ¤ credit: Kevin | 10.17.02 at 09:17 PM | link--this ¤ ¤

Can I just say what an awesome person I think you are?

¤ ¤ credit: ginadapooh | 10.18.02 at 03:38 PM | link--this ¤ ¤




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