I can bitch, I can bitch 'cause I'm better than you
I wish when people achieved enlightenment and are so quick to pass along their experiences and what got them there -- basically implying that you haven't made better of yourself during the time they've known you* and are therefore stuck down on a lower plane of existence than they are -- in all their smugness they'd take just a wee second to think that over the course of history, the Library of Congress could be filled with self-help books many times over. And we're all just as equally messed up generations later, if not more so. No one is fucking enlightened, with the exception of maybe the Dalai Lama. Period. We're all just equally trying to get through the day screwing up as little people as possible right along with us. Yes, even Dr. Phil and The Oprah™ apply.

*This entry is not about me, but about what I've read about elsewhere.

UPDATE: And if you think publicly this entry is about you, it's probably not.
posted at 05:35 PM | link-

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Goddess on a mountaintop

[kiss my tiara]

I got the greatest little care package in the mail this week from Lisa. It had a toy for the baby and this shirt. Could it be any more perfect? Thank you!
posted at 02:25 PM | link-

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Reach out and touch
I think one of the best things about being married is being able to roll over in the middle of the night, stick out your hand, and just touch the other person -- if for nothing else to make sure they're still there and reassure yourself they're ok. It's a habit we both have if we wake up or get up in the middle of the night. And every time my hand meets his, there's still electricity. Even seven years of marriage later. I simply cannot imagine any longer what it would be like to reach out and just find pillow next to me... I am truly blessed.
posted at 03:12 AM | link-

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If I had one wish
You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads...throw me a bone here!
posted at 03:54 PM | link-

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Ain't nuthin' like the real thing, baby
A quote from one of my favorite movies of all time states:

"But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing."

I'd just like to officially state for the record that I beg to differ. Hmmph.
posted at 12:25 PM | link-

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We're not laughing at you - we're laughing around you
It's nice to know that when I'm up at the ungodly hour of 4:48 a.m. craving linguine with marina sauce and Olive Garden breadsticks -- when I should mention I never even order linguine -- that I can finally share that tidbit with the world, knowing many of you are all chuckling along in solidarity. Why do I hear Nelson's "ha ha" though?
posted at 04:48 AM | link-

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Mighta took the long way, but we knew we'd get there someday
You might remember that recently tampatantrum.com celebrated its one-year birthday. Well tomorrow, August 12th, is my two-year blogiversary.

Todd and I have seen a lot of changes in the last year. Some bad, many good -- the yin and yang of life always making its presence felt. I've learned a lot. Grown a lot. Gained friendships, and sadly lost friendships. And hopefully come away from all of it just a bit wiser and a better person for it.

"To grow mature is to separate more distinctly, to connect more closely." — Hugo von Hofmannsthal

This all brings me to something I can finally share with the class. It might help explain why the quality and quantity of several of my sites -- this one included -- has been lacking as of late. And why the posting times are always so sporadic. And why I haven't been able to visit blogs like I used to, and my "reply to" box currently has 156 items (84 unread). I fully expect these changes to carry forward as I begin my third year of blogging. Why, you might ask? Because this past weekend I safely passed into my second trimester of pregnancy!

That's right, Todd and I are expecting our first child on February 15, 2004. (For many of you, that due date will hold a bit of life's bittersweet irony.) To say we're thrilled and over the moon would be an understatement. I won't be blogging about my pregnancy here -- but so many of you have prayed for us and sent your well-wishes over the past several months, I couldn't fail to acknowledge it here. "Thank you" just never seems to be enough...

We had our fourth ultrasound on August first, and everything is going extremely well with the baby. The heartbeat was good and strong at 162-170 bpm. It's been that high since week five. We've already heard it on doppler as well. I can now finally present to you...the first public photos of baby Tobyn... Don't you think our little slice of immortality has Todd's good looks and my sense of style?

I especially want to take a second and thank those of our friends who've been able to sit on their fingers and zip their lips all these weeks, and help keep this mega-secret for us. I know it hasn't been easy! I'm also excited to say that ~~five~~ of my friends -- in real life and online -- are all due within a month of me from January - March of 2004. (UPDATE: Another friend from college just announced today and she's due in February, too. Better make that six!) It's an exciting time for so many of us -- and I'm thrilled to have the chance to share this life-milestone with them!

So there you have it. My big blogiversary news! This is the time on Sprockets where we dance... Cake and punch to the right. Just warn me if you spike it, mmmk?
posted at 04:20 AM | link-

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Think about direction - wonder why you haven't before
My horoscope today couldn't be more perfect for things I'm currently witnessing in another area of my online life:

You are likely to have independent views about everything, ROBYN, and people would be wrong to try to box you into thinking a certain way. Don't let others convince you to accept something that you are skeptical of. Deep down inside, you know exactly what you believe in, so don't be afraid to express these thoughts, even if they go entirely against the grain of the situation at hand. Independence is important to you, and you may go to great lengths to make sure that others feel this freedom that you know is so critical to a healthy lifestyle. [link]

Quite frankly, now I'm really glad I've taken a stand.
posted at 10:43 AM | link-

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This could devastate my reputation as a dude
Michele has had a series of blogger "then and now" photos going during the Blogathon -- her theme has been pop culture from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

I just found her the perfect photo. It was taken circa Christmas 1985. Yes, that's me sporting a bitchin' pair of parachute pants with neon-pink zipper inserts. And of course you can't forget the Duran Duran-esque chauffeur's cap and skinny black leather tie. Always a slave to fashion, I am...
posted at 06:38 AM | link-

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Words are very unnecessary
Sorry I've been so quiet lately. Actually, I take that back. No, I'm not. I rather enjoy waking up next to him every day right now. Real life's got in the way. 'Magine that!

