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Open keyboard drawer. Insert forehead. Slam. Repeat.
 Well, some of these aren't the quality I've been used to in the past, but I have updated the 2002-03 mailbag at "Please Puff Daddy Ruin This Song, Too" (starting here).


        A select few quotes include:

all yall mutha fuckas need to get a fucking life and stop hatin on my man the system is designed to bring the black succesful man down and thats what yall TRYIN to do but i aint gonna let it happen go fuck yourselfs [link]

My name is Kimberly ****** and I am from New Jersey. I am 13 years of age with a voice of Mariah Carey. I am not trying to brag or seem conceeded about myself either. I just wanted to let all of you know that I am young and I am looking to do and make something of my talent. I have a God's gift and I am not going to sit around and wait for it to be taken away. And just like P. Diddy, I take my talent seriously... [link]


Now keep in mind while going through the mailbag (good for hours and hours of free entertainment) that I basically haven't touched the site since 1998. At all. It has been updated exactly once (when Puffy changed his name to P. Diddy) since then, other than to add to the mailbag 2-3 times a year. But still the hate mail pours in... Hey, at least it's nice to be playah-hated on for another site of mine for a change.
posted at 04:41 PM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






Sixty minute man...give or take fifty
 Rapper Busta Rhymes has made a somewhat unusual request for his backstage room at tonight's MTV Music Awards. He wants two boxes of condoms. Personally, I don't find the request all that impressive Mr. Rhymes -- although I'm quite sure that was your intent. The average box of condoms has 12 each for a grand total of 24 requested condoms. The awards ceremony is slated at 3 hours long. Add in another hour for pre-show preparations, and you've got 4 hours total. Divide 240 minutes by 24 condoms, and you get exactly 10 minutes per lay -- not accounting for the time you might actually be presenting, performing, and/or in the audience. My what stamina you've got there, Busta. *swoon*


    Other star requests include:
  1. Six bottles of Cristal champagne, of course (Ja Rule)
  2. Drinking straws, to save her lipstick obviously (Shakira)
  3. 48 towels -- is there a significance to that number? (Pink)
  4. Nintendo games console (Justin Timberlake)

Oh to be so famous, rich, spoiled, footloose and panty free!
posted at 05:07 AM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






Kiss traditional animation goodbye
 This entry was written by a guest-blogger -- my husband Todd. Enjoy:


This is what I call "disturbing news". A mistake is about to be made. A fork in the road of history is about to be reached. And to be honest, I'm not sure there is anything we can do about it.

Word is that Disney will be closing the door on traditional 2-D animation in the coming months, and if you were an employee in the animation studios, you were either told to drop your pen and paintbrush and pick up a computer, or you were shown the door.

Traditional animators are a dying breed in the new 3-D culture at Walt Disney, as Michael Eisner declares that "2-D is dead". Eisner has panicked given the poor box office that movies like Atlantis and Treasure Planet, for example, have shown. Disney has two traditional animated features in the pipeline for the coming year, Brother Bear and Home on the Range. Those are expected to be the last feature films featuring 2-D hand-drawn animation that Disney produces.

The same thing is happening at Dreamworks, where Jeffery Katzenberg had, in the past, made it his mission to reinvent classical animation. Well, after Katzenberg had flops of his own in Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (I guess every Dreamworks title has to be subtitled...), he too is panicking and beginning to focus exclusively on computer animated features.

What probably didn't help these gentlemen in their irrational thought processes is that Pixar studios, makers of the excellent Toy Story films, A Bug's Life and Monsters Inc. just had a tremendous box office smash hit with the computer animated Finding Nemo.

What they failed to realize through visions of dollar signs dancing in their heads, is that although Pixar is a CG studio, it is first and foremost a teller of compelling stories. And therein lies the fatal error that Disney and Dreamworks have yet to discover.

Take a look at the film that won the inaugural Oscar for Best Animated Feature - Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away. This feature was almost entirely hand drawn, painstakingly, over a process of several years. Miyazaki himself is intimately involved with every frame of his films, and the quality shows. He has been rewarded for it.

But there is something more sinister at work here, and that is the potential loss of an art form so that these animation houses can continue to churn out low quality stories in order to sell more cross merchandised junk. It started to happen sometime not long ago. The studios became more interested in selling you the toys, clothes, and food items that were branded with the films name, than actually telling you a story.

The problems with the traditional animated studios are deep here in the U.S. Above and beyond the inability within the last five years to put together a film that actually tells a story that is worth seeing, one of the biggest errors that animated film producers have made recently is an asinine use of Hollywood film actors to voice the characters of their animated fare instead of hiring voice talent that's trained to do that kind of work. Why are Brad Pitt and Michael J. Fox and Catherine Zeta-Jones doing voice work? They aren't voice actors. They're just actors, and often poor ones at that. I have found famous voices distracting in animated features for years, and voiced that opinion regularly. The quality of the voice acting has gone down since the early 90s when films like Aladdin and The Little Mermaid served as a renaissance for Disney.

3-D animation continues to look fake as well. There is something distracting in it visually that I can't place my finger on yet, and I can't quite suspend disbelief at times. Granted, a compelling story will help alleviate this a great deal, but aside from Pixar and Dreamworks' Shrek (which could have been a lot better than it was), no one is producing quality 3-D animated stories right now. The horrible Final Fantasy comes to mind as a computer animated film (with Hollywood voice talent) that just wasn't ready to be made, technology wise or vis-a-vis the storyline.

I feel that 3-D animation is really a novelty right now, and audiences are seeing some of these films just for the "wow" factor of "look what they can do with computers". As the audience's tolerance level matures, I suspect we will see a corresponding drop in the numbers of computer animated film revenue - so long as they cannot tell a compelling story.

Let us all hope that an art form is not lost forever as thousands of pen and paintbrush animators are kicked to the curb because of the severe lack of vision from the heads of these studios. I don't want to see all computer animated films. I suspect no one really does. What is it going to take to save traditional animation? Don Bluth jumped ship from Disney years ago and produced amazing films such as The Secret of NIMH and An American Tail, successfully challenging his former employer and forcing them to rethink their entire game. We should all hope that a star emerges from cuts at these animation studios that can rise up and again challenge them and force compelling animated stories to be told on their own merit.
posted at 08:02 PM | link--it | mail it | (25) shout it






This second-hand living, it just won’t do
 Lollapalooza: Then and Now (from FARK.com)

I'll never forget camping out overnight for hours back in college with Kitty down in Dallas for tickets to the '92 show -- Chili Peppers, Ministry, Ice Cube, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Lush, and Jesus and the Mary Chain. Or the euphoria we felt for being so close to the front of the line. Or the sheer letdown when they started handing out numbers just before the tickets went on sale, meaning your place in line meant absolutely nothing -- the number you were assigned meant your order. (Yep, some of the little hellions that showed up an hour before the tickets went on sale ended up with better seating options than we did.) Or the kick in the gut I received for getting the worst case of food poisoning in my life the day before the show and watching my roommate take off for Big D with the tickets I'd stood in line for -- and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. But $53.50 to see Jane's Addiction, A Perfect Circle, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Rooney, and The Donnas today? I think I'll pass... Thanks for the memories.
posted at 10:58 AM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






You make me feel like dancing
 Blender has named the 50 worst artists in music history. The only one that left me scratching my head and saying "huh?" was The Doors at #37. C'mon people. You gave up a spot on the list for Leo Sayer for that? Other than said-Doors CD -- here are the CDs I've purchased or owned by other bands on the list:

  1. Tin Machine - Tin Machine - at #12 (Bowie in the $1.99 bin ain't all bad...ok, maybe this time it is)
  2. Richard Marx - Richard Marx - at #30 (it was the best of times, it was the worst of times)
  3. Live - Throwing Copper and Mental Jewelry - at #34 (it's a never-ending debate in this household, I can't help myself and Todd cringes every time)
  4. Blind Melon - Soup - at #40 (Galaxie is one of my all-time favorite songs so deal with it)
  5. The Spin Doctors - Pocket Full of Kryptonite - at #46 (you show me the early 90s college student without a copy, or a copy of a copy of this CD, or a roommate sans one of the above, and I'll call you a freakin' liar)
  6. Toad the Wet Sprocket - Fear - at #49 (actually I didn't buy this one, it was a gift from someone that knew I liked "All I Want")
Leave your purchases in the comments if you'd like. It can be our own little support group of sorts... (Link courtesy of FARK.com.)
posted at 10:41 AM | link--it | mail it | (18) shout it






Maybe you'll get a replacement - there's plenty like me to be found
 "It’s hard to take seriously anyone reminscing on the ’70s who was born in 1981. Cough - Kelly Rowland - cough." —Test Pattern on VH1's new series "I Love the 70s"

UPDATE: Michele briefly blogs about this series as well today.
posted at 04:21 AM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






My love don't cost a thing...really
 If smelling like J-Lo isn't enough for you, now you can have a replica of the rock Ben gave her for only $39.95. But wait! There's more. For that low, low price you can even afford to send your fiancé to a strip club so you can throw it at him in the parking lot when he exits.

Ain't that America for you and me?
posted at 04:52 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it






Irv, we were never IN aisle seven!
 Quote of the day:

"I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great ... and they are. They are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious."
posted at 04:15 AM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






And.....twins!
 Countdown to the Playboy spread in T-minus 5...4...3...2...1! (Link via FARK.com.)
posted at 12:16 PM | link--it | mail it | (18) shout it






Do not pass Go...
 If FARK'ers made Monopoly cards...these submissions are priceless!


[Lumbergh]

[J Lo]
posted at 01:14 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






The stars at night are big and bright
 Amazing how a one-night bender during a supposed break-up could keep most of us fed and housed for months on end.

At least FARK is there to help us put it all in perspective!
posted at 09:46 AM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Dude, where's my General Lee?
 You have GOT to be kidding me... Ashton Kutcher is remaking "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie-style. (He'll play Luke Duke and Paul Walker will play Bo Duke.) But who has Ashton handed the part of Daisy Duke over to, you might ask? None other than Britney Spears. Give me a break. I'd put Shannon Elizabeth in that role long before the teen queen. Who would you cast in the role(s)?

