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Posted: 05.26.2003
The day after the night before
I don't think I got a full-hour's sleep straight last night. The tears finally came, and today my eyes have that puffy, tired "ache" to them. I just feel lost. And gripped by the fear that bad news always comes in threes, and this is just our second major loss of the year. The year's not even half-over yet.

We've debated and debated on whether or not to go back for the funeral, and I don't think we're going to. Money is extremely tight post-vacation to say the least. But that's not really the reason when it boils down to it. Knowing he was dating his ex-fiancée again really is honestly the reason for me. When I met him, I didn't know he was engaged to someone I knew. I just thought he was engaged to "someone" in Chicago. That someone turned out to be a good friend of mine from junior high and a fellow cheerleader. He broke off their engagement to start dating me, so there's obviously not a lot of good blood there -- even though it was a decision he made all on his own. Anyway, I just feel like "she" should be the one at the funeral since they had recently been back together again. Not me. I don't want to hurt her any more than she already is. And I'm just afraid seeing me would hurt her and open old wounds, in addition to the current ones she must have.

I'm not sure if that will make sense, but I don't suppose any of this makes sense to begin with, now does it? He's going to be buried in the same small town my grandfather is buried in, so hopefully one day soon I can pay them both a visit again...

Thanks so much to everyone who's e-mailed and left comments of support and encouragement. Please save your thoughts and prayers for his family, however. This is their second, difficult death in a couple of year's time. I just can't imagine what they must be going through.

Hey boy take a look at me...let me dirty up your mind...

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