Hope everyone in the U.S. has a great Fourth holiday! -R
posted at 12:11 PM | link-

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I heard that you were feeling ill...
Just a quick note that if you're waiting on e-mail from me, or work from me, it could take awhile this weekend. I'm sick as a dog right now and can barely sit upright. Of course, it doesn't hurt that my favorite nurse gets to be home with me -- so I can't complain too much. Enjoy the weekend everyone!
posted at 12:44 PM | link-

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It's in the photograph

[irony]

Robbie just e-mailed us this photo he took while in Salt Lake City visiting his brother. I think the image just about says it all...
posted at 05:19 AM | link-

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Useless trivia for $500, Alex
It's been a busy morning around here. Did a little work. Caught up on e-mail (can you say massively behind...sure I knew you could). Updated sooner-born.com for the first time in ages. Cured cancer. Saved the world. All that before 2 p.m. Can I get a woo-woo?
posted at 01:13 PM | link-

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Fun with Blondes 101
I rarely login to Friendster, but I'm always getting "new friend requests" from people I don't even know. Can someone please 'splain the Friendster netiquette to me and how the whole thing works? Should you approve only friends? Or is it like some kind of Pokemon trading card thing where you collect all you can, and hope you end up with a Pirillo eventually?

posted at 04:51 PM | link-

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It's like me, but better
Even though I still accidentally use enough shampoo to clean an entire African village (and wouldn't that be fun trying to fit them all in my shower) -- I am lovin' this short hair at almost a week, post. I forgot all about the benefits of bed-head!
posted at 12:41 PM | link-

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I can bitch, I can bitch - 'cuz I'm better than you
So, do you think I've become too bitter a person in my old age?

(poll closed)

And if you answered yes, admit it -- you like me better that way, don't you?

(poll closed)

It's nice to know these things...

UPDATE: You guys aren't very good at math. I'm going to have to rule these results as invalid and close the polls since the total 'yes/no' numbers in the second poll continued to be more than the 'yes' votes from the first. Don't say I didn't warn ya'!
posted at 03:27 PM | link-

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Screw the virtue
I am so not a patient person when it comes to waiting for the phone to ring...

It rang, and I'm not going to be a backup dancer on the Timberlake/Aguilera world tour after all. Damn it all to hell... Oh well. Maybe Destiny's Child will come-a-callin'.
posted at 02:15 PM | link-

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Feed me, Seymour
We've just spent the last two hours doing a very bad thing -- Food TV had on a special Unwrapped for Disney World, followed by an Unwrapped for Amusement and Theme Parks, followed by The Best of Amusement Parks. I am so freakin' hungry right now. Somebody bring me a turkey leg and some mac 'n' cheese, stat. I'll be your best friend...
posted at 11:04 PM | link-

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It cuts you up
I haven't had my hair cut since January. To be honest, I just haven't felt like caring about my hair for months -- and anyone who knows me knows that's quite unusual for me. It's just been that kind of year... But I finally got fed up with how long it was. How blah it was. And how "not me" it was.

That's when I found out I'm truly cursed. When we moved up to the 'burbs a couple of years ago, I quit going to the hairdresser I'd used for about 4½ years because she was just too far away. It seemed a pain to waste half of our weekend schlepping to the salon and back. So by some fluke I found a girl here in suburbia that I actually loved, first-try. When I called to make the appointment last week they told me she'd been promoted to manage her own salon. The location? Exactly two blocks from my old stylist. Two blocks even further from us. Figures. But after the great hair disaster of '02 when I was forced to use someone else last-minute, there was no way I was up to trying to find someone new again. So schelp we did... It wasn't that hard to make the drive considering, with tip, I pay this girl about $70 less than my old stylist in the same location before tip.

And of course, it was worth it. I feel about 20 lbs. lighter and look like "me" again. Wanna see?

(Dig that new tee, don't ya'?) When my stylist's boyfriend gets back from Iraq and they get married, I think I'm going to need weeks of therapy. It's harder to find a decent stylist than it is to buy a house, I'm starting to believe...and that was no cakewalk.