UPDATE: Jen has blogged about this, too!
posted at 08:50 AM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






D-I-V-O-R-C-E
 So I predicted "and they said it wouldn't last" way back in March 2002... (By now I'm sure you've all heard that Liza Minnelli and David Gest have split.) I know, I know. I was too shaken this weekend to even blog about it. Well new reports are suggesting the divorce battle is gonna get ugly -- and I don't think we're just talking close-up photographs of the pair either. So pull up a chair. I've got the popcorn!
posted at 04:24 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it



Smells like Teen Spirit
 Just can't get enough of smelling like celebs? Now we have J. Lo, the Sequel -- "Still Jennifer Lopez". She seems to think she's Marilyn-esque in the new ad campaign. I...think not. I am amused, however, that Coty seems to be releasing all of the 'high-end' celebrity fragrances now. Because we all know nothing says high class and sophistication like a bottle of Coty Wild Musk from Tarjhét!
posted at 12:47 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it



Stuck in the middle with you
 A new movie is coming out just for Statia! I am so there.
posted at 10:45 AM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Would you care for a suckle of my zipple?
 "We wanted to call it The New TNN -- The Nipple Network -- but then again we thought maybe Spike Lee had a nipple and we might get sued for that!" —Pamela Anderson, on the new Spike TV and Spike Lee's battle with Viacom over the name
posted at 02:31 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac
 So I just wrote Dave Letterman's CBS Mailbag for the first time ever. Inquiring minds wanna know... What gives with the dark suits, dark loafers, and (always) white socks? These are the little things that keep me awake at night.
posted at 07:16 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it



Icy Cokes, thick shakes, sundaes and apple pies
"And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man would live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald's said to Man 'You want fries with that?' And Man gained pounds." —Author Unknown
Ain't it da' truth, baby? Ain't it da' truth... (Link via Sensible Erection.)
posted at 11:27 AM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






My love don't cost a thing
 So admit it. You're sitting at home watching "Ben and Jen" right now, aren't you? I won't tell anyone. Honest.
posted at 10:30 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






I want candy
 I need something light and fluffy around here right now...so hows-about we all share our favorite childhood candy? Mine, hands down, would have to be Zotz. I loved to make those suckers foam up in my mouth. ('Splains a lot doesn't it?) Here's a few ideas to get you started...

Pixy Stix, Gold Rock Nugget Bubble Gum, Charms, Nerds, Sprees, Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Atomic Fire Balls, Lemonheads, Tart 'n' Tiny, Now & Later, Boston Baked Beans, Candy Buttons, Laffy Taffy, Pop Rocks, Candy Lipstick, Sixlets, Candy Necklace, Big League Chew, Rock Candy, and DOTS
posted at 09:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (23) shout it



Be good be good be good be good, Johnny
 Johnny Depp is 40 now?!? I think I need a Geritol...
posted at 05:39 PM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it






You've got fires banked down in you - hearth-fires and holocausts
 This is something I was so upset about when I heard the news last night, I couldn't even bring myself to blog about it. We named one of the twins we lost Katharine, a name we'd had picked out for years. I figured what greater gift to give a woman, than to be named after someone so wise, strong and independent. That should just about say it all. Rest in peace, Ms. Hepburn. You will never be equaled.

"This is one of those days that the pages of history teach us are best spent lying in bed..." —The Philadelphia Story
posted at 06:57 AM | link--it | mail it | (0) shout it



Gentlemen prefer
 Don't forget...today is National Blonde Day..."to promote awareness and equality for blondes and non-blondes alike". Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
posted at 06:34 AM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it






Call me...on the line
 Things that do not help someone with 'stomach issues' while stuck in bed for the weekend... Endless loops of the new James Carville "infone" commercials. Now, I don't hate the man. Most do -- I don't. I happen to find him amusing most of the time. So sue me. But if I have to see his boxer-wearing, bare-legged, calf-scratching pasty gams one more time this weekend -- I'm thinking of bringing a class-action lawsuit. Want in? It's...icky.
posted at 12:37 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






The chicken dance
 Jason Alexander has been fired as the KFC spokesman. Sure, sure it's most likely because he pressured them to be more ethical with the raising and killing of their chickens... But I can guarantee you I'll be buying one of their products before I'll be watching another one of his! Good riddance.

UPDATE: KFC has confirmed the story, and denies PETA's involvement in the outcome.
posted at 06:03 PM | link--it | mail it | (17) shout it



Diamonds are a girl's best friend
 Ok, here is something I don't get... Why do people insist on packing jewelry in their luggage when they fly? You hear stories of people losing it all the time. Do they honestly expect bag handlers to hold their bags with white gloves, gingerly placing them on bubble-wrap covered conveyor belts? Rapper Lil' Kim had $250,000 worth of jewels stolen from her luggage at NYC's JFK Airport last Friday. The jewelry stolen included a "white and yellow diamond-encrusted gold necklace with a crowned 'B', and platinum dog tags filled with yellow diamonds". I wouldn't put costume jewelry in my bags for fear it would be mistaken -- much less a quarter-mil worth of it! If you're that stupid, you pretty much deserve what you get in my opinion. Sorry, but I just do not feel sorry for you dearie... I feel sorry for your insurance company.

UPDATE: There's an update to this story left in my comments.
posted at 08:28 AM | link--it | mail it | (16) shout it






Whoomp! There it is...
 We're watching a cool show on the History Channel right now -- "Comic Book Superheroes Unmasked". I wish they'd offered a class like this back when I was in college...

Which also brings me to, a brand new group 'comic blog' that Michele just launched called Four Color Hell. "Simply, this is a blog about comics. Reviews, essays, rants and raves, industry news - anything at all to do with comics." So there you have it!
posted at 10:07 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






Let's get physical
 It's quickly becoming a Thursday tradition...it's time to play "let's slam J-Lo"...

Curvy singer-actress Jennifer Lopez demanded museum bosses in London make her Madame Tussaud's waxwork more slimline. The sexy star was reportedly unhappy with the famous museum's newly installed model of her -- particularly their interpretation of her trademark bottom.

So Lopez, who often boasted how proud she is of her voluptuous derriere, asked Tussaud's to shave 10 pounds of wax off her behind.

A museum source tells Britain's the Daily Star, "We always show artists and managers the final waxwork of themselves.

"It's only fair -- but with J.Lo, she wasn't too pleased.

"She suggested we'd gone a bit off on her behind, so we offered to rake some away.

"All in all she wanted about 10 pounds to be taken off, [and] naturally we meet the star's wishes." [link]

She makes my job way too easy. Seriously...
posted at 09:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it



No more tears
 Why, oh why, don't more movie theaters offer this option to help keep the 10 p.m. showings kidlet-free?
posted at 03:34 PM | link--it | mail it | (14) shout it






You'll shut me down with a push of your button
 [art*o*mat] "Art*o*mat machines are retired cigarette vending machines that have been converted to vend art. Currently, there are 49 active machines in museums and various locations throughout the country. The experience of pulling the knob alone is quite a thrill, but you also walk away with an original work of art. Ker-plunk! What an easy way to become an art collector." For more visit the Art*o*mat website.

Shame there's not any in Florida yet! (Link via Sensible Erection.)
posted at 06:28 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Hulk smash!
 Is anyone else as bugged by the CGI animation in the Hulk trailers as I am? It just looks so fake, cheap and cartoonish. I was really excited when the first trailer came out with Spider-Man last year (which didn't show the Hulk character yet), but the more new ones they release on TV now with him, the more annoyed I get. Maybe I'll change my mind if I read a few good reviews once it's released, but I'm no longer dying to see it on opening day -- and that's really disappointing!
posted at 02:57 PM | link--it | mail it | (37) shout it






Yes, words can't bring me down
 Ok seriously, it was time the girl ate something. Anything. And far be it from me to cast the first Twinkie when a sistah puts on a few pounds. Especially in this anorexic entertainment day and age. But honey, honey, honey -- you cannot dress like your former size-0 hoin' self when you're just...not...anymore. It's not even that you're "fat", regardless of what the 15-year olds on FARK and SE wanna say. Truth be known, you're probably still smaller than I am. But then again, I don't leave the house in three strips of electrical tape and some fishnet either...
posted at 03:24 PM | link--it | mail it | (27) shout it



I'm not that innocent

"London's Madame Tussaud's museum are making an image of the singer [Britney Spears] that features her in a sexy pole-dancing pose, with her back arched and chest thrust out.

They will also incorporate a 'breathing' mechanism in the $73,000 likeness.

A source tells Britain's the Sun, 'For the first time we are installing balloons in her chest so it heaves in and out.'" [link]

Can someone please explain to me how exactly the wax version differs from the real version then? Happy Friday the 13th everyone!
posted at 09:09 AM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






Don't try this at home
 I'm not feeling so hot this evening, so we're curled up on the couch watching the "That's Incredible" Reunion. I'm not sure which is more incredible. The stunts. Or that thing John Davidson calls 'hair' on the top of his head...
posted at 08:46 PM | link--it | mail it | (3) shout it



If she's a virgin, I'm up for sainthood

"Jennifer Lopez is virtually a virgin, according to loved-up Ben Affleck. The woman's been with, like, five guys in her whole life,' announced gallant Ben, exposing the intimate details of his fiancee's love life in a recent interview. 'There aren't many virgins in their thirties,' he said, having evidently hunted high and Lo. 'Jen's about as close as you're likely to find, certainly in Hollywood.' This kind of logic seems also to have infected pure-as-driven-Snowpez. 'I have such respect for the institution of marriage,' opined the Latina lovely after a raunchy photo shoot. 'I don't believe people should spend their lives together if they're not going to be totally happy.' A woman of principle, it has taken three weddings and counting for her to prove just how much respect she has for holy bond of matrimony." [link]

And in other Dumb and Dumberer news, Jennifer has apparently fired the manager responsible for her meteoric rise to the top because fiancé Ben 'made it clear he was not happy with the way her image was being managed'. A source says, "He hated how Benny [Medina] created this diva image of Jen. It was like the studio was dealing with two stars not one. And she was blamed for it. Jennifer never really cared. Benny made her." Mmmm...hmmm... She's a diva because Benny made it look that way. Not because she's a money-grubbing, tantrum-throwing, twat-snot. Yep, that must be it! (Read more at The Daily Dish.)
posted at 05:28 PM | link--it | mail it | (14) shout it






Show mommy how the piggies eat
 Oh wonderful. Another year of "poor, fat Renee" jokes -- and how amazing she is for losing all that weight -- ahead. They're making a sequel to "Bridget Jones's Diary". You have to pity her for these 'grueling preparations' that take 'guts':

"You've got to eat 20 [doughnuts] a day for five weeks to get results...absolutely no exercise and a daily intake of 4,700 calories. Breakfast is a Big Mac and large fries, savoury scones with gravy and a high-fat milkshake. A snack lunch includes pizza, peanut butter and chips, washed down with the aforementioned doughnuts...a giant plate of spaghetti Bolognese with potatoes and butter." [link]

Getting paid 15 million pounds for that? Where do I sign up? Personally, I think she looks much better when you can't count the individual bones in her ribcage area...but that's just me...
posted at 08:03 AM | link--it | mail it | (23) shout it






Come up and see me, make me smile
 Yes, you're funny -- but if you make me tear up one more time, Dat Phan -- I'm coming to Vegas to personally kick your ass. This is a comedy show!