We won't be around tonight. Robbie is flying in for another overnighter, and we're going into Tampa to see 'im in a couple of hours. Y'all have fun now, ya'hear!
posted at 04:24 PM | link-

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Ahhhhh...to be young and panty-free
We're watching "Jackass: The Movie" right now. We've never really watched the show, and all I can be is incredibly thankful they weren't around when we lived in the Honors Dorm. You put that many academic and National Merit Scholars in that close of a space, and it can only spell disaster. Like a contest for the largest items you could drop off the top of the stadium press box. A stadium light, that I can't exactly divulge where it came from, won. Or the 2-story catapult the guys built to propel items against a 4-story brick wall in one of the quads. Many a Letterman moment to be had there. Or the time we saved the little creamer containers from the cafeteria for an entire semester, because we watched someone toss the powder in the air and light it once. We left a 2-story scorch mark up the fire escape wall, that was still there three years later. There was also the "couch stacking" contests held in the lounges -- to see just how many couches we could stack, often filled with occupants, on top of each other. Think Human Jenga... Then there was tree climbing, in your underwear, in the snow. And the 1991 "He-Man Die Wet Adventure" during a flash-flood. There was a killer hill behind the athletic center, and all the guys dressed up in garbage bags from head-to-toe. Most, not all, donned crash helmets and went flying down the mud-hill like an earthened slip-n-slide.

My class was also legendary for its pranking -- like the time my boyfriend and a friend went around and gathered every single pumpkin lawn-leaf bag late on Halloween evening, and piled them floor-to-ceiling in the middle of the night while my girls' floor was asleep. We had to call a maintenance man to get out of our rooms. The ENTIRE hall was filled floor to ceiling. I got him back by building a door of duct tape and carefully sealing it over his door in the middle of the night. He had Guard drill and got up at 4:30 a.m. every morning. Walked right into the sucker. Of course, he repaid me by putting my Dodge Omni up on blocks the last morning of the next semester. I went to get in my car to drive across campus for a final...and well, needless to say, I ran to make it on time after pulling an all-nighter. Thank god I was still hopped up on No-Doz. The only way he even made up for that one was getting Todd and I tickets to the Orange Bowl when OU won the national championship in 2000.

Ahhhhh...the good old days. But again, thank god this movie didn't give us any more ideas. I think the emergency room would have been the least of our worries. The morgue would have been a more likely destination.
posted at 12:26 AM | link-

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I don't wanna grow up

[do not pass Go]

Note to self: Do not begin (payday) Friday by balancing checkbook and paying bills for over an hour. It ruins your entire weekend.
posted at 11:11 AM | link-

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Sun 'n' fun
Leave it to my husband's company to schedule mandatory training from 9-4 on our anniversary weekend. At least he gets paid for it...

When Todd gets home, it's hasta la bye-bye. Thanks to the wonders of Priceline.com we've snagged ourselves an overnight at the beach Hilton, at a rate so low we can't display it here. So behave yourselves. And don't do anything I wouldn't do*.

*We all know this gives you a great amount of leeway. Don't disappoint me.
posted at 03:48 PM | link-

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I think a change'll do you good
Jen had a great entry about a song that prompted a major life change. I had one of those myself. It's called "This is the Day" by The The. Todd and I ended up engaged just weeks after I heard it for the first time, and it really did bring about some major life-changes and make things fall into place for me. Suddenly, things just "clicked".

This is the Day

Well you didn't wake up this morning
'Cause you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off

You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed

All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

You pull back the curtains
And the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky

This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

You could've done anything
If you'd wanted

And all your friends and family
Think that you're lucky

But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like.....glue

You pull back the curtains
And the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky

This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

This is the day your life will surely change.....

Song credit: The The

Do you have a similar song?
posted at 04:05 PM | link-

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Temporary fix
Todd is out on a comfort food run to Chili's... Screw fat and calories. Waistline be damned. I want chicken fried steak and mashed taters with gravy. Now.

What's your favorite "break glass in case of emergency" comfort food?
posted at 07:25 PM | link-

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The day after the night before
I don't think I got a full-hour's sleep straight last night. The tears finally came, and today my eyes have that puffy, tired "ache" to them. I just feel lost. And gripped by the fear that bad news always comes in threes, and this is just our second major loss of the year. The year's not even half-over yet.

We've debated and debated on whether or not to go back for the funeral, and I don't think we're going to. Money is extremely tight post-vacation to say the least. But that's not really the reason when it boils down to it. Knowing he was dating his ex-fiancée again really is honestly the reason for me. When I met him, I didn't know he was engaged to someone I knew. I just thought he was engaged to "someone" in Chicago. That someone turned out to be a good friend of mine from junior high and a fellow cheerleader. He broke off their engagement to start dating me, so there's obviously not a lot of good blood there -- even though it was a decision he made all on his own. Anyway, I just feel like "she" should be the one at the funeral since they had recently been back together again. Not me. I don't want to hurt her any more than she already is. And I'm just afraid seeing me would hurt her and open old wounds, in addition to the current ones she must have.

I'm not sure if that will make sense, but I don't suppose any of this makes sense to begin with, now does it? He's going to be buried in the same small town my grandfather is buried in, so hopefully one day soon I can pay them both a visit again...