Anyone else out there watching?
posted at 10:00 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it



Mohr, Mohr, Mohr!
 Finally, a "reality TV" show we can all watch without living with a secret shame... Jay Mohr's "Last Comic Standing" has its two-hour debut tonight on NBC. Oh yeah!
posted at 07:47 AM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it






I made my bed...I'll lie in it
 A follow-up on a recent entry of mine:

"...I especially apologize to Ms Hayek, who is nothing if not brilliant, with a loving relationship and a massive IQ, not to mention a firm grip and style with the English language." —Courtney Love [link]

Sounds like someone got a stern talking-to. She's such a twit!
posted at 08:05 PM | link--it | mail it | (1) shout it



The Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
 This is too cool -- NASA is putting Marvin the Martian and Daffy Duck (click for photos) on two NASA Mars Exploration Rover Missions this summer. Must. Get. Them. (Link from Sensible Erection.)
posted at 02:36 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






The movie of my life
[breakfast, lunch and dinner at tiffanys]

I ran across this whilst hunting for images to go on another site tonight. Just had to pass it along. Hmmm...I wonder if the Krispy Kreme "hot sign" is on?
posted at 11:12 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






They had style - they had grace
 Now this could be something... Gwen Stefani is about to sign on to play silver screen starlet Jean Harlow in Martin Scorsese's "Aviator" about the life of Howard Hughes. Leonardo DiCaprio will star as Hughes. Cate Blanchett is in talks to play Katharine Hepburn, and Kate Beckinsale as Ava Gardner. It should be interesting to watch this one unfold.
posted at 11:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it



Hurt me, baby. Make me write bad checks.
 Tonight, if you'll please excuse me, I'm joining jewdez in trading my monitor for telly to watch me some Stiffmeister and Justified. Oh mama (photo 1, photo 2)!
posted at 08:27 PM | link--it | mail it | (14) shout it






You better work it girl
 Ethiopian with a bad bleach job, or heiress to 4-star hotel fortune? You make the call... One has to give her credit for creative crotch taping though. While we're on the topic of cocktail napkins as attire, and teased blonde extensions gone wrong... At least we know the 'bleach shortage in Hollywood' report was just a rumor!

These girls need to seriously give it up, and just call Beyonce's stylist! For several pages of -- sometimes frightening -- MTV Movie Awards arrivals, visit Big Pictures USA (gallery 1, gallery 2).
posted at 12:11 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it






You said it!
 Poor, misunderstood celebrities...
  1. "I think that's one of the only reasons God created celebrities. To help those who can't help themselves." —Milla Jovovich

  2. "...I wasn't about to wear some golf shirt with a collar. I went out on the links in three-inch high heels and barely anything on and they didn't seem to mind." —Mariah Carey, announcing her desire to design a new line of golf clothing (just announced on Rome)

  3. "I know Miss Lopez is supposed to have a reputation as a bit of a diva, but this is ridiculous." —Monaco Grand Prix insider, after J-Lo was passed up for Naomi Campbell and Helena Christensen when first-class flights for herself, fiancé Ben Affleck and entourage, five nights in a hotel and a $25,000 fee weren't enough for her appearance (she demanded $412,000 and was ceremoniously uninvited)

  4. "He and the rest of this production's cast are so desperately eager to please that they practically French kiss the front row." —Los Angeles Times critic Reed Johnson on Jason Alexander's performance in "The Producers" (Note to Jason: You haven't been funny since Seinfeld. Get over yourself already.)

  5. "We will have a new generation throughout the world that will know Madonna as an inspiring storyteller." —Nicholas Callaway, editor and publisher of Madonna's new children's book (Note from Robyn: Old generations already know her as an inspiring storyteller?)

  6. "'If I die, I will leave Edward everything." —Courtney Love, on pining away for Edward Norton (Note to Courtney: Uhhhh, shouldn't that be going to Frances Bean?)

    But don't worry about Edward's affections being elsewhere, because Courtney also states: "'He'll never marry her [Salma Hayek] - for one, he can barely understand half of what she's saying."

  7. "'Michael's career is rock bottom and he's hoping Puffy can help him reclaim his crown as the King of Pop." —unnamed source, on Jacko and P. Diddy making plans to go into the studio to lay down some tracks later this month (Note to the freak-duo: Yeah, that'll fix everything. Good plan. I guess just insisting everyone call you the King of Pop isn't making it so, now is it?)
I think my IQ just dropped 15 points. I really have to stop doing this.
posted at 12:57 PM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it






You hate Celine because she is better than you
 I ask you -- did the world really need this? I'm seriously smacking the first person I see buying it upside the head...
posted at 11:23 PM | link--it | mail it | (25) shout it






You're about as easy as a nuclear war
 An update to the post below...
  1. First U.S. show in Costa Mesa, CA
  2. Official site with more tour, and presale ticket, information
  3. John Taylor's official site (thanks Elfchick!)
All I have to say is they'd better be adding a Florida date or two to the list soon!
posted at 01:26 PM | link--it | mail it | (3) shout it



I said it again, but could I please rephrase it
 Ok, I need a moment here... Duran Duran is back together and will be touring the U.S. soon. ALL of Duran Duran. Not those bastardized versions from the early 90s. I'm talkin' Simon LeBon, Nick Rhodes, John Taylor, Roger Taylor and Andy Taylor together on the very same stage.

To this day I'm traumatized that when I was 11, my best friend's mom got a huge block of tickets to a show for her birthday -- and my mom wouldn't let me go because she said I was too young to attend a concert, even with parental supervision. To make matters worse, one of the girls in the group caught Roger Taylor's towel. Granted, my crush was on Nick and Simon -- but still!

I'll be back later. I have some vinyl to dust off...
posted at 12:54 PM | link--it | mail it | (20) shout it






You didn't get none...'cuz you are on the welfare
 We are so heading here tonight after dinner. You may hate me now.


posted at 02:08 PM | link--it | mail it | (23) shout it






Who takes it? Who reigns supreme?
 Ok, here's the unofficial ATPTB "American Idol" poll -- who wins tonight? I'll hide the results once the real winner is announced so it won't spoil anything for the West Coasters. But this is your warning -- if you aren't watching the show live -- read the comments with caution!

results (results closed)
posted at 07:29 PM | link--it | mail it | (23) shout it






Idoltary
 So I hate to say it, but I think Clay blew Reub away in Round One. Thoughts? Opinions? Ouija Board predictions?

UPDATE: Notice LENNON went first!
posted at 08:19 PM | link--it | mail it | (18) shout it



Psychotic Psychic episode, take 2
 Just call me the Miss Cleo of the blogging world... Remember this last week? Well...

Troubled Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland has been released on $10,000 bail after being arrested for drug possession. The new singer in Guns 'N Roses offshoot band the Project was stopped by police just after midnight on Sunday for a routine traffic stop.

Burbank, Calif., Police Sergeant Tracy Sanchez explains, "It was for driving without his lights on."

Following this, the officers allegedly noticed that the singer had narcotics in the vehicle and arrested him -- although what sort of drug was found has not been named.

He was released around 5:30 a.m. later that morning. [link]

Call me now, chil'...
posted at 10:18 AM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Reloaded
 I won't give away any spoilers -- but two words: damn straight. And if you leave before the credits quit rolling, you're nucking futs. Happy Friday -- night all!
posted at 01:47 AM | link--it | mail it | (16) shout it






Kill. Your. Television.
 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word "life", it means forever and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else. The after-world. A world of never ending happiness. You can always see the sun -- day or night.

  1. An amusing summary of last night's American Idol.
  2. Just think how many Atari systems could have been sold if they paired with Playboy. Or if that's not your style, try Playmate strip-poker and strip-tac-toe. (games obviously not work-safe)
  3. So many jokes...so little time...
    iron buttocks
  4. "The villains in the [Matrix Reloaded] flick are a pair of white-skinned, white-haired, red-eyed twins, and groups representing albinos say the movie unfairly stereotypes pigment-challenged individuals. 'They’re not albinos,' a Warner Bros. rep snapped. They’re dead...'"
  5. Finally a Survivor All-Star Series -- just in time for none of us to care.
  6. Trista and Ryan say screw "honest and sacred" when a four-part ABC special on their wedding is involved. But at least we no longer have to ask, "What about Bob?"
And now...your moment of zen... In this life, you're on your own!
posted at 04:52 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it






18 and life to go

Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland has been named as the new vocalist for the band featuring former Guns N' Roses members Slash, Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum.

The rocker has already worked with the Project on upcoming tracks for movies "The Hulk" and "The Italian Job" and now he has beaten out former Skid Row star Sebastian Bach to become the group's permanent frontman.

He says, "I'm in the band. We signed the contract." [link]

I guess maybe someone should update their Dead Pool guesses with that lethal combo -- can you imagine Weiland, Slash and Duff on the same tour! And what an accomplishment beating out Sebastian Bach for anything in 2003 must be...
posted at 10:53 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it



Next poll
 Ok, Todd insists I take another poll... Ryan Seacrest. Light in the loafers? Closet Cher fan? Knows all lyrics to show tunes?



Inquiring minds wanna know. Of course, I probably would have dated him in high school, so I think that says it all right there.
posted at 08:39 PM | link--it | mail it | (11) shout it



Conspiracy theory
 So Todd and I are both under the impression that no matter what, somehow Kimberley will be safe on AI tonight. Y'know, to have that whole "girl vs. guy" thing goin' on in the final round. Do you think we're right?

I guess we'll find out in just under an hour, regardless! Feel free to rant away here...

[AI poll] (voting disabled)

Left-coasters, you're in for a bumpy ride. Don't click for more!

UPDATE: This is why we haven't been to Vegas I guess. Whoa. Final vote here was 10 yep votes, 5 nope votes.
posted at 08:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it






Baby, won't you do me like you done before
[Robyn paper doll]

Sensible Erection now has a Robyn paper doll. (Not my namesake.) But just in case you've been dying to dress and undress your very own Robyn all day in the privacy of your own home, now here's your chance.

I, of course, took a few liberties with my rendition to make it my own...
posted at 11:43 PM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it



Vital Idol
 American Idol thoughts tonight? Comments? General snarking?

C'mon -- it's ok to admit it. We won't tell anyone you're watching the show. And I totally caught that Clay blew the words to his first song before the judges even made mention of it...and I'd never heard the song before...
posted at 08:46 PM | link--it | mail it | (19) shout it






Come and knock on our door
 Don't call tonight. If you do, I won't answer. Forget your e-mails being returned in a timely manner. The event I've been waiting for all year is finally here*. "Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Three's Company" airs tonight! Oh goodie! So who's gonna make the Regal Beagle drinking game up ahead of time?

*Man, that was hard to type with a straight face!

UPDATE: Here's the link you've all been waiting for -- the TV Show Theme Song Lyric Index.
posted at 05:50 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it



I cannot compete with fajitas - they sizzle
 Mitch Hedberg is heading back to Tampa this coming weekend. Unfortunately we feel too po' right now to attend, but I thought I'd give everyone the heads-up. It was one of the funniest shows I've ever seen in my life. While digging around on his official website, I noticed they had finally used one of the photos I'd taken at the last show. (The webmaster at Mitch's site wrote me after finding my blog several months ago, and I sent him all the full-size originals upon request.) Considering a bouncer came over and told me to lose the camera -- I was trying to be sneaky sans-flash -- how cool is that?