Thanks so much to everyone who's e-mailed and left comments of support and encouragement. Please save your thoughts and prayers for his family, however. This is their second, difficult death in a couple of year's time. I just can't imagine what they must be going through.
posted at 12:59 PM | link-

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The other monuments so white and clean
Editorial: Y'know, I was just sitting here thinking...this weekend is why I'm really not ready for someone to make a federal holiday out of 9-11. All I can think of right now is "three day weekend" and "beach". But it's Memorial Day weekend. Not very many of us stop and celebrate it as intended any longer, do we? It's just too soon for me to have another excuse to hit the beach and throw a white sale... I honestly prefer remembering that day in my own way for now.
posted at 11:38 AM | link-

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Hi, my name is Robyn. And I have a drinking problem.
I swear to all that's holy...if I miss my mouth while going to take a swig of water, Coke, whathaveyou, one more time this week...
posted at 08:16 PM | link-

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And so it is written...
My horoscope for today reads:

"This is going to be a day for protecting your sense of space and privacy, dear Robyn. People are going to make you feel that your territory is being invaded as never before. But what they don't know is that Sagittarius is preparing a storm. This is not the moment for people to be bothering you!"

Ummmm...yeah. So let that be a lesson to you!
posted at 10:31 AM | link-

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Sweet mother of pastry products
We've lived in Florida over six years now. One thing that has constantly eluded me has finally been found. It was a quick store-run in the unlikeliest of places. But there it was, nonetheless. The very last one on the shelves, just waiting for me. Now, I present to you my victory...the quest is finally over...

[victorious!]

And it was good.
posted at 09:25 PM | link-

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Take it from me, parents just don't understand
We were just snackin' on some yummy watermelon, and I reminded Todd not to eat the seeds because they'd grow inside. So we started comparing parental stories you were told as children just to mess with your head, because your parents could do so and get away with it... Todd will comment his here in a bit -- it's a great one. One of mine was that rabbits laid eggs because of the Cadbury egg commercial. Bwok bwok bwok bwok. I actually asked my teacher if they did outloud in science class (and still won the science award that year). It took me a long time to live that one down.

Got any good ones of your own -- either from your parents, or that you've passed down to your kids? Typical Santa, Easter Bunny, and Toof'fairy stories need not apply (unless they're really good)...
posted at 08:54 PM | link-

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Ride 'em cowgirl

[on my horsey]

Just thought y'all should be subjected to my random-cuteness. Take a close look, because that's probably one of the very few photos in existence to prove I actually wore cowboy boots once upon a time. I haven't been riding in years... Well, horses anyway. *wink*
posted at 06:03 PM | link-

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Do you have any holio?
My husband just called me Cornholio and is afraid to come home tonight.

So far today's events have caused the inhaling of three diet Cherry Cokes in a row, a half-bag of spicy nacho cheese Doritos, and a few fist-fulls of Apple Jacks. What? The random shaking and twitching is normal, isn't it?
posted at 03:52 PM | link-

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More than words
I collect a lot of things...one of them being quotes. So what's your favorite quote? It can be funny, serious, political -- whatever. I'm not picky. Just show me what you got. I'll start you off with two of mine:

"To grow mature is to separate more distinctly, to connect more closely." —Hugo von Hofmannsthal

"Well behaved women rarely make history." —Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
posted at 12:55 AM | link-

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Looks like Chuck's taking a skin boat to Tuna Town
So when you're at a party and someone asks what you do, do you fudge a little bit on the job description if you're this guy? It's the little things that keep me amused each day...
posted at 05:53 PM | link-

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Public Service Announcement
The week is half-over. And there was much rejoicing.
posted at 05:45 PM | link-

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How I'm coping with my Monday
Open keyboard drawer. Insert head. Slam shut. Repeat.
posted at 01:31 PM | link-

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Kiss my entire, 36" white as snow ass
If you've ever wondered just exactly why I took part of my blog to sooner-born.com and made it private and passworded, you only need to look to Jesus. Todd took me out today because I just needed out of here -- anywhere. And I come back after my brief escape in the real world to find that my comments were spammed by some mindless twit (who most likely used a public computer to post the drivel -- IP 66.114.228.138). And guess what. That just happens to be a Seattle IP. Now I'm no mathematician, but it doesn't take a National Merit Scholar to figure it out...

I'm not going to leave them all up (across ten total entries in 2003 and 2002), because quite frankly, that's my prerogative. <cue Bobby Brown> But in the future just in case someone wants to know why I decided to go private -- I'm pointing you right back here to this comment left the day before Mother's Day -- right after my miscarriage. This is just one of dozens of similar e-mails, comments and blog entries I've received in recent months -- and that's when I finally decided the only one that had a right to my life was me and pulled the plug. To quote my other site, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If you think comments like that are going to break me, you've got another thing coming. You see, there's this thing called real life. It doesn't involve a power supply, keyboard or monitor. And it's done a fine enough job of kicking my ass this year without your help. Thank you. Drive through. And don't forget the special sauce. -Robyn
posted at 09:49 PM | link-

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I said I appreciate that and would you please explain about the 50 ways
If you think back, what's the most vivid earliest childhood memory that you have? Not surprisingly, since my life seems to have a soundtrack behind it -- my memory involves music. Based on the release date of the movie and the house we lived in, I was four years old at the time. I was in my backyard on my swing-set holding my transistor radio. (Man, that ages me!) I had a cup full of Apple Jacks cereal with me. "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman came on and I belted my little heart out. I can't hear that song to this day without thinking of that early summer afternoon.