(You can see the other pics I shot from the evening, starting here.)
posted at 12:47 PM | link--it | mail it | (3) shout it






Shut up and be a victim of authority
[Peligro!]

Make your own safety sign courtesy of the fine folks at Sensible Erection.

UPDATE: Thanks to Dave for the heads-up: Michele has an entire contest of these going on!
posted at 04:29 PM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






Insane in the membrane
 Am I the only one when viewing the Kodak digital camera "revenge" commercial.....(where a friend shaves off another friend's eyebrow in his sleep and then takes a photo of it and prints several copies only to hang the evidence from the ceiling and have the Kodak paper wonders tucked in every nook, cranny and party tray within eyesight at a large soirée the eyebrowless wonder soon appears at, with sassy-perturbed girlfriend in tow, only to call a "truce" with the camera-master friend he's apparently recently shaved one bald strip down the middle of the guy's head, whew!).....to scream, "JUST SHAVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD DUMBASS!" I mean, c'mon. A missing eyebrow is a little hard to disguise. But anyone walking around with a reverse mohawk only need seek solace with of a pair of Oster clippers for about 15 minutes. Otherwise, you're just beggin' for a discount-season pass on the special bus.
posted at 12:52 PM | link--it | mail it | (27) shout it






It's a good time for the great taste
 Todd and I just heard Fur Elise at the end of "While You Were Out". So I started singing the McDonald's commercial to the music and it cracked him up -- he'd totally forgotten about it. Wanna take a trip down memory lane with us?

Oh I wish I were already there, instead of here, playing this song.

And I would have a big chocolate shake, a cheeseburger, and also.....whoops.....and also fries.

And I would eat, my fries myself. And not give none, to my dumb brother. Hands off they're mine, all miiiiiine.

My recital is almost done, it wasn't bad. I'm still alive. And I can have my big chocolate shake, my cheeseburger, and also.....fries.
Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, Quarter Pounder, french fries, icy Coke, thick shake, sundaes, and apple pies!
posted at 10:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated
 Sensible Erection has been muuuuuch better than FARK lately:

  1. Orgasmic Calculator (click the buttons, but turn those speakers down)
  2. Error 404 ("And we will show those browsers no mercy whatsoever.")
  3. The Tard Blog (And before you go and flame me for the link, check out my former profession please)
  4. ThriftDeluxe -- DIY for the hip
  5. My Tiny Garden (amazing macro photos)

    BONUS ROUND: Blograffiti
So there you go... The perfect way to waste your afternoon, all thanks to me and SE!
posted at 01:32 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Kick Glick
 kickglick.jpg Loved him in "¡Three Amigos!".

"I think it's a male plane...didn't you notice its little balls?"

Semi-annoying in "Father of the Bride", but he made the part his own. It worked. And I can't forget Ed Grimley, I must say.

But oh. My. God. When are the big name stars going to quit sucking up to and legitimizing his Jiminy Glick character? Do they fear telling him "no"? The Glick skits were crap on the canceled-for-a-reason Martin Short Show. It's crap on Comedy Central. Oh, so you put on a fat suit. It makes your IQ drop. You make fat jokes. I get it. Har har. Funny. Har har. Does anyone out there actually find the show funny? I mean, seriously...
posted at 10:43 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it



And that's the way it was...
 We need another full moon. Strange news is severely lacking lately!

  1. First it was rumors of "Casablanca". Now after fulfilling Ben's fantasy with a Flashdance video, J-Lo is in talks to remake "Flashdance". Is nothing sacred with her?
  2. And they called it puppy love...
  3. Carson Daly drops $1K on lap dances during Derby weekend. For a grand, the bitch had better clean my house and wash the car, too!
  4. FARK headline: "Mike Price lost his job at Alabama after having sex* with what appears to be Dee Snider." (see photo)
  5. The Prostitution Film Festival -- with such classics as "vulva massage education". Ohhhhhhh...Delores!
And now...your moment of zen...

*Please note: It appears Price did not actually have sex with that stripper, although it's reported two others joined Price overnight in his hotel room. He did spend several hundred dollars while in Destiny's company, however.
posted at 01:57 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it






And the feeling that I feel for you is more than strong, girl - take it from me
 Oh holy geri-curl, Bat Man -- I'm never getting this song* out of my head now. (*Even though it's not technically a Bee Gees song and I think that's cheating.)


I Just Want to Be Your Everything

For so long
You and me been finding each other for so long
And the feeling that I feel for you is more then strong, girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key

Darling mine
I would wait forever for those lips of wine
Build my world around you, darling
This love will shine girl
Watch it and see
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key

I, I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me and not some puppet on a string
Oh, if I stay here without you, darling, I will die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

Darling for so long
You and me been finding each other for so long
And the feeling that I feel for you is more then strong girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key......

Song credit: Andy Gibb
posted at 08:25 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
 I think about the only person on the planet right now more stupid than Mike Price trashing a $10-million dollar deal at one of the best college football schools in the country thanks to this stripper named "Destiny" (ironic, no?) -- is Catherine Zeta-Jones for smoking while pregnant (and getting busted on camera for it). I guess the bitch was ready and deserving as well... Money may buy you happiness, but it obviously doesn't buy you a clue. If Zeta had kept her trap shut instead of filing yet another tabloid-lawsuit, most of us would have never known.
posted at 08:10 PM | link--it | mail it | (17) shout it



Automatic. Systematic. Hydromatic.
 Grease 3: It's Geritol Lightning! Coming soon to a theater near you. Sponsored by the fine folks at Propecia. What's great for the returning cast is that they now qualify for a senior citizen discount at the theaters. (Link courtesy of the hubby, who's still being an anti-blogite.)
posted at 01:12 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Well that's better
 I almost forgot today is a good holiday -- one that's a great excuse to party and drink! All better now...the week isn't totally lost afterall...
posted at 01:00 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it



Used to have a little, now I have a lot...
 A few more reasons to hate J. Lo -- as if you really needed any.

  1. She thinks her bum is better than Kylie Minogue's -- and she's willing to pay double for it, too. "So it's war. May the best arse win."
  2. She just might ruin "Austin Powers 4 -- For Your Thighs Only". Rental.
  3. She's just Jenny from the Block? Hardly. "Behind the Behind" is making claims she hails from a posh suburb and had a private education. Shocking, isn't it?
  4. No eye contact, do not speak to her for any reason unless spoken to first, address her as ma'am, and keep those fingernails red or clear please, ladies.
  5. "But Beeeeeeeeeen, if Russell's wife got her own private wedding chapel, I have to have one, too. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do..."
I will gladly give up my kingdom for a pair of front row tickets when her star comes crashing down to earth once and for all...
posted at 01:04 AM | link--it | mail it | (22) shout it






Take that, Ebert!

The first review of "The Matrix Reloaded": Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.....This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-fuck out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time.....This movie is tits! [review link (with spoilers) courtesy of Sensible Erection]

Now I'd like to take a moment for us... Only twelve fucking more days left! Aaaaaah!
posted at 12:58 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






Hey baby, I'm forever your girl
 Running across this a few weeks late obviously, but you knew someone had to do it eventually... The American Idol Drinking Game, dawg.

UPDATE: Who in the hell is the songwriter-judge this week? Her music sucks serious ass.
posted at 08:06 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it



Tuesday, shoot me in the head - I'm takin' it back
 Haven't done a "news not fit to print" wrap-up in awhile...so here goes:

  1. Looking at his academic photo, this guy just screams "child molester". I mean, c'mon.
  2. Gwen Stefani is going solo and wants to take up acting. Apparently she missed last year's Swept Away and Crossroads. (Thankfully, so did I.)
  3. Do they make a Hallmark for "Gee, I'm sorry I shot the groom on your wedding day"?
  4. SARS in a can -- now there's a concept that works! Soon with the slogan, "The refreshing drink that will take your breath away..."
  5. Best. Homemade Porno. Ever. (PG-rated, from Sensible Erection.)
And now...your moment of zen...
posted at 04:00 PM | link--it | mail it | (16) shout it






If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away
 "This is what the fuck I think I'm doing..." <snicker>
posted at 10:40 PM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it



Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
 This should almost be like a "don't ask, don't tell" blog entry I think. We watched "Maid in Manhattan" from Netflix tonight. It was so, so very bad. One of those 90 minutes of my life...gone...kinda deals.

So then Todd flipped over to regular TV and we caught the very tail end of Mr. Personality. We didn't even watch but five minutes, and we're both already creeped out. The whole masks and blindfolding thing -- it's just way too strange for me. And another thing... The most overused phrase on reality TV is now "on this journey". Everything is a journey. No it's not. It's a "let's see how long I can milk this thing 'til Playboy comes-a calling" experience. That's it. You want a journey? Book a safari to Africa, darlin'. It's pretty sad when the thing that's the least odd about your show is the fact Monica Lewinsky is the host.
posted at 10:07 PM | link--it | mail it | (17) shout it



Watch out boy, she'll chew you up
"The truth is, Marriott offered nothing in the way of intellectual stimulation, or entertainment, except for the occasional laugh at his own expense." —The Maneater, University of Missouri student newspaper
Gee, there's a review you didn't see coming. I realize it is Mizzou and all, but just exactly who did they think they were booking? At least OU invited the likes of Jimmy Fallon and Ben Stein. I mean, did they even watch the show? Marriott made a foot-fetish and bondage film actress look classy in comparison. When asked his opinion of the University of Missouri, Marriott replied, "It’s really cool because it is a college campus. There’s dorms. It has a very college campus feel." Wisdom for the ages, man... (Read more at MSNBC.com's "The Scoop".)
posted at 12:59 PM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






Can't nobody hold me down - oh no

Hold on to your wallets: The ever-entrepreneurial Sean "P-Diddy" Combs is ready to expand once again. In addition to being firmly planted in the world of Hip-Hop, Puff has also fancied himself a fashion designer, restaurateur and now video game guru. According to the New York Post, P Diddy's planning to create a video game based on - who else - himself that allow players to "create an entertainment conglomerate" by signing musical acts, spending mega bucks on marketing campaigns and acquiring assets. [link]

Oh. Goodie. I'd like to reserve my copy now, please.
posted at 05:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






Parting is such sweet sorrow
 Can you hear me whoopin' "YES!" from here? Although I think Carmen should have got the boot tonight, I'm not gonna complain. Buh-bye to you and your freaky bad extensions that are fake just like the rest of the package. I'm with Michele -- Skinemax here she comes!
posted at 08:59 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






It's now ruined rock 'n' roll to me
 For the love of God...can we just move beyond her tits, ass and fake hair color for like five seconds people, and finally admit...she has NO freakin' talent... At all. Please! I'm so sick of watching the judges gloss over her lousy performances in their summaries. Thank God Simon always attempts to at least somewhat put her in her place...
posted at 08:11 PM | link--it | mail it | (24) shout it



Inquiring minds wanna know
 I just realized we missed the season finale of NBC's "Ed" last Friday. Did anyone else out there catch it? I just want to know if it was another lame "will he choose Carol / will Carol choose him" kinda deal that you have to wait 'til next season for, or if they actually didn't leave you hanging for a change. Any summaries appreciated!

UPDATE: Forgot to mention... What in the hell is with all the season finales in April this year, anyway? First they push back the start of the season to mid-October on most shows. Now they try to wrap them up by mid-April. Do they think we also don't notice that most TV shows are 5-10% shorter with more commercials packed in as well? It wasn't always this way!
posted at 05:32 PM | link--it | mail it | (16) shout it



Putting the 'ass' in classy
 Ok, that's it. It's time to give up waiting on Matty to take care of business once and for all. We all need to get together and do the right thing now. Apparently Ben Affleck is so smitten with J-Lo that he's dropped $105,000 on a toilet seat cover for her encrusted with rubies, sapphires, pearls and a diamond. He told a friend, "Jennifer is my princess and she deserves only the best -- even when it comes to toilets." Well guess what, Baldie? Her shit still stinks just like everyone else's. Even more so than most, I would imagine.
posted at 02:05 AM | link--it | mail it | (22) shout it






Ghetto superstar
 Three guesses who I thought of first when I saw Ghettopoly.

Includes: Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Ho, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basketball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, and 2 Dice.
posted at 08:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Interehhhhsting...
Michael Moore...will raise even more eyebrows with his next project. According to Variety, his next film will depict the relationship between George Bush Sr. and the family of Osama bin Laden...a documentary that will trace why the U.S. has become a target for hatred and terrorism. "It certainly does deal with the Bush and bin Laden ties," Moore said. "It asks a number of questions that I don't have the answers to yet, but which I intend to find out." Moore has already put a year's worth of research into the film...he'll finish it in time for Cannes 2004...released in time for the presidential election that fall. (Read more at MSN Entertainment.)
This one will certainly be interesting to watch unfold!
posted at 12:49 AM | link--it | mail it | (23) shout it






Widdle piddle
 Kathy has sent me a couple of gems today. First, "Prescription Drug Safety", Onion-style. Second a very small, but very large, reason to always buy the warranty.
posted at 08:45 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it






The End
 When you're dropping the curtain on a bad last act, what do you play for the finale?


And God looked down over all the earth and He was sick unto His stomach.

"Ok!," he said. "All right! I am fed up. I am disgusted. I have had it. Enough is enough. Gabriel," He yelled, "blow your damned horn! I am putting an end to all that crap down there."

"Well, it's about time," said Gabriel, taking his horn out of its case. "Do you want a nice modern riff or something military, like taps, or maybe one good long, strong -----."

"I don't care what you blow," said God, "just blow! Make it loud; make it solid and final and of all eternity -- make it ring from heaven to hell and back; make it reach into all men's souls and fill them with the realization that this is it. Make it bang!"

"T.S.Eliot says the world ends with -----."

"I don't give a damn what T.S.Eliot says -- you just blow that horn like I tell you!" said God.

"All right," said Gabriel, "all right, but you don't have to yell at me. After all, I'm a musician, not a plumber. I've waited a long time for this gig and I'm not going to goof it. You just tell me how you're going to end it and I'll come up with something that cooks." And he fit the mouthpiece into his horn. "You going to have it rain for forty days and forty nights again?"

"Well," said God, "I haven't really given it much thought."

"Well, if you're thinking of having it rain, you'd better forget it -- they got new drainage systems down there!"

"Maybe I'll make an earthquake," God said, "That would really -----."

"No good," said Gabriel. "I could give you some great quaky music -- but lots of those houses are quake proof, and I imagine you want to get them all at the same time."

"Of course, of course," said God. "I know that. I wasn't seriously thinking of earthquakes.... A plague is more my style -- maybe a plague that -----."

"They're all vaccinated!"

"Vaccinated? Hmmm... of course... that is a shame, though... In the old days, you could make a plague that would strike down every male child that -----."

"You could try to blast them," Gabriel said.

"That's right," said God, "a few good thunderbolts would really -----."

"But their ABM defenses would probably stop them."

God sat back and thought for a while. Gabriel fingered his valves.

"I suppose everything is fireproof," God finally said.

"Everything but the slums," said Gabriel, "and if you burn those out, they'll only rebuild with modern developments."

God was silent for a long time.

"Listen," He said, smiling weakly, "what the hell. Maybe... maybe we'll just forget about it for now. Maybe I'll give them a little more time -- after all, they are my own children, aren't they?"

"Ok by me," said Gabriel. "You want to hear a little somethin' anyway... I mean, as long as I already got the horn out?"

"All right," God finally said softly, leaning back wearily in His chair and closing His eyes.

"Play me some blues!"


-Shel Silverstein, Playboy Magazine, December, 1970
posted at 09:40 PM | link--it | mail it | (3) shout it






The world's most dangerous band
 What happened to me? Is it old age? I used to hate Paul Shaffer. Hate him. When Dave would turn sideways at the start of the show, that was my cue to grab a drink. I'm not sure if it's turning 30 or what...but I find him freakin' hysterical now. I miss the hell outta Dave, but that opening singalogue was great tonight!
posted at 11:47 PM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






And all that jazz...
 Spotted over at Michele's...because he's doing it better than we are...
posted at 10:37 PM | link--it | mail it | (3) shout it



I am the greatest of all time
 Ok, let's do a pool right quick...who will be the first actor/actress/nominee to give a self-important, self-serving political speech this evening?
posted at 08:28 PM | link--it | mail it | (65) shout it






Duct (tape) and cover
 Ok, I've already mocked celebrities once today -- but this is just 'tawded enough to warrant its own entry. Some celebrities apparently will be wearing swatches of duct tape tomorrow evening at the Academy Awards ceremony. According to Yahoo! News, "that bit of anti-fashion is a sly reference to the government's suggestion several weeks ago that citizens buy duct tape to seal their windows from airborne poisons".

Ok, I can understand the dove peace pins. If the celebrity wearing it doesn't grab the mic and turn the awards ceremony into their own 10-minute political platform, fine. Wear the pin. Make your quiet statement. But just what message is the duct tape sending, other than "I'm a moron"? If you spot any celebrity wearing duct tape, snag a pic for me. I'll make them their very own Special Olympics ribbon to wear to next year's Oscar ceremony. At least then they'll be supporting the mentally handicapped on their red carpet duds, instead of becoming one themselves.

UPDATE: Perhaps Oscar attendees could get fashion tips here instead?
posted at 06:10 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it



Near, far, wherever you are...
 For immediate press release: I want to publicly announce that for security reasons, I will not be attending the 75th Academy Awards Ceremony tomorrow night at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California. I will remain at home, quietly watching the event with family.

*This entry has been typed with tongue firmly planted in cheek, because far be it for me to turn down the opportunity to be trendy.
posted at 12:39 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






My new-style American girlfriend
 File this under "no freakin' way" -- looks like there might be a sequel to "Sixteen Candles" titled "Thirty-Two Candles".

Molly Ringwald moves back to her hometown, and starts pining away for her boyfriend Jake, who she apparently followed to college. It didn't work out...and she subsequently lost touch with him.

Anthony Michael Hall, the triumphant hero rolls in, now a multi-millionaire vis-a-vis inventing some goddamn fancy-dancy search engine and...apparently hilarity ensues?

I have no idea about Long Duck Dong's possible involvement. (Read more at "Ain't It Cool News".)
Ok...let's lighten the atmosphere around here... Post your favorite quote!
posted at 09:26 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it



And now for something completely different...
 FARK is having another Photoshop contest -- your favorite collegiate mascot -- just in time for March Madness!
posted at 04:02 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print!
 And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this -- and that's it. And that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one -- I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.....
posted at 02:45 PM | link--it | mail it | (17) shout it






And the piano sounds like a carnival
 I couldn't even keep reading this...my stomach turned and my rage overtook me. So here's the question. Do you reward someone for their art -- even if that art is "Oscar-worthy" -- when you're all too aware of their past (illegal and immoral) actions? Are they separate entities or intertwined? Or do you a pull a MLB-and-Pete Rose and always dangle, but never quite award, the big prize? Hollywood has a history of forgiving and forgetting, and the timing of this release is very suspicious. But that said, I certainly wouldn't want to be a member of the Academy right now...
posted at 02:08 AM | link--it | mail it | (29) shout it






Speak & Spell
 Here's a beautifully designed site -- "Spell-A-Day". You can search for specific spells here, including one I know I'll need one day (right Chris?) -- "blessing an airliner". And here's a cute play-tarot reader with Playskool kids.


I've tried and tried
to capture you
what more can one
mere mortal do?

My love potion
boils and bubbles
poison darts
red poison apples

Kafe' kasita
non kafela
Gutrune takes Siegfried
from Brunhilde

Enula compana
on St. James' eve
a dash of orange
and ambergis

Incantate:
Miss Mary Mack
Mack Mack
all dressed in black

My love philtre
will entrance you
it will pomp and
circumstance you

Anusin, atelin, amulet
Angelique takes Barnabas
from Josette

With spiders ten
frae lockens blue
eye of newt
will stew and brew

Incantate
this magic spell
Miss Lucy's in heaven
and the steamboat's in hell

Enchantra Endora Tabitha
Esmerelda Clara Hagatha

My love potion
boils and bubbles
poof! goes all my
toil and troubles
blueberry wine
and gladiola
Circe takes Glaucus
away from Sylla

Coriander, vervain
and ginger root
damiana, henbane
and badger's foot
incantation
with magic black
and silver buttons
all down her back

Enchantra Endora Tabitha
Esmerelda Clara Hagatha

Song Credit: Book of Love
posted at 01:46 AM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






Pop quiz
 So what's one online product or service that you've purchased in the last six months and just couldn't live without now? Paying for Launchcast Plus is just about the best $3.99/mo I've ever spent...in case I haven't mentioned that lately... I don't think there's a single weekday that goes by when it's not on at least an four to five hours. No commercials, custom playlists, and the ability to pause, skip and permanently ban songs/artists is absolutely genius. If only they offered this for automobiles!
posted at 04:05 PM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it






Can't nobody hold me down...oh no
 [link to me!] New mail at "Please Puff Daddy P. Diddy, Ruin This Song Too!" (starting here)... Unfortunately there's not as much this time as usual. That's due to a tragic OSX upgrade, during which my husband forgot to make backups of my mail program, losing about 6 weeks of mail. Oops. But there are choice quotes such as:


you're just a total jackass thats jealous of p diddy success you're probably some sorry looking overweight meatloaf eating couch potateo. [link]


You're just mad because he has the balls to sample music from the losers that you listen to, and make it into decent head-banging music.So get off of his dick and try to find some talent in yourself. [link]


Enjoy...and don't say I never gave ya' nuthin'...
posted at 04:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



SAGging fashion
 Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no. I'm so ready for Oscar -- SAG's fashion was much too subdued!
posted at 03:13 AM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






And your penis is the star!
 Have you noticed the new Hollywood "must" -- the group sing-a-long? I first caught on to the new trend back when "My Best Friend's Wedding" was released. (You know, the "Say A Little Prayer" scene. I would wager $100 that if I put a table of my friends together in a restaurant, not a single one of them could belt out the chorus to that song -- much less the lyrics. And certainly not the entire table.) Taking it a step further is the group dance number à la peanut butter sandwiches from "She's All That". Now I went to not one, but three, high school proms in my day -- and not a single time did the entire room break out into a choreographed number that would make our state champion drill team turn green with envy. Your mileage may have varied. I've yet to see it (and probably won't unless forced), but "The Guru" combined the spontaneous group singing and dancing in its previews. "The Sweetest Thing" did it, too. And it looks like the hella-lame-in-the-previews "What a Girl Wants" is going to have its own little number as well. Hell, just about anything that could be labeled "date flick" these days has some variation of the above. Which brings me to...