I have other fuzzy memories from when I was three-to-four that all involve my Popeye (my nickname for my grandfather who passed away when I was four). In one he was playing a harmonica that I now have framed in a shadow box. In another we were singing "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" to one another -- my mom was dating a guy named Stan at the time, and the "make a new plan, Stan" line of the song would crack me up to no end in a fit of giggles. And in yet another, he was diving off a diving board during a vacation we were on, and I was squealing, "Do it again, Popeye! Do it again!" I still get teased about that to this day.

But those memories are all fuzzy, and ones that are partly mine -- party as told by others. The "If I Can't Have You*" memory is mine and mine alone -- since I was by myself at the time. If only life were still as simple as swinging as high as your little legs could kick you in the air, singing, and munching on Apple Jacks...

UPDATE: *Remember my old "break-up songs" entry? Well this site is the jackpot for them!
posted at 01:35 AM | link-

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One more addiction
Jessica has known me for years. In fact, she's known me since before I purchased my very first domain, whollymatrimony.com. So she was only too happy to point out last night that I now have a problem... Counting through the list, I realized lomo-motion.com broke the barrier. I've got ten domains for my own personal use. I know I'm not the worst one out there by far... So 'fess up. How bad is your ~~crack~~ domain addiction? Word of warning: once you break down and buy that second one, there's no turning back*! (*Thank god they're no longer $70/pop! The Network Solutions early days were evil, indeed.)

Hi, my name is Robyn. And I'm a domain whore.
posted at 02:43 AM | link-

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Putting the hump in "hump day"
So I actually, like, had a life today and all. Whaddya gonna do?
posted at 10:56 PM | link-

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Happy Sunday
It's really hard for me to wish everyone a Happy Easter today. Sure I could go against everything I was raised with and put up pics of Peeps, Easter eggs, and little chocolate bunnies -- but those aren't really the reasons I've always celebrated the holiday.

I've spent a great portion of my year mad at God. I'm trying to make peace with him, but I'm just not there yet. And today only symbolizes the start of the Hallmark season of family holidays -- Mother's Day and Father's Day are right around the corner. So while I should be happily in my second trimester by now, instead I'm left rapidly changing the channel every time another Luvs and Huggies commercial comes on.

So please forgive me if I don't put up generic "Happy Easter" greetings. This year, it just isn't for me... -Robyn
posted at 12:50 PM | link-

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Penny arcade
He plays the role of gaming god oh so well, but after watching me play the one and only game I enjoy -- Centipede, old school Atari style -- with that all-knowing snicker that he could do better, I invited him to put his mouse where his mouth is. I'd like to point that that I own every single high score. Still. He didn't even break the 12K barrier and get a new life. Mmmm...hmmmm. Girl power.
posted at 10:47 PM | link-

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Have you seen my baseball?
Do you ever get the feeling as you're going through life that God was a huge fan of There's Something about Mary...and he's just sitting upstairs snickering, "I'm fucking with you, Ted!"
posted at 01:58 PM | link-

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You are getting very sleepy...
I hate it when you're so exhausted you could collapse on the spot, so you go to bed several hours early. And you sleep great. For two and ½ hours. And then bam! Eyes wide open, yet still tired as hell. Thank god I don't have to go to class in the morning or anything.
posted at 02:23 AM | link-

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'Til Tuesday
Still sick...and tons of work to catch up on and attempt to do even so... Which means I'm taking another "sick day" on Monday. It's getting tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So I'd better make this one count.

No Kitty, that's a bad Kitty!
TooMuchSexy.blog
Bitch Has *Word* (don't view the sock on a full stomach - big mistake)
in nancy's book
Cranky's Corner

Tell me why I don't like Mondays... I want to shoot the whole day down. I'll see you Tuesday! (Start here for more reads...)
posted at 02:08 AM | link-

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Life is crazy -- candy, baby
[orange slices]

If I ruled the world, eating a half-bag of candy orange slices would be considered your daily serving of fruit and would account for all of your required Vitamin C intake.
posted at 04:10 PM | link-

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Curiousity killed the.....
If you ask a Magic 8 Ball a question, and the answer flips about a half-second after you turn it over (and you didn't move/shake the ball) -- do you go with the initial answer -- or the "I'm a Magic 8 Ball and reserve the right to change my mind" answer?
posted at 06:35 PM | link-

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Most peculiar momma, whoa!
I think the tone of your Monday is pretty much set when you grab a cotton square to put toner on your face, and at the last second suddenly realize you're about to apply a wet pad full of nail polish remover instead...
posted at 01:39 PM | link-

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Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head...
So, when everyone else starts stuffing up and getting the sniffles from their seasonal allergies, is your first thought, "Oh god. I've got the SARS!", as well?

UPDATE: Ironically, The Agonist posted a detailed SARS Update today.
posted at 01:30 PM | link-

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This is not the Robyn you are looking for
Just want to clarify...talk here seems to have turned to "depression". I do not have depression. I'm being monitored very closely by my doctors right now. In fact, I have another appointment at 4 p.m. today. I've see them at the rate of about once a week since February, and feel like a human pincushion at times. But you don't get that info at this blog any longer. In a nutshell, I'm fine. We've got a lot of big decisions and life changes ahead of us. But I'm fine. So please don't speculate.