We went to see "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" last night by default. (We just showed up at the theater to see what would be next.) Don't get me wrong. It was "cute". (How could it not be with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson?) It had its moments -- many of which were very funny. It followed the typical "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy and girl fight, boy realizes he can't live without girl, boy rushes off to right things and win back her heart only to realize she's taken off and he has only moments to find her and live happily ever after" cookie-cutter formula to a tee. The only thing it lacked to make it truly cliché was the group sing-a-long scene. But not to be disappointed, Matt and Kate did a karaoke-style duet (with Marvin Hamlisch on backup) to "You're So Vain".

Again, a song most of us know the main chorus to...but raise your hand if you can sing it top to bottom, left to right. And if you can, well I really can't help you there now can I?

Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong crowd. I don't know. But the day my dinner table busts out into a chorus of "When Will I Be Loved" over dinner -- much less hops up from the table to shake their bon-bons in sync all over the restaurant -- is the day I yell "Check please!" and hit Craig's List in search of new pals.
posted at 01:34 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






Hey alright! If I get by, it’s mine!
 I couldn't figure out why Claire was suddenly growling and doing that half-bark "urf!" thing, running back and forth between windows...'til it dawned on me... "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction had just come on my station. Silly doggie. Addiction's for kids.

UPDATE: Todd reminded me that this site always sets her off, too. So of course, we went there. We're so evil...
posted at 06:47 PM | link--it | mail it | (1) shout it






Please don't make me wash the sheets
 Yet another great moment in SNL history brought to you by my bored ass and the number 6.
posted at 11:25 PM | link--it | mail it | (2) shout it



Celebrity Digest, condensed version
 Oh woe is thee...to be a celebrity...

  1. Rap veteran Lil' Kim, 27, has launched a war of words against rising star Eve, 23. Warning Eve that she's still on top in the hip-hop world, Lil' Kim raps, "Even being No. 2 your chances are slim/'Cause when God made Adam he should have made Kim. So keep ya tacky ways, go back to the stripper days/As long as I'm around, you gonna bow down."

  2. To promote Maid In Manhattan, J-Lo recently dragged her entire entourage (rumored to be 20-35 people) to Britain where the gang checked into several luxury suites at London's posh Metropolitan hotel. The hotel management was -- of course -- presented with a very long list of demands which included Cristal champagne in her suite, white curtains, white linen, white lilies, humidifiers and pricey Diptique candles. Jen flew into a rage when she overheard hotel staff saying that she'd been checked into the same room used by P. Diddy the last time he was there. She said there was no way she'd stay in the same room as her ex and demanded that all of her baggage and chotckies be moved into another suite as far away from the one used by Mr. Diddy. Soon after throwing the fit at the hotel, J-Lo greeted fans outside and claimed: "I started out in the Bronx, I know what it's like to get on the train everyday, work 9-5 and have dreams and aspirations. I definitely see a lot of me in the character."

  3. Rumors spread that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's three-year marriage is in fragile condition... The Friends star has told her friends, "This is the last thing I need, my husband spending lots of time alone filming with her [Nicole Kidman]." Not that she's a hussy or anything, but it has been stated -- more than once -- that award-winning Kidman has a habit of hooking up with her co-stars.

  4. Michael Jackson wears a prosthetic nose and once paid $150,000 for a 'voodoo curse' to kill director Steven Spielberg despite being deep in debt. Vanity Fair also reports that Jackson bleaches his skin white because he does not like being black. The 44-year-old singer sometimes refers to black people as 'spabooks'. (Read more at eonline.com.)

    Comedian Robin Williams claims that the superstar doesn't have a leg to stand on [in racism claims against the Sony record label]. Insisting that the 44-year-old Neverland inhabitant can't be racially discriminated against, Williams explained, "Michael Jackson's standing outside Sony with a sign claiming racism. I said, 'Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn.' Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species!"

  5. Gwyneth Paltrow recently experienced Colin Farrell's not-so-smooth ways when he stopped by the star-studded eatery, wearing "the tightest jeans on planet Earth" and making his moves. While Paltrow tried to avoid making eye contact, Colin came up and complimented her on her work. But when she thanked him and continued chatting with her friends, he butted in again and asked for her number.

    "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't remember my cell number. It's a new phone," said Gwyn politely. "Well, why don't you just turn the phone on and the number will pop right up," he insisted. Again, Paltrow tried to give him a hint by saying her battery was dead. Our dear dense Colin then asked Paltrow where she was staying, and if he could call her there. "Oh, I'm staying with a friend and she doesn't really like me to pass out her number." After being dumbfounded that his passes were not being received well, the star finally walked away...
So much vanity. So little time.
posted at 07:10 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






More Mardi, more party
 What are the odds? Todd and I have been watching the NOLA cams off and on all evening, and we happened to capture this shot. We're...everywhere you want to be.
posted at 11:24 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better
 Jody passed along this link -- now everyone can have their very own cabana boy! But unfortunately with outfit choices like these, I'm not so sure these cabana boys play for the right team...
posted at 10:21 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it



You got me straight trippin' boo
 I swear to all that's holy...every bad American pop ballad in the last 20 years...the ones you prayed night and day would just go away and get off the airwaves...well you can find them all on tonight's American Idol wildcard show. Well, except for "I Will Always Love You". Oh god. I just invoked it, didn't I?
posted at 08:31 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






Some material may not be suitable for children Robyn
 Reason 9,457 why I love my husband: He's watching Black Hawk Down while I'm back in the computer room working on a site design. And Todd knows just when to call me in for the "hottie" scenes (Josh Hartnett, Ewan McGregor, Orlando Bloom, and Jeremy Piven in the same movie...pant...) and when to tell me to avoid the guts and gore. I'm such a lucky girl!
posted at 08:43 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it






The daily show
This weekend, March 1st and 2nd, I would like to show Marvelous March our appreciation for coming. I would like for everyone to post on their blog one thing that makes them happy this weekend, be it a blogger, pancakes on Saturday morning or birds chirping outside. Secondly, I would like a picture of something that made you smile. -- "anything but ordinary"

[jon stewart]


First of all, I'm happy that my husband is back home with me again. We've been apart less than five times in our almost-seven year marriage (although we spent almost all of our engagement with me working in Philadelphia and Todd in grad school in Oklahoma). And we hadn't been apart a single night since January of 2000. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but that's certainly not a theory I want to put to the test again any time soon.

And that's where the picture of "something that made me smile" comes in... I found out early last night that "The Daily Show" host and comedian Jon Stewart was going to be doing a one-evening show in downtown Tampa Saturday night, so I snagged last-minute tickets online to surprise Todd. I figured with the month we'd just survived, we could use an evening full of laughter. We've been fans since his days on MTV, and Jon Stewart and I even share the same birthday (November 28th). We had a blast! It was really nice to just hold hands and laugh together again. Now we're about to curl up and watch "Trading Spaces" reruns...

Happy weekend -- and MARCH -- everyone!
posted at 12:17 AM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






Greed, for lack of a better word, is good?
 Good for these schoolgirls who wrote actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, asking her to put her money where her big mouth is and donate to their charity drive! Zeta-Jones recently testified before a London court and boasted that $1.5 million [paid for their wedding photo rights] was peanuts to her and hubby Michael Douglas. "It is a lot of money maybe to a lot of people in this room, but it's not that much for us." Douglas, supporting his wife's statement, called the amount a "pittance"...

From UPI: But the Douglases [Michael and Catherine] are people who occasionally do go to work, on movie sets, where they're likely to notice some minimum-wage production assistants bringing them coffee. They presumably have a state-of-the-art entertainment center that does receive CNN. I presume they've occasionally been sent a script that has actual working-class people in it. In other words, they must know, at some level, that "some people in this room" who think $1.6 million is more than a pittance represent approximately 99.9 percent of the people in the world.

To put that $1.6 million in perspective: If you placed that money in the lowliest passbook savings account, the kind the Douglases will never have because it's for people who only have $500 to start with, and you get the lowest interest rate paid anywhere in the world -- currently around 1.8 percent -- you earn $28,800 a year, enough for some families to survive on.

The idea that 1.8 percent of what they call a pittance is a living wage somewhere, and that they don't realize it, is a testament to just how divided by class we've become. (More also found at "The Daily Dish".)
I'm certainly not putting my money on her winning an Oscar now after reading this, and all of the above! Sounds like The Douglases are in very real danger of becoming The Gekkos.
posted at 03:56 AM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






The feeling to know you're alive...
[mr. rogers] Further solidifying the fact this has been one of the worst months...ever...it's now being reported that Mr. Rogers has passed away of cancer at the age of 74. This kills me. I adored Mr. Rogers as a child. So much so, that my mom actually limited me to one airing of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood a day when I turned 5, because I planned my whole day around the show and the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. I don't even want to think of our kids growing up without him around. It just doesn't seem fair.