Todd got great news yesterday that's been several months in the making. I lost an uncle over the weekend. There's a war on. And a song came on, and "bam!" Insta-tears out of nowhere. Happens to the best of us. But one teary-eyed episode in several years time does not "Depression 101" make. Please don't try to diagnose me as such. Believe me, I have an actual diagnoses list a mile long. New ones need not apply! -R
posted at 01:36 PM | link-

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The tears run rings around my eyes
You know one of the things I hate about being a woman? When you're sitting here not sad. So very not sad. Not even an inkling of unhappiness flowing through your body. Yet tears are streaming down your face for no reason at all. You can't explain why. It's not "that time of the month". They just are. It's times like these that give my gender, especially those with my hair color, a bad name.

I'm chalking it up to an emotional year of loss, war, and much-needed, long-overdue good news for a change. But damn, it's hard to work like this.
posted at 02:43 AM | link-

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Melts in your mouth...
When I weigh 500 lbs. in the next photo you see of me, I swear it's not my fault. It's the "Easter Bunny approved" 14 oz. bag of peanut M&Ms'. They're cute. They're pastel. They're oh-so-yummy and peanutty. Moth to a flame, man. Moth to a flame...
posted at 02:37 AM | link-

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Mail call!
When I was forced to go on dial-up last weekend, my Dell laptop got hosed by a nasty virus thanks to the fine folks at Juno web. I've had this p.o.s. since '98, and lost five years worth of software -- including all of my mail. Todd had to completely wipe the harddrive and start over from scratch. Yeah, I was pleased. So if you wrote me between Friday and Monday and I haven't replied yet, that's most likely the culprit. Please resend and I'll get back to you just as soon as I can! -R
posted at 05:55 PM | link-

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Highway to the danger zone

I rarely talk about my exes here, because well...I'm happily married, have been for years, and I married the right man in my life... But today my thoughts are drifting across the world to a man I once loved and still care very deeply about (even though we haven't spoken since the evening I called to tell him I was engaged). We dated -- and were friends -- for two years when I was at OU. During which time he started Naval flight school (in Pensacola, FL), was promoted in rank to Lieutenant, and was accepted into jet training (in Meridian, MS).

The last I heard, he was also happily married and stationed in Spain. I think of his wife on a day like today and think "what if". Was I really prepared to be a military wife if my life had taken another path and it had ultimately come to that? I don't think so. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for all of the money in the world. That would be the hardest 'goodbye kiss' you could ever give. But even though I haven't spoken to this man in seven years now, I still think of him -- and his wife -- and pray for his safety.

When I say I support our troops it's because I do. It's not just liberal talk to keep the conservatives from jumping on me. I very much loved one of them once upon a time. I once laughed, and danced, and soaked up the sun.....with several of the pilots who could be dropping bombs and flying rescue missions tonight. I know that, politics aside, they have a job to do whether it was one they would have asked for or not. They signed up because they believe in -- and love -- this country as much as I do.

And they're willing to die for it.
posted at 02:20 PM | link-

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The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
I really hate it when you burn the roof of your mouth off eating something as mundane as a Lean Cuisine entrée.
posted at 03:31 PM | link-

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You're the margarine of evil

I hate it when I lose something I really want on eBay -- but man it feels good to start the day by going in and sniping someone in the last 15 seconds for something you've watched for over a week (and kept getting outbid so you gave up to wait for the kill instead)! Yeah, I'm evil like that. And it's mine now.

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone! Make sure to watch the live webcams down in N'awlins! Laissez les bon temps rouléz...

posted at 09:13 AM | link-

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The Divine Miss M
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely,
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love,
In the spring becomes...
The rose

Song credit: Bette Midler

I feel like such an ass. I know most people understand our February was far from normal, but I've had a folder full of e-mail sitting there un-replied to for over two weeks now. And it just keeps getting added to daily. I swear, I'm not intentionally trying to be slow -- and I'm definitely not ignoring anyone. I'm just being pulled in a million directions right now -- physically and emotionally. Needless to say, it's the wrong time to ask for any favors for awhile. I think it's time to re-accept applications for a cabana boy/secretary again...who's in?
posted at 01:39 AM | link-

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She wants to lead the glamorous life
Just a quick note to anyone who thinks living on disability is "easy", or those who do so are lazy and enjoy mooching off the government... By March 1st (yesterday), anything I earned for the rest of the year at my previous employment would have vanished into thin air. In other words, my full-year's income on SSDI equals just two month's salary at my previous employer. Yeah, I'm livin' the high life. Wanna make somethin' of it? If you have such a problem with those who "mooch off society" -- I challenge you to put your money where your mouth is, give a little back yourself, and join me in Creative Finances 101 by donating the rest of your salary for 2003 to charity. -Robyn

Oh and by the way, I still get to pay taxes on 80% of my current SSDI income.
posted at 12:10 PM | link-

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So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way
Welcome to the new -- and perhaps for some of you -- improved tampatantrum.com. Things are going to drastically change around here as I move on to a new phase of my blogging life. I'd like to ask my family and close friends to please check their e-mail, and then head on over here. Yes, that site is passworded. And no, if you don't have it now -- you're not going to get it. Please don't ask. And please respect our need for privacy.

This blog will still be frequently updated. Anything impersonal -- entertainment commentary, FARK links, jokes, site tips and tricks, recommended blog reads, design updates, sports information, etc. -- well that will all still be here just like always. So don't lose me on your blogrolls. I'm not through here. I'm just taking the 'personal journal' section elsewhere. Thanks to everyone for their comments and e-mails this weekend!

People I know
Places I go
Make me feel tongue-tied
I can see how people look down
They're on the inside

Here's where the story ends

People I see
Weary of me
Showing my good side
I can see how people look down
I'm on the outside

Here's where the story ends
Ooh here's where the story ends

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.....

Ooh here's where the story ends.

And here's where book two begins!
-Robyn
posted at 09:03 PM | link-

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Step right up and get your ticket

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.....
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me feel so frightened, so sick, so excited, so scared, so safe, and so thrilled, altogether! Some didn't like it. They wanted to go on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Quote Credit: Parenthood

I was reminded of the above after reading this entry.
posted at 04:43 PM | link-

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How many fates turn around in the overtime
There's a line in a song by Hüsker Dü that goes:

Now I'm hardly getting over it
Hardly getting used to getting by

That's kind of how I feel today. Like I'm not ready to blog again, but it's such a part of my daily routine that I don't know what to do without it. Is that pathetic, or does that mean I'm trying to heal? Or maybe a little bit of both... This is the first day since we got the news that I've woken up without Todd by my side. I think that's the hardest part. Nothing seems "normal" anymore.

This whole thing was such a whirlwind. We didn't even get a full week to be happy about it. We found out the good news on a Wednesday evening, and found out the bad news on a Wednesday afternoon. It's amazing how much your life can turn upside down in the span of just seven short days.

I have a lot of anger over the situation. I've screamed at God for days on end. Why now? Why this way? We'd had just over 18 months to heal, following 18 months of failed surgeries and treatments. (We started "officially trying" in 1998 when we were both 25, but didn't have our first appointment with an infertility specialist until early 2000.) This pregnancy was my one documented case of ovulation in five years time, and I was monitored for it very closely during my 18 months of treatment. But we'd come to terms with the pain. We'd come to terms with the fact I'd never be able to get pregnant. We'd come to terms with the doctors we trusted saying adoption was our only answer. There were some very dark days in the beginning, but we were finally happy again. We'd moved on. Together.

People have taken swipes at me in blog comments recently about living a "charmed life" and always getting what I want. I always rolled my eyes when I read things like that, because people who haven't known me pre-blogging, and people who don't know me in real life, have no fucking idea what my life -- childhood and adulthood -- has been like. For starters, no couple faced with years of infertility would ever describe themselves as "charmed". Is the fact I've lost the two children they said I would never have finally enough for you to end your admitted jealousy of me once and for all? Because this is my life. This is how the story goes. The miracles for everyone else become my curses. Always been like that. Always will be. Yes, I bounce back. And I do it with vigor. I do my best to pick myself up, dust myself off, and smile through the darkness while seeing the glass as half-full -- because I refuse to play the role of the victim for long. Especially when I have my best friend standing right here beside me every day for the rest of our lives. With love like that, it isn't all bad. But just because you weren't around for the ride during the dark days doesn't mean they haven't been on the calendar. So welcome to wherever you are. I suggest helmets and shoulder-restraints. It might be bumpy around these parts for awhile...

The only light in all of this has been my husband, our families and our friends. I couldn't ask for better support. I can't imagine going through anything like this without them. And some of the stories I've read in e-mails and comments since Wednesday have broken my heart all over again. Our own pain pales in comparison to them. I know this. And as much as I'd like to think I didn't need another life lesson -- or more character -- maybe I did. I know the things that were important a couple of weeks ago mean absolutely nothing now. And the things I've taken for granted never will be again. My view of my self -- and my world -- has been permanently altered. I think that just may be a good thing. At least, I hope it is. I don't want to ever believe this much hurt and despair was all in vain.

Well I know we're dying
And there's no sign of a parachute
In this chapel little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
And some elegance
No, we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful
Why does there gotta be a sacrifice?

-Tori Amos, penned after her miscarriage in '96
posted at 02:03 PM | link-

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Hold On
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time can tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing

My love, you know that you're my best friend
You know that I'd do anything for you

And my love, let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or
Am I...
At the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And will see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Oh God,
If you're out there won't you hear me?
I know we're never talked before...

And oh God
The ones I love are leaving
Won't you take them when they come to your door?

Am I in heaven here or
Am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we will see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell...