I'll be back when the day is new. And I'll have more ideas for you. And you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I. Will. Too.

posted at 04:49 AM | link--it | mail it | (14) shout it






Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
 Ok, brain-dead fun very much needed.....head on over to MTV's website and help pick the "22 Greatest MCs the last 22 years". Vanilla Ice and Hammer are nowhere to be found on the list...what up wit'dat? It's criminal.
posted at 06:02 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






Popcorn love - just wait! They will see...
 This is what we do to amuse ourselves when we should be working and just can't concentrate...boy band / bubblegum pop e-mail wars... It's kinda like a staring contest, but with really bad lyrics. Today I emerged victorious:

Her: Boy you know it's true...ooh, ooh, ooh...I love you!
Him: Tearin' up my heart....
Her: You got the right stuff...baby. You're the reason why I sing this song.
Him: You're the one that I want. Oooh oooh oooh.
Her: Oh boy I think I love ya -- always thinkin' of ya'. I want ya to know I do it all 4 love.
Him: Ooh I think I love you from head to toe.
Her: I must confess I still believe -- when I'm not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign...
Him: Heh heh ... I'm out. :)
Her: Hey! I didn't even get to New Edition yet! Lah-oooo-ser.
Him: You are just too mighty for me. I couldn't think of any more songs. I bow to you. :)
Her: I take it. I reign supreme!
posted at 04:36 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






The most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
 I recently bought Todd the Muppets Lab Playset with Beaker. Palisades Toys has the coolest Muppets desktops if you dig around the site a bit. Here are just a few (image 1, image 2, image 3, image 4, image 5, image 6, image 7, image 8)... Future sets include Pigs in Space, the Swedish Chef Kitchen, a Kermit and Miss Piggy wedding cake topper (next to impossible to find other than eBay), and finally Pepe. We might as well sign over any tax refunds now.
posted at 02:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






The further on the edge, the hotter the intensity
 Y'know, I've spent a lot of time over the past few years complaining about the downfall of music with the emergence of bubble gum pop and boy bands, second wave. But something dawned on me earlier tonight. It's all been a big trade-off. Because we haven't really heard from Kenny Loggins in years. Now I gotta cut loose...
posted at 03:07 AM | link--it | mail it | (11) shout it






Don't go for second best, baby
 Slant Magazine has counted down the 100 greatest music videos. Some, I can see...but five Madonna videos in the top twenty? C'mon. I'm living in a material world, and I am a material girl -- but even I will admit that's a bit much!
posted at 11:20 PM | link--it | mail it | (10) shout it






It's Friday, I'm in love
 Sitting at home bored on a Friday night? Head on over to Michele's and play a little game:

Band Sausages -- where you take two or more bands and combine their names together to make a whole new band. Example: The Beastie Boyz II Men, The Crystal Methods Of Mayhem, Grateful Dead or Alive. Get it? There's no real hardcore rules. Be creative. Squeeze as many bands as you can in, like this person did the last time I played this game: Shakespear's Sisters of Mercyful Fate's Warning.
To add your group-combo to the pile, just surf on over there...
posted at 09:07 PM | link--it | mail it | (12) shout it






We are all made of stars
 It's an entertainment edition of "not necessarily the news"...

  1. So what is it about Trista that sends all the booted bachelorette contestants straight to the local dealer?
  2. Like a Virgin...arrested for the very first time. Man, she looks like hell lately!
  3. What does it say about me that these headlines make me so incredibly happy? $2000 on flowers to make up? The boy needs help. But go Cris Judd!
  4. PETA has released a "worst-dressed list". Like we're supposed to care...
  5. Joe Millionaire is in talks to play "Superman"? Heaven help us...
That's all I've got. But don't worry. With the Baywatch Reunion movie, there's bound to be more where that came from soon!

UPDATE: And it appears "The Bachelor II" has called off the wedding. Shocking, no?
posted at 08:40 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it



Now let's go back to that building-thingy where our beds and TV is
 I know Michele had a "share your favorite Simpsons quote" thing a few weeks back. Well now Entertainment Weekly has a "best of" as well. D'oh.
posted at 03:44 AM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






Wacko Jacko, indeed.
 I can't say it better than the FARK'ers already have...but what the fuck? Anyone else in this country would have been locked up long ago, and I would have gladly swallowed the key. Any parent that allows their child to visit this man's home should be shot on sight! "What’s wrong with sharing a love?" More federal, state and local statutes than you can count, bud...
posted at 04:26 AM | link--it | mail it | (22) shout it






Take a sniff, pull it out, the taste's gonna move you when you pop it in your mouth
 Mikey blogged about Joe Millionaire gossip earlier so I went to see what I could find on Zora.

1. Zora Fever!
2. Tabloid says Zora marries 'Joe'

Apparently there's also a rumor one of the girls (not the winner) is pregnant with his baby. Anyone seen any more good dish lately?


And in other rumor mill findings...apparently Jen and Ben are going to have to put that wedding off just a little while longer. She wants a traditional Catholic wedding, and oops -- she failed to get the first one annulled. (Marriage number two was a private, civil ceremony.) First husband Ojani Noa is quoted as saying, "She screwed me out of a decent divorce settlement, then fired me as manager of her restaurant for no reason. I owe her nothing." What goes around, comes around... Maybe she should call the Kennedy family for pointers?
posted at 08:12 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it






Women's (Mad) Lib
 [More than a woman to me]
posted at 04:50 PM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it



Craven, Dick
 Y'know all those funny names in the phone book? Well here they are together on one site. I seriously can't believe there's a Hugh G. Rection somewhere out there. What were his parents thinking?
posted at 08:05 AM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it



We're too busy singin' to put anybody down
 My husband thinks I have officially lost it. I'm getting "the look". You see, Michele bought me Sea Monkeys for my birthday. And more babies just hatched. So I bought my new monkeys toys and treats overnight and just told him about it.

What? Quit looking at me like that, too. I spoil all my pets! Happy Friday everyone!
posted at 07:36 AM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it






We certainly wanna thank you for coming by - you know the way out, right?
 In times of deep trouble, I always find myself turning to the words and wisdom of the great orator Eric Theodore Cartman:


[Eric T Cartman]

"I believe I said, 'get the fudge out!' Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out..."
posted at 06:13 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Worldwide Pants
 Since my husband refuses to blog right now, I have to do it for him...


25 Lines From Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants":

  1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
  3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
  5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
  6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
  8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
  9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface attack.
  10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
  12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
  13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
  14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
  15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
  16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
  17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
  18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
  19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
  20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
  21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
Khakis swing!
posted at 03:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (17) shout it



Eager to kill any who says that my hook isn't cute...
 Proof that not everything out of Tampa is all good...just for the record.

Just keep an open mind, and then suddenly you'll find Never-neverland.
posted at 04:31 AM | link--it | mail it | (20) shout it



This is a request, Mr. Radio Man
 Just a quick heads-up for those who have tried, or are thinking about trying, to set up their own Launchcast station. They are now offering "Launchcast Plus" for $3.99/mo with no commercial interruptions. You can also create station playlists based on your mood, and access special pay-only stations with Launchcast Plus. I fully believe in paying for, donating to and supporting programs that make your life a bit easier -- and this is definitely one I was quick to sign up for! I have my station going just about every second I'm here in this chair. (If you'd like to listen to my station, you can do so here.)
posted at 01:53 AM | link--it | mail it | (4) shout it






We can't rewind, we've gone too far
 For two people who have always been adamantly against reality shows, we've caught ourselves flipping back and forth between tonight's "American Idol" and "Bachelorette" 90-minute specials. Anyone have a good medication they can recommend?

And are we the only ones who thought the twins on "American Idol" were more like the Fabulous Sweeney Sisters?
posted at 08:52 PM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it






ON-J Anonymous
 This one is for Statia...but was there really any doubt? Todd will just have to suffer!


[Gonna be a strange twist of fate]

posted at 02:49 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it






A crummy commercial?
 Let the Super Bowl ad watch begin! What are your favorites? Which ones do you want to implode Madison Avenue for?

First one on my list -- the Yahoo! "Rainbow Connection" one. Bad, bad, baaaaaaaad. And I love that song.
posted at 06:01 PM | link--it | mail it | (60) shout it



It'll be...just like starting over
 One of the new Chili Peppers songs came on the radio tonight when we were driving to Clearwater. Although I would rate it about 3x better than most of the new crap out these days, I'm sorry, but it's a far cry from being the Chili Peppers I came of age with. We started making a mental list of bands that should've hung it up a long, long time ago. Of course The Stones were the first to top that list. But they're from the obvious Geritol era. We quickly moved on to bands we grew up on -- our favorites that shouldn't have been allowed to stay together post-1996 (a year after we'd left college), some even earlier. Here's a few to get the ball rolling:

1. Chili Peppers, obviously
2. The Cure
3. R.E.M.
4. Depeche Mode
5. Duran Duran, although Electric Barbarella wasn't half-bad

When aging rock stars go sad... Sometimes unfortunately, an early death is better than the alternative. Who would you add to the list?
posted at 12:26 AM | link--it | mail it | (37) shout it






For every generation
 It's time to vote in the Gap's national casting call. None of the applicants are Will Kemp "loose" quality, IMHO -- but you'll get registered for a $500 gift card by voting, and receive a coupon for 15% off "$50 or more" purchases after your ballot submits. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch Will again...
posted at 04:34 PM | link--it | mail it | (1) shout it






Fashion and gossip, oh my!
 If you missed most of the Golden Globes because of football, like me -- here's a quick recap:


  1. MSNBC.com gossip commentary on the Globes...and the pink tutu... (image courtesy of antgrad.com -- and more commentary on it here, here, and here)
  2. "Fashions sprout like spring at Golden Globes" (I loved Beyonce Knowles' gown)
  3. E! Online's best and worst moments
  4. The LA Times coverage, complete with photo galleries and fashion review
  5. InStyle has a list of some of the goodies the nominees and presenters got this year, and more coverage (with photos) here -- a few misses in my opinion were Debra Messing (when good ruffles go bad), Maggie Gyllenhaal (you look like a doily), and Elisha Cuthbert (you're not Deborah Harry and this is not 1982)
  6. The Yahoo! News Golden Globe slideshow

posted at 04:37 PM | link--it | mail it | (5) shout it






She looks like a pink nightmare
 Well there's one thing more scary than facing the Raiders in California -- I think it's facing her in Hollywood. Here's a back view -- ick. And here, well words fail me. That rarely happens.
posted at 09:53 PM | link--it | mail it | (27) shout it






Madge, I'm soaking in it!
 I just discovered the "I Can't Believe It's Not The Advertising Slogan Generator!" thanks to Gnome-Girl. Here are the results for Tampa Tantrum:


  1. Avez-Vous Un Tampa Tantrum?
  2. If You Want To Get Ahead, Get A Tampa Tantrum.
  3. Crunch All You Want. We'll Make Tampa Tantrum.
  4. Gee, Your Tampa Tantrum Smells Terrific.
  5. Nothing Comes Between Me And My Tampa Tantrum.
  6. Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Tampa Tantrum.
  7. Is Tampa Tantrum In You?
  8. The Coolest Tampa Tantrum on Ice.
  9. That's Handy, Harry! Stick It In The Tampa Tantrum.
  10. Let The Tampa Tantrum Take The Strain.
  11. My Anti-Drug is Tampa Tantrum.
  12. You Press the Tampa Tantrum, We Do the Rest.
  13. The Tampa Tantrum With The Hole.
  14. Thank Tampa Tantrum It's Friday.

    And the number one Tampa Tantrum advertising slogain is...

  15. Ribbed For Her Tampa Tantrum.

posted at 02:34 AM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it



Strike a pose, there's nothing to it
 Am I the only one that really does strike a pose when Madonna's "Vogue" comes on?