-Sarah McLachlan

UPDATE: Please note that I upgraded to MT 2.6 and closed additional comments on this entry, as I never intended for it to have comments in the first place. Thank you for respecting that in the future. And thanks to everyone who took the time to dig around my site in order to leave the kind words that they did. We truly appreciate every single one of them.
posted at 01:45 AM | link-

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Nobody told me there'd be days like these
[wisdom for the ages]

posted at 12:38 AM | link-

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Energy in a bottle?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
posted at 01:30 PM | link-

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Me lose brain? Uh-oh.
I know there's got to be a doctor or two out there somewhere... Has there even an official documented case of a brain exploding or imploding after doing a routine, repetitive task over and over and over again? I'm just askin'.
posted at 01:23 AM | link-

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I have a little salt handy - where's an open wound?
Official 2002-03 ATPTB Bucs Football Quote of the Season: "Lets be realistic - come talk to me when the Lucks actually play and beat a team with a winning record." - iggles

My team just won Super Bowl XXXVII -- how about you, and every other smack-talker I've endured this past season, come back and talk to me now, hmmmm? Nah, I didn't forget my promise. Real blondes never do. Sometimes girls just know more about football than you.
posted at 12:51 AM | link-

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You can go back again
I don't care what anyone else says. They were good. Damn good!
posted at 11:18 PM | link-

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Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

This is a bottle of Philosophy's 7-Day Juice Fast in Lime. I received it as a present for my birthday.

I don't think I'm supposed to notice that almost ½ of the bottle is now missing, even though I've used that scent twice.

But we'll just let it be our little secret, mmmk?
Man, he feels like a woman!

posted at 06:44 PM | link-

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Indecision...it's what's for dinner
Note to my husband...the following conversation only works when you call me on the cell phone...not your work line!

Me: Any ideas of what you want for dinner tonight?
Him: I'm leaving that up to you.
Me: Oh no, not after you shooting down everything I suggested last night. It's your turn to pick tonight! You're the one with the bum ticker.
Him: What? What was that? I think...(fake-static sounds)...we're breaking up. I (more fake static sounds) can't hear you. Going... To... Have... To... Call... You... Back... Later... You pick! Bye!

We go together like rama-lama-lama ka-dinky da-dingy dong.
posted at 05:35 PM | link-

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We're happy together
I must be doing something right... I got jewelry this weekend and roses this evening:

So much for that whole "seven year itch" thing!

posted at 07:47 PM | link-

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It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth
[Brrrrrrr!]

Last week I whined that Tampa Bay was dipping into freezing digits. Well this weekend it's going to dip into the 20s here! The 20s! Yeah, yeah. I know. You're at -16° windchill right now and don't have much sympathy for us. But ask yourself this. Do you have a coat? Do you own gloves? Do you wear thermal underwear? Well you're already doing better than we are. We have one coat to split between us. Everything else is lightweight jackets. I only own about five pairs of socks, none of them thick.

And with our humidity down here, it sinks into your bones. Our blood has thinned out. We'll readily admit we're weather-wussies after six years in the Bay area, but after '95-'96 in Philly (lowest temps and highest snow totals in the city's history), I know cold. And this...is cold. But go ahead. Laugh at us all you want. When you have to take out a second-mortgage just to make a fruit salad and have a glass of juice in about 3 months, I'll kindly redirect you right back here...
posted at 05:59 PM | link-

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Nacho!

Is there anything more satisfying to you...and more repulsing to them...than Dorito-breath? Who wants to kiss me now? *bwah ha ha*
posted at 06:18 PM | link-

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A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
My husband bought me jewelry tonight!

Isn't it lovely? The gift that keeps on giving, I do believe...
posted at 12:56 AM | link-

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Thank your Gnome, kids

Right-click to save :: OTF for XP or OS-X :: the slightly revised TTF
posted at 10:07 PM | link-

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Play fo' the doh - stay for the show
So I'm burning one of these right now -- a Coconut Cake tart warmer from Yankee Candle. Thing is, it doesn't smell a thing like coconut cake. Oddly enough, it smells like fresh Play-doh to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that...but it just seems very "odd". I'll have to get the Dick's opinion.
posted at 07:04 PM | link-

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No more words

Font credit and my undying thanks go to: His Gnomeyness

UPDATE: Here's an OTF for XP or OS-X!
posted at 02:42 AM | link-

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Call me...on the line...
Just got to watch the replay of Friday's "Call For Help" with the meester. I made a sound file of my bit part just in case you wanna hear. Too cool -- thanks again Chris!

Friday's episode also had a great segment on downloading free fonts (and making them). GimmeFonts.com is a new one (to me) that looks great -- and they also recommended another favorite FontFace.com.
posted at 08:29 PM | link-

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This time will be the last time...
While trying to catch up on all of my New Year's greetings, I've noticed an abundance of New Year's resolutions being listed in various blogs. I don't do well with the concept of annual resolutions. So I live by the rule if I don't make 'em, I don't break 'em. That's not to say that I don't set mini and large-scale goals for myself every year. But I do it on a much smaller time-scale, in a realistic sense I know I can achieve. I've always been that way.

How about you... Are you making resolutions this year?

If you answered yes, do you expect to keep all of them?

Last but not least, will you still be writing 2002 on your checks in February like me?

posted at 02:36 AM | link-

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