C'mon, admit it. You do it too, don'tcha?




Look around -- everywhere you turn is heartache
It's everywhere that you go [look around]
You try everything you can to escape
The pain of life that you know [life that you know]

When all else fails and you long to be
Something better than you are today
I know a place where you can get away
It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for, so...

Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music [move to the music]
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

All you need is your own imagination
So use it that's what it's for [that's what it's for]
Go inside, for your finest inspiration
Your dreams will open the door [open up the door]

It makes no difference if you're black or white
If you're a boy or a girl
If the music's pumping it will give you new life
You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are, you know it

Come on, vogue
Let your body groove to the music [groove to the music]
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Beauty's where you find it
Not just where you bump and grind it
Soul is in the musical
That's where I feel so beautiful
Magical
Life's a ball
So get up on the dance floor

Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music [move to the music]
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Vogue, [Vogue]
Beauty's where you find it [move to the music]
Vogue, [Vogue]
Beauty's where you find it [go with the flow]

Greta Garbo, and Monroe
Deitrich and DiMaggio
Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean
On the cover of a magazine

Grace Kelly; Harlow, Jean
Picture of a beauty queen
Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire
Ginger Rogers, dance on air

They had style, they had grace
Rita Hayworth gave good face
Lauren, Katherine, Lana too
Bette Davis, we love you

Ladies with an attitude
Fellows that were in the mood
Don't just stand there, let's get to it
Strike a pose, there's nothing to it

Vogue, vogue

Oooh, you've got to
Let your body move to the music
Oooh, you've got to just
Let your body go with the flow
Oooh, you've got to
Vogue...vogue...vogue...vogue...
posted at 12:02 AM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






Witchy woman
 Finally an E! Rank list I can agree with -- the "seven women that scare us". I shudder every time I see that photo of Pamela Anderson! And don't even get me started on Christina Aguilera... (Click here for the other part of the list that I don't necessarily agree with -- the "twenty-five sexiest women".)
posted at 04:42 PM | link--it | mail it | (13) shout it



Objects in mirror are larger than they appear
 Yet another case of Hollywood Photoshopping gone horribly awry... This makes me so angry on so many levels. As if we could ever measure up to the likes of Kate Winslet anyway -- but would it be so wrong for the readers of British GQ to be allowed to admire her as-is? It's one thing to touch up forehead shine and misaligned chins. It's quite another to lop 30 lbs. off a woman. And note to whoever edited the photos: If you're going to alter/stretch the main image, make sure you get the one in the mirror behind her as well.

Kate Winslet got digitally altered to look skinny — and there’s a lot of finger pointing going on over who’s responsible.

The “Titanic” star is one of the few celebs who has said she’s happy with her extra curves.

“What is sexy?” Winslet says in an interview with current British GQ. “All I know from the men I’ve ever spoken to is that they like girls to have an arse on them, so why is it that women think in order to be adored they have to be thin?”

So Winslet’s fans were shocked and dismayed by the pics accompanying the article [click each image for enlargements], which showed her with an impossibly slim waist and no arse to speak of.

Winslet herself blasted the magazine for tinkering with her extra pounds. “It’s an outrage,” the star complained to one paper. “The re-touching is excessive. I don’t look like that and I don’t desire to look like that . . . I haven’t suddenly lost thirty pounds.”

But Winslet’s outrage may be a tad disingenuous. According to PeopleNews.com, the star actually approved the slimmed-down pics.
Article from MSNBC.com's Scoop. Photos from discoverkate.com.
posted at 05:19 AM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it






Oh, say can you sing
 I am getting really sick of "artistic interpretations" with the national anthem. I don't care if it's trendy to do so -- just sing the damn song. We don't need choirs stringing it out gospel-style. We don't need you hitting notes high enough to call all area dogs. We don't need five minute a cappella do-wap interludes. Just the "Star Spangled Banner" as it was written (and intended to be sung), please. I swear some of these anthem-performances are getting to be longer than the games they precede.
posted at 04:34 PM | link--it | mail it | (20) shout it



Gee, I really love you
 Well we decided to screw the critics (no, not literally) and went to see "Just Married" for a date night. Although it wasn't the funniest romantic comedy I've ever seen -- it was cute -- and had several bust outloud laughing moments. Any movie that makes fun of the French gets two snaps in a circle from us. I really wish Brittany Murphy would eat more though. It seems she loses five more lbs. for every new role these days. In the next couple of years all that's gonna be left is a blonde mop and some hip-huggers... I took away the following three things from our evening out, in no particular order:

  1. Some parents just don't seem to get the fact that couples choose the 10:30 p.m. showing for a reason. These couples don't have kids. We don't want kids there. You either get a sitter, or you stay home and wait for the DVD. You do not show up with your infant and/or three year old and expect them to be on their best behavior by the time midnight rolls around. And you don't expect me not to give you the evil eye for putting the kid in that position in the first place. If they tend to throw hissies at home when it's time for bedtime, what makes the parents think in a crowded theater it's going to be any different?

  2. For every new release, be prepared for that group of five or six that roll in about twenty seconds 'til the previews start -- and stop on the main platform of the stadium theater expecting the seas of seats ahead to part just because they finally showed up. Then watch in amusement as they put their hands upon their hips incredulously, realizing their theory is blown and no one's moving just because we've all been graced with their presence at the last-minute.

  3. A really good quote (and yes, it made me sniffly and nostalgic): "You never see the hard times in a photo album. But they're the ones that carry you from one happy snapshot to the next." Expect that to be used in some form on Shutterblog soon.
Have a mah-velous weekend dah-lings! Two glorious days of football ahead...

UPDATE: Susan and Jason went to see "Just Married" tonight as well. Here's their review!

UPDATE 2: I was looking over the IMDB cast list for the movie because the blonde younger brother, who turned out to be Thad Luckinbill, looked familiar. I glanced down the page and saw "Young and the Restless". Oh yeah...he was J.T. But then I looked at the top of the page and saw birthdate (April 24, 1975) -- and then Enid, Oklahoma (where I lived from the 3rd thru 9th grade). And then I saw the name...Thad Luckinbill. It finally hit me. I went to church with him at Emmanual Baptist Church. I was friends with his older sister Susan. His other older sister Deanna was Miss Oklahoma. His parents lived literally 3 doors down from my grandparents -- I went to their house several times. And he graduated from the University of Oklahoma. <cue Twilight Zone music here>
posted at 01:21 AM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it






Rorschach, bay-beeeee!
 Because I'm bored and avoiding responsibility for a few more minutes...let's all go take the "ink blot test", why don't we?
posted at 03:09 PM | link--it | mail it | (9) shout it



All grown up and savin' China
 Poor Todd...one of his crushes, little Clarissa/Sabrina, is going off the market. Melissa Joan Hart got engaged to her 'rocker boyfriend' this Christmas.

And speaking of weddings, I was really looking forward to this movie. But after that review...youch! Oh well, at least American Pie is coming out with an "American Wedding" sequel soon . Can you imagine the on-screen bachelor party planned by Stifler? Stifler's palace of love...STRAIGHT love.
posted at 04:36 AM | link--it | mail it | (6) shout it






It's Stifler time, baby!


Just felt like a little Stifmeister this afternoon. Yes, the force is strong in that one. Carry on...
posted at 04:30 PM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it



Warm evenings, pale mornings, bottle of blues
 Here's a mellow one from the Lemonheads to fit my current mood:



[Click to view the song lyrics]

Right-click the image (or this link) to save...
posted at 02:57 AM | link--it | mail it | (2) shout it



What would Statia do?


I've already got a jump-start on my Christmas shopping for 2003 with this little gem. I think G.I. Jesus will go quite nicely with Statia's collection -- and since things seem to be heating up with Iraq once again, all the better. That reminds me...I haven't been by the Betty Bowers site in a long time. Looks like there's a lot of new stuff up. Must...work ... not...play. Sigh.
posted at 02:19 AM | link--it | mail it | (7) shout it






I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job
 Y'know all the "Joe Millionaire" talk going on? Well the opening show gave FOX its highest ratings since "Melrose Place" in January 1995. For those playing along with the home game, I was still single -- and in college -- in January of 1995. I suspect "reality TV" will soon be moving in the direction of "sick and twisted reality TV". Now where'd I put my popcorn?
posted at 04:13 PM | link--it | mail it | (8) shout it






Forever and ever amen
 “Marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly. I don’t want to be married for six months and then say, ‘Oh well, never mind. Let’s go on to number two’.” -Gwyneth Paltrow, B Magazine

Go Gwynnie! Man, I love the not-so-subtle digs she takes in the press from time to time at Baldie and Jenny from the Block's expense. A bitch of my own heart.
posted at 04:21 AM | link--it | mail it | (15) shout it






Just your average Joe
 averagejoe.jpg As a rule, we avoid "reality TV" like the plague around here. After Survivor I, it was pretty much all downhill. But we found ourselves both strangely curious about the new FOX show "Joe Millionaire". It just had that bad accident quality you couldn't quite look away from no matter how hard you tried. Rubbernecking at primetime's not-so-finest, if you will.

I don't even know what to say about tonight's episode. Or what was more pathetic. All of the stacked bimbos cooing about their "fairy tale" and Prince Charming dreams -- or the fact the bachelor kept trying to figure out which one of the women would actually like him for him. Let's see. You make $19K a year Joe. You don't have a college degree. These women think you're worth $50 mil. They got a free trip to France, and room and board in a nice chateau. I'm sure if this had been titled "Who wants to marry a poverty-level construction worker from Dana Point, CA" the very same doctors and bankers would have been lined up around the block to fight for your wallet hand in marriage.

I was brought up to be one of those women. All my life my mother wanted me to believe in fairy tales, and to hunt for my Prince above all else -- just like she always did. In my family your life is not complete without a band of gold on your third left-hand finger. Thankfully you don't always become what you're raised to be. Because I'd rather be single for the rest of my days than to coo over men riding up on horses and making the Filene's Basement Sale look like a cakewalk so I could attend the ball in style.

Of course, that said -- yep, we'll be tuning in again next week. Todd claims it's to marvel at the beautiful chateau and French countryside. I just want to see if any of my distant cousins are among the contestants. Yeah, that's it...

P.S. Did any of you ladies out there find him even remotely attractive? I sure didn't.
posted at 10:17 PM | link--it | mail it | (50) shout it






That's the ticket
 Something very cool that I just discovered at "Dayzed And Confuzed" -- Ticketstubs.

Ticket stubs are everywhere, one of the many receipts in our daily lives - but we all save some from time to time. The Ticketstub project is a place where you can upload scanned images of your saved stubs, and tell a story about that night, that concert, that movie, what happened on that date; basically, ask youself why you saved the stub as a reminder.
I really need to submit a story for these (photos here) and these. Todd wrote up an excellent =w=eezer recap, but it's passworded now.
posted at 05:19 PM | link--it | mail it | (2) shout it